I had dark hair and some chin and there was a fatness about me which makes everyone still comfortable. I was aging fast and there did not seem to be any sexuality about me. I was as if someone not important in that department like some departure lodge where people went the moment they saw me to someone else. Someone more welcoming and with the agreeable words. The moment this happened to me I knew I had somehow been cursed and this mattered who had done me such a curse? I had forever been a virgin maybe I thought the time had come to show up in some sex?
But never I said to myself this would mean having the off chance Abdul about trying to get into the bed and the man my man was not awake yet. What do we wake with him the sleeping beauty? I was trying to make sense of it all. How to do it gently how to make him so awake as if his senses would become like they were and this mattered? Of course but for now he was drunk on life. His perfect life with the perfection his wife. Is life not so perfect?
I am like a pin cushion which everyone wants to pin down. I am known as this dumpy personality who would go happily to do a turn. I am a little clever and a little like a ordinary woman who has not much on her mind but to clean the house. I do a lot of thsi and this makes me happy. I am known for my good deeds.
I am this good woman who is the most boring woman on earth. Like me or love me there is nothing I can do about this. I do not change for some small change or even for the big chance. I love being this waif but now no more about this. This is the small things which matter the dust on the fan the little book which I had not read and the small deeds left not done for some time I had been doing the research into writing the small matters outstanding.
I was in London at the time without much money and there did not seem to be a job that I could do. That I had often been sacked and never rehired. The jobs were always for some other person. But now there is plenty of time to do them. The thing is when a woman has a grudge against the world the whole of society and then the richer of the species then that makes her life more interesting- I support myself in all this.
There is some machine going round and round inside us all trying to self destruct I felt it was true and this machine which Freud called the death wish made us do so many bizarre deeds. I had such a wish list of dead and gones and begone and let it not happen to me. I do not want to commit a crime any crime and this is what he does to me. He plays a practical joke and I write his obituary.