Thoughts of an Introvert

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I’ve never been accustomed to change. For me, change always meant that something bad had happened.

Dad left – Had to move from a 3 bedroom house, into a 2 bedroom apartment.

Move – Had to switch schools, leaving all my friends behind.

New apartment – Too small, had to share a room with my little brother.

New school – Didn’t know anyone, and nobody really made an effort to get to know me.

Graduated high school – Had to find a stable job, while worrying about finding a place to live because my mom’s landlord decided to sell the house that my mom was renting. She couldn’t afford to buy it.

So you see my point? Change has never been good for me. In fact, I once despised change.

Now recently, my life has been pretty consistent. I’ve had the same job for 6 years now. I’ve been with my fiancé for 5 years. We’ve lived together in his father’s house for 3 years (after being kicked out of my roommates place, see, there’s the downside to change again).

For the last 2 years, my fiancé and I have been fantasizing about finally getting a place of our own. A place to call our home. A place where we can live freely, without having to worry about anyone or anything else. No rules, no obligations, just me and him.

I’ve been telling myself that I’m ready for that change, that I want it more than anything.

I just hope that it’s true.

This past weekend, my fiancé’s mother called him, telling him that she found a place we could possibly rent-to-own. She says it’s currently being renovated, and she would send us pictures once it’s up and running properly.

We’re planning to be moved by the end of this year/beginning of next year, which isn’t that far away.

While I’m beyond excited to have a place of our own, I can’t help but to also feel a little scared. Change has never been easy for me, and this move would mean moving 4 hours north, and out of the city into a woodsier area. A new city, a new house, a new job, all in a matter of months.

I’m thrilled, yet terrified.

I keep thinking, “what if something bad happens? What if something doesn’t fall through with our plans, what if we don’t secure our new jobs and we’re left with no work which means no money?”

Constant thoughts. Every day.

I know I’m probably just over-thinking things, because hey, as an introvert that’s what I do.

Still, I’m just worried that it’s going to be a disaster, and it’s going to blow up in our faces somehow.

I know, I’m so positive, right? Yes, that was sarcasm. Another coping technique I’ve perfected over the years.

Change is supposed to be a good thing, or at least that’s what people say. Change is supposed to be good, and it’s supposed to improve your quality of life. It’s supposed to make you excited, it’s supposed to allow you to look forward to something.

I want to enjoy change as much as everyone else, but I’m conflicted. I’m doubtful. I’m worried.

I’m everything that’s negative, and nothing that’s positive, which seems to be a theme in my life.

I know I have to overcome this irrational fear of mine. I need to let go of my doubts, and focus on our future.

I’ve never pictured myself being settled, with a husband, a house, pets, etc. I’ve always seen myself as growing old alone, perhaps still living with a roommate, or my mother.

I’ve never had the confidence to look at my life with a positive outlook. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The truth is, growth can be painful. Change can be painful. But I’ve slowly begun to realize, that nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere that you know you don’t belong.

You know you need to move on, you know you need to grow, and you know you need change.

We need to stop looking for happiness in the same place we lost it. We need to try to find it somewhere new, somewhere fresh, somewhere exciting.

We need to open our minds and our hearts to all of the wonderful possibilities that this intriguing world has to offer, even if it’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done, or will do.

We need to stop being afraid of what could go wrong.

We have our entire lives, why waste it doing the same thing all the time?

I’m not saying that you should change your life if you don’t want to. If you’re completely content with how your life is, that’s great, I commend you. I wish my life was exactly how I wanted it to be. I wish I didn’t need change in order to grow. I wish I didn’t need change to remind myself that anything is possible.

My entire existence, has been me confining myself to my comfort zones. I never wanted change to happen. I wanted everything to stay the same, all of the time. I wanted all of my friends to stay my friends, I wanted my first boyfriend to stay my first boyfriend. I wanted my dad to come home and be with my mother. I wanted a lot of things.

You can want for things your entire life, and you probably will, but unless you allow change to happen, unless you accept the inevitable, you’re always going to be searching for something more. For the next step. For the next answer. For the next anything.

As I’ve stated previously, change is good. We are meant to change. We are meant to adapt.

I probably sound like a broken record at this point, but I truly believe that with a little change, our lives would be so much more worthwhile.

Be the change you want to see. Be the person you want to be. Don’t let anything hold you back. Obstacles will always be there, but you’re strong enough to jump over them.

We are all, strong enough.

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