Thoughts of an Introvert

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All my life, up until now, I’ve felt like I’ve been searching for something that I can never find.

I feel as though all the time I’ve spent here on earth so far, has been a complete waste.

What exactly have I accomplished other than what’s expected of me?

Sure, I graduated high school, barely. Sure, I took a few semesters of college, but I never finished getting my degree. Yes, I got a job directly after graduating high school, but it was more so given to me because the girl who worked here, just so happened to be a long-time family-friend.

So really, what have I done? What difference have I made in this world?

It’s scary to think about your time here, and about what all is expected of you, as opposed to what all you want to accomplish.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a singer, a professional chef, a teacher, a writer. I wanted all of these things for myself, but never actually took the initiative to achieve it. I went to school every day because I had to. I did my homework because I had to. I did chores around the house for my mom because I had to. I took care of my little brother after our father left, because my mom was too caught up in her own life drama to notice that my little brother and I was hurting. I had to.

Everything I have ever done, was because I had to do it.

I’m not saying I regret any of it. I’m not saying that I blame my mom for our father leaving because that was solely his decision. I’m not saying I regret looking out for my little brother, because despite our regular arguing, he is actually one of my best friends.

I am saying, that I didn’t get to do anything just for me. At least nothing to achieve any of my life-long goals.

Right now, as I sit here in my office and type this out, I am just shy of 25 years old. I’ve been at this same job since I first started after graduation 6 years ago. I live with my fiancé and his father, in his father’s home because we can’t afford to live on our own yet. Both of my brothers have moved away and to different towns, making it so I hardly see them. My mom is depressed most of the time, and the other time she spends pretending that everything is fine, even though my oldest brother and her have no relationship whatsoever.

It’s tough to live in a world where your family is so divided, and your life is so predictable, that you feel as though you’re on auto-pilot. Every day you wake up, and live through the same routine, only to start over again the next day.

Where’s the excitement? Where’s the motivation? Where’s the drive to try something new?

I certainly don’t have any.

My fiancé and I have been talking about moving out of town. We are set and stone that we want to do it, it’s just a matter of when. This is probably the first thing I’ve been excited about in a long time.

I’m also very anxious. I’ve always lived in the city, born and raised as a true native Floridian city girl, but where we will be moving, is near the country so to speak. We would need to drive about 20-30 minutes just to get to the town where all of the shopping centers and food places are, and we would live in an area with not many neighbors. I’m skeptical, but I’m also thrilled. I can’t wait to finally have a place that we can call our own. Where we don’t have to answer to anyone, or anything.

Will it be an easy transition for me? Probably not. I’m so used to the city, it’s going to take me quite a while to adjust and learn my way around the long roads. I’m sure I’ll get lost at least twenty times, before I learn my way. Give or take about five times.

In doing so, I’ll also have to find another job. A new job. A different job.

Sure, I could go apply at some doctor’s offices and do basically the same things that I’m doing now, but do I really want to do that? Shouldn’t I at least try to do something completely different?

I’ve never been one for change, because of how anxious it makes me, but at the same time do I want to continue living on auto-pilot? Do I want to wake up every single day and already know what my entire schedule will be?

It’s hard to plan for something that you still aren’t sure of.

But one thing I know for certain is: It’s okay to want to change.

You have no obligation to be the same person you were a year ago, a month, or even 10 minutes ago. You’re allowed to grow and to change and to become the person you see yourself being, even if it seems almost impossible to achieve.

To change your life, you also need to change your priorities. Don’t put yourself on the back burner, just because you’re afraid of change, or you don’t think that you will have a good outcome.

To change your life, you have to change yourself, and your mindset. I know it easier said, than done, but I don’t think it’s impossible to accomplish. As long as you know in your heart what you want, I think you can do anything you set your mind to.

If you want to be a singer, a writer, an actor, a professional chef, a teacher, etc… you have the power to make that happen. You have the courage to try something new to achieve that goal, even if you think you don’t.

And maybe right now, you truly don’t have the means to become what you want to be, but eventually something will happen, and it will change your life forever.

All it takes is a little bit of faith, and a whole lot of patience.

I know that it’s scary to think about. Hell, it scares the shit out of me too.

It’s scary to know that you could literally change your life at any moment. You could stop talking to everyone that makes you unhappy, you could kiss whoever you want, you could shave your head or get on a plane. Nothing is stopping you. The entire world is in your hands, and you have no idea what to do with it.

I feel that 100%. I get it. I understand it. I empathize.

But just because something is scary, doesn’t make it impossible to conquer.

I challenge you to wake up every day for the next seven days, and say one positive thing to yourself. Whether it’s about yourself, about someone else, or about the day you’re going to have. Just one positive thought in the morning can change your whole day, maybe even your entire mood.

Or, maybe it won’t change anything, but how will you know unless you try?

I’ve been trying to do this every day, and so far, it’s slowly making me feel better when I wake up. It brings a new perspective to myself and to the day I’m going to have. Seems kind of cheesy, but so what?

Life is full of cheese. *wink wink*

I know nothing is ever certain. People change, things can go wrong, shit happens.

But what you need to realize is, life goes on.

Do you want to wake up every day doing the exact same thing? Or do you want to wake up every day and feel excited for a new opportunity to do something you’ve never done before?

Keep all of these things in mind on a day-to-day basis, and I promise, things will start looking up for you.

Live your life for you, nobody else.

Don’t settle for auto-pilot. Fly your own journey. Reach your own destination. Your life is in your hands.

Own it and remember: Change is good.

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