"I'm sorry, Mrs. Hertz but we lost him," Those were the nine words that completely turned my perfect world into a hurricane.
Your face, your laugh, your smile have become like a silhouette like you walked from a photograph and left behind circles of blackness around my world,
I can't breathe,
My mind is screaming,
My body is aching,
It is an ache that comes and goes, always returning in slow quiet moments.
I want to be wrapped in your arms again, to talk and laugh like we once did and I want you to see how your absence has downed to me, I want to hear you complain about something stupid I did,
I want to come back home from work to the beautiful picture of you preparing dinner, or to the stressed out you on the couch waiting patiently for me to come home.
"Mrs. Hertz," A voice called and looked up, realizing I was still in my session, it been a year since I lost David to the cold hands of cancer and I have been in countless sessions,
I don't see the point of it, but everyone else insists on it,
My life was sweet like a gingerbread but now there's a cookie cutter hole right in the center,
"How do you feel Mrs. Hertz?" the therapist asked for the millionth time and every time, I hold the urge and temptation not to bark, or throw a flower vase at him,
Why won't anyone see the burning pain, I feel inside, a pain that sits in my guts like so much fire burning slow.
Those sort of flames that belong in my heart, in my soul, but yet no more and in this hurricane of my soul, amid the endless winds that scream, I make no move,
"I just want the pain to stop," I whispered,
I miss him so much,
David was my whole life, I wrapped my entire world around him, he was my supporter, my protector, and my guider, I never imagined that someday I would be sitting somewhere craving his presence, or his touch.
I never knew that missing someone could take over every fiber of your being and wring you out like a wet sponge every day. It is a torment I was unprepared for,
I can never fathom why God would give me someone so good only to snatch them away again.
I know he's safe with Him, loved and warmed, but It hurts that I can't reach him there.
"Can you describe to me how you feel?" He asks,
How I feel?
"I feel alone and lonely, though surrounded by millions of people, the ache of longing to be with him again echoing through the very marrow of my bones," I sobbed,
"I feel like a wind chill trapped in the chambers of my own heart and I can't breathe, and with every spare moment my mind would rehearse a new letter to him, telling him things I wish I had said to him,"
"Have you tried reconnecting this feeling with someone else?" He said and I wanted to scream, has he been listening to me,
"David walked out and the gap he left behind just can't be filled by another."
He noted it down,
"In our previous session, you mentioned he had left you letters."
"I can't this is anymore." I choked and gathering myself up, I couldn't sit here anymore and listen to some stranger utter words he has no idea about, or what they mean,
"Your session isn't over yet?" He said and I paid him no attention and stormed out the door,
I ran and ran until, my feet began burning and aching, but I didn't care, I just kept on running, I wanted to feel something, anything besides this burning pain in my heart,
I stopped in front of the familiar Gate, which had 'private cemetery' boldly engraved on it,
It had become my home for the past year, the only place, I can still feel him or feel protected by him,
I made my way to his headstone, the pathway had become so easy, I could trace the steps with my eyes closed, I stood in front of his headstone, smiling at the photo of him that was in the center,
I have never missed a day, every day for the past Year, I have been here, no matter if I was sick or if it's raining or whatever, I was here, talking to him and Imagining him there smiling at me,
I know it is just works of my imagination, or my illusions messing with me, but at least he was here,
It felt right,
His beautiful boyish smile never leaving his face,
"You look so beautiful princess," he whispered, staring lovingly at me like he always does as if his whole world had just stopped.
I chuckled, "You always said that when you needed something"
He smiled and we stood there staring at each other in comforting silence,
"Are you real?"
"Do I feel real?" he asks,
"I miss you so much David," I choked out, "It's hard to breathe or live without you beside me," He moved towards me and in an instant pressed his lips against mine, but I felt nothing,
"Why can't I feel you? why can't I touch you? I want to be able to hold you without this emptiness breathing between us-:"
"Alison.." He whispers, breaking away and cupping my face into his hands, I shut my eyes trying to feel his hands against my skin, but I still felt nothing.
Just the breezy wind.
It's a cruelty that the sun continues to rise, to welcome in each new day devoid of our sorrow and sadness,
"Baby," he whispered softly making my heart skip a beat, "Do one thing for me,"
"You need to let me go."He ran his thumb across my cheeks, but I still felt nothing besides tin air, "Live and be happy.”
"You think I haven't tried, I can't.."If I stop to dwell for even a fraction of a second my face is wet with tears, and I back to square 1,
"I just don't know how to live or survive without you David,"
"Damn! I pampered you," he teased, making me laugh,
He caressed my cheeks,
"Adorable." he smiles, why does he feel so real? "Did you read my letters?" He asks,
I nodded, "Each and every word, and each time I wondered why you would write them like you've had this moment planned out from the exact beginning,"
"This day was bound to come sooner or later Baby, but I must say, I am so proud of you, no other woman would have been able to withstand what you've had to endure and survived it all, and I know no matter how twisted the future gets, you would get through it, because you are a fearless fighter, you're my little ifrit," he said, lastly making me giggle, but those were words from one of his letters,
"I will always be right beside you, watching you, so you don't have to feel alone,"I imagined him saying,
Smiling back, he reaches out and tried to wipe my tears, why does It feel like this him saying goodbye?
He pressed his lips against my forehead, before moving back gradually,
He stops and smiles, beautiful Illuminating rays shining brightly on his face,
"Live and be happy princess," his voice echoed softly in the air, before they completely disappeared, taking him with them,
"David?"I rugged out, crying all over again, I wasn't crying because I craved him more, but because my mind was beginning to accept it, the fact that's he's gone.
That he's left me,
"Pops?"A familiar chirped in and I turned swiftly to it with misty tears,
Seeing me drenched in my own tears, He walks over in an instant and wraps his hands around me, pressing me into his chest, and allowing me to sulk in them,
He breaks away after a while to look at me, He reaches out and tucks my messy hair behind my ear,
"A good friend once said to me, that you can love someone and still let them go, that doesn't mean you don't love them anymore, it means that you are willing to live by all the good they left behind"
I nodded hysterically, wiping the salty tears,
"When did you get so smart?"
"I have had my own share of sadness," he said,
"So, Ice-cream?" he utters instantly, making me chuckle between tears,
I turned back to David's headstone, staring at it, his last words lingering repeatedly in the air,
'Live and be happy princess,'
"The last time he was in New York, he showed up at my apartment begging me to take care of you, then I didn't understand, but I remember for the first time seeing love with a mix of fear in his eyes,"
My face lightens up like some kid giggling for the first time, how is he always one step ahead?
"He really did love you, Alison, never doubt that I was stupid to have thought otherwise,"
He nodded hysterically, "So, Ice-cream?"
I chuckled, "Ice-cream would be perfect,"
Smiling, He reaches out and adjoining my hand into his as we gradually walked out,
I turned back with a faint smile,
I love you, David.
Always and forever,
I miss you,
I let you go,
Until we meet again.
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