My psychiatrist opens the door. I look at his fake Buddha smile. “Shoji, how are you?” “I’m fine, just a little bit suicidal.” I sit on the leather couch.
“All this week, I’ve been thinking about an actress who committed suicide in the 90′s. She was a 6 ft. tall, gorgeous fashion model and an actress. She had bipolar disorder like me. She was addicted to alcohol and anti-anxiety drugs like me.” The doctor’s smile is gone.
“Her drug was called ‘phenobarbital’. Doctor, do you know about this medication?” He doesn’t answer. “Don’t you think the story is fascinating, doctor? She took an overdose with alcohol in Santa Monica, California!”
I raise my voice with excitement and the doctor raises his voice with frustration. “So what?” He stands up from the old-fashioned doctor’s chair and stares at me. “A Young man like you shouldn’t think about a death like this.”
“Doctor! It was in July! Police had a hard time identify her and figuring out the cause of death!”
It was hot, she was still sweating even after she died. Millions of happy bugs flew in circles over the body. The mixed smells of alcohol and the drug from her body fluid... This is my dream... my dream death!
My doctor sits down, we both cool down now. “She was one of the granddaughters of Ernest Hemingway. Her name was Margaux. Her grandfather had bipolar and she committed suicide on the same day he shot himself in July.
The doctor’s Buddha smile suddenly comes back and he asks me the same question again. “Are you suicidal?”
“Yes, just a little bit, like I said earlier.”
He sighs. “Why do we have to have the same conversation every time you are here?” I look at the heavy marble clock on his desk, we still have 15 minutes.
“Shoji, what else have you been thinking about this week?”
“I’ve been thinking about snakes a lot, when I wasn’t thinking about the Hemingways because someone told me that a male snake has two penises…
…You know, Japanese worship pure white albino snakes with red eyes. He can have sex with two females at a time... I wonder how they masturbate, one penis at a time or two together. If he does only one, I guess the other one feels sad and lonely, but if he does two together, he needs a lot of concentrations to make both penis satisfied at the same time.”
“Is there any connection between the actress and the snakes?” he asks. I’ve never thought about that. I look at the clock, we have 7 more minutes.
“I feel subtle happiness in her death.” Margaux Hemingway was born with invisible white wings on her back but they got heavier and heavier, until she fell to the ground and couldn’t fly anymore.
In July, 1996, Santa Monica. Her body was still hot after she died, then cold and hot again. Her sweat was crystallized with alcohol and the anti-anxiety, called ‘phenobarbital’. The semitransparent crystals were small...
…they slowly started creeping on her neck, and they formed tiny white snakes with red eyes. They were males who had two penises each. They danced, had sex and tangled around each other, curling up and down her body, speeding up and up...”