Heartbreaks and Myself
Leah’s POV :
It had been a month now since everything had happened. With Grant gone off to college and everything, things had changed a lot.
Mom and Dad were pissed at him when they found his post it note on the fridge the next morning. I was happy internally that at least I had seen him off. They had, however, returned from the party around 4 am in the morning and instead of finding their son at home, they had found a note.
It was also worse that he wasn’t returning any of their calls though he did text me when he had reached safely. He sometimes texted me randomly and I replied with simple answers not bothering to increase our conversations and drown in self pity.
Dad had then given up saying his ‘children are all grown up now and don’t need him’ and busied himself with his restaurant. Mom had indulged herself in her new fashion project when she had realized that I wasn’t going to spend any quality time with her. They didn’t indulge themselves in small conversations either and I found myself guilty for the rift between my parents too.
Tracy had been amazing for the past month. She’d be by my side all the time and she didn’t even make it suffocating. She knew when to keep her distance and I loved her for that. Grant had given her the responsibility to drive me back and forth from school which he would never have done otherwise but even he knew I needed him to be there somehow, even if not in person.
I had been busy enjoying, or at least pretending to enjoy the autumn air. I would usually be at school, the library, my room or just taking a walk across the town. When I wasn’t studying or reading, my free time would be invested in understanding where it had all gone wrong and even after all thoughts invested, I couldn’t figure it out. I was slowly going crazy, so to say.
It had been hard to be in the close proximity of Sean, though. I laughed at the situation I was in. Just a little more than month ago, I was giddy at the thought of being around close to him and now I felt strangled. For the major part, I had ignored them. Sean and Ronnie had tried approaching me two times again this past month and when I had paid no interest in listening to them and Tracy had told them off to leave me alone, they had gone their way and not disturbed me again.
It was even harder catching them smile at each other, kiss, hold hands, talk and laugh - all of what I used to do with Sean. It broke me all over again seeing them happy over the pieces of my shattered heart. It felt like my misery didn’t matter to them at all. The least they could do was tone their affection down but no.
The school had become the worst place in existence for me and I finally understood why people call it a ‘hell hole’. Some of the cheerleaders never failed to snicker around me, talking in loud whispers on how I was ‘dumped’ by the Golden Boy and how I was no longer the ‘most popular girl’ having ‘lost’ my popularity to Ronnie, my own ex best friend. The jocks, on the other hand found it as an opening to get me to bed. I didn’t fail the different versions of my bitchiness and me being mean to Ronnie even if I didn’t do anything.
The rest of the school population that included nerds, teachers and janitors were busy giving me sympathetic looks and I was trying my hardest being impassive.
The only person who was indifferent to me at school was Kevin along with Tracy. He would still give me one of his regular smiles from across my room or when we would cross paths in the hallways and treating me the same - a long distance acquaintance - as he did before. It was as if he didn’t even know what had happened to me a month ago. I didn’t know if I was to be happy at his indifference and same old behavior or be thankful that he wasn’t looking down at me.
The past month had changed me drastically too. The little old goody two shoes Leah was long gone and instead of her, her evil and imaginary twin sister with the same name had taken her place. The new Leah Carmen was cold and bitchy and nothing like the old me.
I indulged myself in studies for the most part. All my time at school was spent in classes or in the library. If anyone tried to talk to be or even accidentally bumped into me, I would call them off, use words I would never have used in my entire life, scaring them all away.
Someone around the school had found it as a good opportunity to prank Ronnie and somehow, all fingers accused me of it. I wouldn’t deny it either as it went well with my cold and bitchy persona but Tracy knew. Sean would sometimes want to approach me in anger but Ronnie would hold him back. It would break me all over again.
Earlier, I used to be the Queen B, miss popular, the good Leah Carmen.
Now, I was the Queen Bitch, the rich snob, the meanie blonde Princess Leah Carmen.
Along with my heart, I had lost my reputation too.
I knew it was wrong, whatever I was doing, it was so very wrong to punish all others for someone else’ mistake but I wasn’t doing it for punishing anyone. I was too scarred and broken and the only way I could stop my tears from flowing every time I had to be in line of vision of the school’s new favorite couple was by giving every one a cold shoulder and a steady glare.
Tracy had called me out on my behavior too, one too many times but I had shut her out, not wanting her to see how much of a ruin I had become and why I was slowly turning into a mean girl.
“What are you doing with yourself, girl? You’re not yourself right now. I know you at least that much to know it’s all your act and I can see why but still. It’s not you. You’re losing yourself Leah.” She had said.
I had swallowed hard and it had taken everything in me to not cry. “I’m already too lost to care, Trace.” I had replied without any emotion.
She had sighed and left finally when I had refused to talk, probably frustrated by my one worded answers. It was then I had let myself cry in the secluded corner of the library after realizing the weight her words held.
It however, surprised me that she still stood by my side after all I kept doing and it hurt me to see her being dragged into my mess when people called her my ‘follower’ or ‘minion.’
Again, even after all the bad things I did, Kevin still was the same, as if oblivious to the person I was becoming and I hated it. Maybe it was because of the air of tiredness that surrounded myself when I was in the sanctuary of my room which he happened to catch a glimpse or two of every time I left the curtains open that he somehow saw the mask on my ruptured exterior.
All points kept in mind, I was doing pretty well - physically. I was eating, being as social as I could without indulging myself into anything that even slightly hinted towards Ronnie and Sean. I still went to parties. Sometimes Ronnie and Sean would be there and my time would be spent ignoring them instead of enjoying myself. I was online shopping these days, not really interested in making a trip to the mall.
Emotionally - I wouldn’t be too sure. I was too damaged. Everyday - I would be Miss Bitch Leah Carmen and then every night, I would hide under my comforter and cry until I fell asleep. And the again with the sunrise, my cold exterior would be back.
All in all, I was doing better than people thought I would. I was expected to lock myself up and never show my face ever again but I did the exact opposite. I put myself out there.
There were a few rumors here and there about me having ‘flings’ with the guys I danced with at the parties or happened to make out with in the game of spin the bottle and soon, I was a ‘slut’ too, along with bitch. In some weird and twisted way, those things hid my inner defeat by covering them with vague lies.
They hurt at first, they really did. But then I stopped paying attention to it. I wasn’t going to announce to the world that the only guy I have ever slept with was Sean - they wouldn’t believe me anyways, I had no proof.
Tracy still stuck up with me, even after I told her to move on with her other friends. Her other friend and the new girl Maggie who had transferred to our school in the week I was officially ruined, for some reason, stood by my side too. I’d say Tracy had convinced her that I wasn’t the bad person here.
I was aware that Maggie didn’t know the whole truth from Tracy and only parts and rumors here and there from the other students and that only increased my trust in Tracy. I also came to accept Maggie as a part of my life after having her stand for me without even knowing a single thing. I was silently grateful to her too, for sticking by me even when she didn’t know me.
What I didn’t realize was that I was slowly losing all the people who mattered to me. Mom, Dad, Grant.
What I didn’t realize was that I was slowly and steadily making a fool out of myself in front of the whole school while I played pretend with myself.
What I didn’t realize was that Sean and Ronnie weren’t the least bit affected by my act of bitterness.
What I didn’t realize that slowly, the act of bitterness was making me into a really bitter person.
What I didn’t realize that I was slowly becoming the wreck of myself.
Sean and Ronnie broke my heart. It broke me and now, I was moving towards destroying myself slowly and it never occurred to me that they wouldn’t give two fucks about what my life would become after all this ’cause if they did, they wouldn’t have betrayed me.
All what had happened was a master plan to destroy me completely and I was stupidly adding into that.