Have you ever just wanted to leave? To pack up all of your belongings and drive until you run out of gas?
Sadly, this seems to be something I think about often.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate or value my life, because I do, I just sometimes feel as though life can be a bit too much. I’m so grateful for the few friends I have, and my family.
However, having all of that, doesn’t always ease the mind when thoughts are running hay-wire.
Sometimes I just need alone time. Sometimes I just need to be by myself, away from everyone else. Sometimes I need to plug in my headphones, and listen to sad songs... or open up a book and read. Reading is actually great, because you can enter a world completely different from your own, without even having to go anywhere.
You can sit inside of your bedroom, but be in a completely different universe. That’s why reading is so beautiful. Words have a way of taking your mind to places it’s never been before. It has a way of opening your thoughts as wide as they go, allowing anything to seep inside.
Some days though, when I’m too tired to even blink, all I want to do is escape.
I want to run away, and start a brand new life. I want to live in a different city, and go by a different name. I just want to be someone else, even if it’s just for a little while.
I know it would never last though. Because simply being me, is something I’d never be able to fully run away from. The truth is, I could change my name and my hair, and my city... but I’d still always be me. Deep down, I would always know and remember who I am.
You can’t change who you are, despite your best efforts. Sure, you can act different, or talk different, or even dress different... but your soul will always be what it’s always been.
At least that’s how I see it.
Sure, we can go through temporary changes, sure our souls can temporarily turn into something we’re not used to, but eventually... with time, it would always go back.
Sometimes I have dreams, and in those dreams I’m not even myself. I’m someone entirely different. Those are the days that I wake up refreshed, because for just a little while, I didn’t have to be me.
It’s okay to feel that way. It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for your life, it just means you have the courage to acknowledge that maybe you aren’t happy, and that you should try doing something to change it.
I am constantly feeling on edge. Some days, I don’t even want to get out of bed, but I find myself doing it anyway. My life has been on repeat for the last three years.
Getting up, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, etc.
It’s natural to want to do things differently, to not be so routine.
I absolutely love my life with my fiancé, and I wouldn’t change it or him for anything... but every once in a while, it’s okay to want to escape. It’s okay to want to enjoy time by yourself, to really reflect on everything happening in your life, and different ways you might be able to change it.
Or maybe you don’t want to change it at all, you just like the idea of knowing that if you needed to, you could do whatever you wanted and wouldn’t feel bad about it.
Ideas comfort us. They bring us a sense of peace, in a world full of chaos.
My ideas, are ones of wanting to build a new life for my fiancé and me.
That’s why we’ve been talking about moving up north, away from everyone and everything threatening to hold us back. We have many obstacles ahead, but I know we can get through them.
The one thing keeping me sane about it all, is my thoughts and my dreams. It’s being able to sit in my room alone, listening to music, or watching TV, where I can reflect and make sure I have myself in check.
The part about being in a relationship, isn’t always about giving 50/50. Sometimes, your partner is going to need to take time for themselves, and they won’t always be able to give you that 50. Some days, you’ll have to pick up the slack and be that 80/20 that they need, in order to maintain their sanity.
I have days where I barely wanna talk to anyone, including my fiancé, but he understands that and respects my need to have alone time.
He knows that if I didn’t have that time to myself, I would lose my mind.
It’s all about space, sometimes.
I want to share a quote with you all:
“I withdraw from people and places from time to time, I need space from a world that is filled with millions of mouths that talk too much, but never have anything to say.” – Kaitlin Foster.
I’m not sure who Kaitlin is, but I couldn’t relate to a quote more than this one here.
It’s okay to need alone time, especially in a world as big as this. Don’t ever feel bad for isolating yourself when you need it most. Recharging your batteries is a good thing.
So if you’re ever lost, or find yourself all alone, I hope you search deep within, in order to bring yourself back home.