things that you can't undo

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the apology

My memory, in all honesty, is not as it should be with someone my age. I forget a lot of things; most likely a reason I fail in school.

But I don’t forget even the smallest of life events.

Like the day my prayers of Zander were answered.

It was a normal afternoon, with the smell of barbecue and freshly cut grass wafting through the air in the neighborhood. I enjoyed the little things about summer. So, to somewhat endulge myself, I sat in my backyard, laying on the single lounge chair, taking in the summery vibes.

I didn’t have class on Fridays, meaning I’d sleep until noon and stay home all day if I didn’t have plans. Jessa went to spend time with her boyfriend, and everyone else was busy, so I was on my own.

Some time around 4pm while my dad was out running errands, there was a knock at the door. My heart dropped when I looked through the peephole.

Zander.

I have never opened the door faster than that moment. The moment I daydreamed about every single day for almost five months. I was so close to bawling my eyes out when the door opened and he was actually there. Not in a dream, not my imagination, not prayers. He was on my doorstep.

He had a small shy smile, the one he always had when we first met. Tears were welling up in my eyes, and I took a deep breath to keep them from escaping, yet they did.

“Can we talk?”

I wiped a tear away and nodded, still trying not to cry as hard as I would.

He sat awkwardly on the couch, and I a few inches next to him. We were silent for a minute, which felt weird, because we could talk ourselves to death with each other. It was strange that we weren’t cuddled up on this very couch, laughing and talking about everything and anything. My thoughts were again leading to tears, but I hid them from him by covering my face with my hair.

“How’s life?” He broke the silence.

“Could be way better,” I nervously chuckled. After a second, I added, “Not great.”

“Same here.” He admitted.

I wanted to say so much, about how much I missed him, how I cried myself to sleep for the first two months we were broken up, how empty I felt without him in my life. How he stole my heart, and I didn’t want it back.

“I’m sorry.”

I gave him a confused stare.

“I didn’t give you a real reason.” He mumbled.

Yeah, I thought. “Because no” isn’t really a reason to end such an loving and passionate relationship.

“Yep.” I shrugged. “But I didn’t want to keep begging. You were going through a hard time.”

“I think things got worse without you.”

That’s exactly what I knew would happen.

“Really?” I sat up. “Same here.”

He inched closer to me. “I know I said I wouldn’t change my mind and that I just don’t want to be with you anymore. But I just didn’t want to drag you down with me.”

I began crying once more. “You were scared of me leaving yet you were the one who left.”

He lowered his head. “I know.”

“I meant it when I said I would be here for you always. I kept my promise of not leaving.”

“I know.”

I blinked back another wave of tears ready to stream out. “You know, I was okay for a while. I spent time with friends, got closer to my parents.”

“So your life got better.” He sounded irritated.

“You didn’t let me finish.” I smiled. “I started appreciating everyone in my life more. You know why? Because I knew what I had, and I didn’t want to lose it like I lost you.”

He looked seriously hurt.

“I began appreciating people in my life and not taking them for granted like I did with you.”

Silence.

“Though, I was always feeling like something missing. And I knew exactly what it was. Who it was. Like there was a hole. A huge hole in my heart. And it wouldn’t close or regenerate no matter what. And I knew.”

Zander’s eyes were glassy. If his tear ducts gave way, it’d be the second time I’d see him cry.

“I dreamed of this day. I hoped and prayed and waited for you to come back.” I let out a quick sob. “And you did.”

Now he was crying.

“I love you so much,” I said when he pulled me into an embrace. His scent, the one I’d almost lost, instantly relaxed me. “I promise I will never take you for granted ever again. I need you in my life, Zander.”

“I love you.” He barely said through tears.

And just like that, the day I prayed for nearly six months straight, had finally come. And like my heart knew, it was better than anything I imagined. Because it wasn’t in my head this time.

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