- Chapter 2 | Nightmares
A N A S T A S I A
Finding a decent apartment near New York University is hard. It’s been a couple days since I landed here and I’ve just been staying at a hotel that I booked near the airport.
My morning sickness hasn’t been as bad anymore which is good. I just want to - no need to find an apartment next to the Univers before the semester starts.
I need to find something cheap, but still nice as possible because of the baby coming. Walking to my suitcase, I grab a pair of skinny jeans and a black cropped tank top before changing out of my pajamas and into them.
My baby bump isn’t showing yet because it’s only been one month since Ryder got me pregnant. I wish I didn’t give myself to him since it was all a lie...
When I first found out that I was pregnant, I was so scared. I mean, I am a 16-year-old girl that got used. Ryder used me for sex and then dropped me like I was trash the next day, leaving me with a baby that I’d have to care for the rest of my life while he went and broke other girls hearts.
My birthday is coming up, and I want to at least find an apartment by then. Grabbing my purse, I make sure that I have my wallet, phone, and keys before walking out of my hotel room. Once I’m in the hall, I walk to the elevators and press the button to wait.
I’m going to go apartment hunting. School starts next week, and I need to get settled into someplace that will keep me stable for a little while.
The elevator doors open and I walk inside, pressing the button to the lobby. I hope I can find a place to do my fighting here because once this baby is out of me, I plan on going back to my usual routine.
This baby isn’t something I was prepared for, especially not this young. I thought that I’d get married and have a baby then, not get knocked up by someone who just wanted to use me for a one night stand.
I’ve got nightmares now. I only had them a couple times after I was... uh... raped by Ryan. They’re back now, and I’ve been getting them a lot more than I ever did before.
Sometimes I think it’s worse because they start out as Ryan and then all of a sudden he changes to Ryder... I usually wake up after that, but he caused this.
Ryder caused the nightmares to come back and be even worse than they were before. I hate him. I hate him so much, but I still love him too. It’s too hard to stop.
I never realized how hard it would be to forget him, but I should’ve known that it may not be possible when he gave me so much to remember.
The elevator doors opened on the lobby, and I walked out into the main room. Then I went out the doors to call for a taxi, but there were already a few lined up as people kept getting into them.
I got in the taxi line and waited for my turn. The streets of New York are busy as the summer sun is blazing and everyone seems to have a destination.
Right now, I wish I had a destination in life. Many people do - they know what they want to do, where they want to go in life. They know their destination, but me? I don’t know any of those things. At least, not anymore.
This baby inside me changed everything. My plans for the future, my dreams, my aspirations, everything.
I’m not going to deny the fact that when I first found out about the baby, I wanted an abortion. This baby wasn’t something I wanted. I’m still not so sure if I want it...
My decision has been made though, and I am keeping the baby. I just couldn’t go through with the abortion. My mom supported me no matter what I decided, and I love her for that because when I decided to abort the baby, she didn’t judge me.
Even when I was judging myself for my decision, she never did anything but support me in my hard choice. My mom is the one who booked the appointment for me to go in and get the baby aborted after three weeks of me being pregnant.
It was all set up, and we were ready - I was ready, but it felt so wrong. On our drive to the abortion, I was already doubting my decision, but I still thought in my mind that it was the right choice for me to make.
I’m too young. I’m not ready. I’d be a terrible mom. I don’t even know how to take care of a baby. My life is too dangerous. Could I even keep the baby safe? Those are just some of the things running through my mind on our drive.
I still remember when we got to the place and checked in... The moment my name was called I freaked out - I changed my mind because I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take away the small little life that was growing inside me. I’ve killed people before in my life, but I... I just couldn’t hurt this baby.
In the end, I ran out because I realized that the right choice was the one I didn’t choose. Luckily, I realized what the right choice for me was before it really was too late.
Now, it’s time for me to get ready for this new chapter of my life.