Thoughts of an Introvert

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Often times we like to picture ourselves getting everything that we want in life.

We want to achieve all of our goals and live the absolute best lives as possible.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work that way. Things happen, good and bad, and the only thing we can ever truly do, is try our best to make it through whatever stands in our way.

I’ve started taking my medication again, to help regulate my bodies hormones. I’m trying to get my periods back on track, because after my negative pregnancy test, I stopped taking them. I spiraled into a small wave of depression and thought, “Why even take them if they aren’t going to work?”

I know now that I was only showing weakness, in a time of despair.

Hopefully once I get back on track, I can break the cycle of self-pity.

I want to know that I’ve tried everything possible, before I begin to think about alternate options.

I see pregnancy everywhere.

All my friends, even strangers walking around with big pregnant bellies.

I get so frustrated because, why can’t I have that? Pregnancy is supposed to be a normality, yet so many struggle to achieve it.

I read story after story about other women’s struggles with infertility, and it breaks my heart.

It’s pretty accurate to say that this world is full of evil. Evil is everywhere, I just never knew it would reside so close to me.

I suppose I’ve been around evil my entire life, even as a child I was exposed to evil early, the day my father left. I know I keep going back to that, but it’s such a key part in my life that’s made me into the person I am today. All of my insecurities and doubts, stem from that once experience. It was traumatizing.

I hate walking through life, just waiting for something bad to happen. It’s like when things are going too good, I’m just constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and for chaos to break through.

It’s difficult to always be so focused on the bad, rather than the good. Sometimes though, we can’t help it. I think our minds feed on the negative, because there’s so much more negative in this world than there is positive.

There isn’t enough positive to keep our minds happy and worry-free, so we always assume the worst in every situation, because that’s what we’ve been taught to do. We’re programmed to imagine the worst possible outcome, because nine times out of ten, the bad things seem to overpower the good.

It’s a scary world to live in, but it’s also kind of beautiful in its own way.

Anything can happen at any moment, and it can change the course of your life forever. One thing, one person, one experience can alter your life before you’ve even realized it. Sometimes it can be bad, but on those rare occasions, it can be good.

The main thing to remember, is to distinguish the two. Make sure you are looking for the good, just as much as you come into contact with the bad.

Even if you have to use your imagination to create something good, to overcome the bad. That’s okay too. You can build up a world of magic, just to hide the tragedy that happens every day around you.

That’s why people write songs, or write poetry, or write books. That’s why people produce movies and TV shows, to give us something positive to look forward to. To give us something good in a world full of evil.

I want to believe that somehow everything we go through, is in some way preparing us for a future we may have always needed, but never knew we wanted. That there is a higher power with a plan. That we aren’t just corpses carrying souls, walking through this world with no real sense of direction. That we have a bigger meaning, that we have a greater purpose.

Evil lurks, but the good can be just as powerful.

Try not to dwell on what’s happening right now, because tomorrow, you could experience a day that’s totally different. All we have is the future, so stop stressing over the past and over things that you can no longer change.

Sure, I could place myself into a depression over my current infertility, but how would that help me later? How would that help me tomorrow? It won’t. Instead of crying over what’s happening right now, I need to remember that there is always a future, and even though I believe in fate, there are still a lot of things we have the power to change in order to achieve whatever we want.

In the end, we’re all just looking for a way to survive the evil that’s embedded into this world.

Your fear of defeat is what’s holding you back. Your fear of failure is what’s holding you back.

As hard as it may seem, you have to try to keep pushing forward.

Don’t let the evil tame you, you tame the evil.

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