Part IV ➸  Mending and Letting In
i don’t know how it is you are so familiar to me – or why it feels less like i am getting to know you and more as though i am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that i have known you before, i have loved you before – in another time, a different place – some other existence.
MENDING AND LETTING IN
I have realized that mending and letting in go side by side. I can’t heal if I chose to carry on the burden of glass that is hurting me. I have to let someone in to help me lose that ugly piece of glass and then let them wrap up the would with their love and support, or just by their presence. If I keep on bottling up my feelings and my pain, I won’t be able to let go or move on.
It feels like a long time has passed since the New Year started but I know that only a little over two weeks has passed since then. My parents and I haven’t had time to hang out again but we’re on good terms. It has kind of become a tradition to have dinner together and talk about random things. Grant and I have kept in touch and we talk everyday. He calls me after dinner and I’d tell him about my day and He tells me about his.
As of my friends, Tracy has been ignoring Kevin or shall I say hiding from him. She refuses to talk to him and she refuses to talk to me about him. Maggie has been busy with her sister but we’ve hung out at school.
School - the dreadful place I don’t like anymore.
On the first day at school after the holidays, Sean had approached me looking livid. I was at my lockers, wasting time and waiting for Tracy to go and get lunch together when I had been pushed into the locker harshly and I found myself looking into Sean’s eyes - eyes that were burning fire.
“I don’t know what happened to you, Leah but you’ve gone crazy. I’m done with your pranks and mistreatment of Ronnie and I’m not going to ignore you every time.” He had gritted out.
My heart had been beating at double speed and not just because of his close proximity but because of the fear he had instilled in my heart in just two minutes. The better actress that I had become in the past three months, I had scoffed.
“How would you know what happened to me? You were too busy sucking off the bitch’s face while I was waiting for you. Remember?”
My icy jab had shocked him and he had stumbled a step back before the anger had returned. “I swear if you ever speak about her like that again, I’ll strangle you with bare hands.”
I had almost cried, almost, at how cruel he was being. So much care for Ronnie but what for me? Nothing. Instead, I had composed myself and smirked. “I’d like to see you try. All while waiting for you to do the same to her what you did to me.”
Sean had pressed me against the locker yet again, twice as harshly as the first. “You don’t know anything.” He had gritted through clenched teeth. Any further response had been cut off when Kevin had pushed him off me and told him to piss off.
The passing week, several more pranks were played on Ronnie and every time Sean got closer to me to probably kill me, thinking I was the one behind it, either Ronnie had held him back or my friends had intruded. I had simply smirked every time and said, “Watch your back.” instead of denying the false accusations and for once, standing for the truth.
The pranks had died down for a while when Principal had stepped in and things were back to normal except for the usual glares that could kill from Sean.
My trips to Cafe Holden had reduced as the school work had increased but Emilia had always been just as ecstatic to see me every time I showed up. Axel was juggling life between being Mr. Scowls and Just Axel and I didn’t know which one was I enjoying more. But what was interesting was that we had gotten closer with each other enough to hold conversations without a third party, that is, Emilia. He even got my number and would text me at sometimes when I would not be able to go to the cafe.
One major thing that has happened was that I had decided to end my misery. I had read several books and watched YouTube videos that encouraged heartbroken or depressed people to go visit a therapist. I refused to accept that I was depressed and so I refused to the ridiculous idea of visiting a therapist too.
But the main idea of those books and videos had been the concept of sharing pain and thoughts with a third person and I had given myself enough prep talks this whole month to finally gather enough courage.
I had decided to talk it out. I was still not completely comfortable with revisiting those painful memories, let alone speak them out aloud but sometimes, it was just getting too much to bear and I had found myself desperately searching for an outlet to let everything out and flow.
I had asked Grant to visit me sometime soon and he had promised to be back home in the second week of February when ‘couples would be playing tonsil tennis’ as he had so nicely put it. The though of Valentine’s week had caused pain to ripple through my chest again, memories of my last Valentine with Sean flashing before my eyes before I had dismissed my thoughts and told myself that it would be a good idea to let it off my chest during that time as it will keep me venturing into the‘memories with Sean’territory.
But in spite of everything, I was feeling better. Aside from the random episodes where I’d bury myself under my comforter and cry myself to sleep, silently wishing to go back in time and change whatever I did wrong so as to not lose Sean, I was doing fine. It was still hard to accept the fact that he had left me, and even harder part was that he was happy with Ronnie while I was desperately trying to hold onto just anything to save myself from getting drowned. Seeing them together would burn my heart with jealousy as well as an undescribable amount of pain but I was slowly coming to terms with reality.
I was beginning to accept that he wasn’t mine anymore and even though it hurt, I knew it was the truth. And I was planning to grasp onto this reality even tighter by talking it out. Everyone around me knows some parts of the story and deserves to know the rest and I’m planning on giving it to them. But overall, I feel fine.
For the first time since the incident I don’t like thinking about, I don’t feel like I lost something. Sure I was broken and hurt and hated and mocked but I gained something far more tangible and precious. I got friends like Maggie and Kevin. I got to realize how good Tracy has always been to me and how I would have been a wreck if it weren’t for her. How my parents have stuck by my side, loving me the same even when I hurt them so much making me know that I can love back too, no matter how hurt I am.
How my brother has promised to be by my side whenever I need. How Emilia has found a way to my heart and stubbornly refused to leave, not that I wanted her to. How Axel has, maybe, somehow cracked a sensitive area too and this crack didn’t hurt.
And then comes me - I have constantly thanked myself for not giving up when I had no hope of anything at all. With the help of these people, I have learned to have hope again, to look at brighter side of things and to allow myself to love and be loved.
Sean might have broken me and Ronnie might have betrayed me but the truth is, if I didn’t have these people around me to hold and support me, I’d be truly wrecked and ruined. And It makes me realize that I can still heal, ask for help when I need and join back the pieces of my broken soul.
For the first time I feel like I can go back to being the Leah I was. That I can go back to having a not-so broken heart. There are no more Can I’s. Okay, maybe some but this time, I don’t fear about the I can’t. I’m willing to take a chance, to dive in the depths of ocean for one last time, just to free the clutches holding me down, neither drowning me nor letting me swim back to the shore.
And when I do that, I can be free. Only time will tell if the freedom will be in form of me drowning or getting back to the coast.