My addiction is getting worse. I have trouble falling asleep. I really hate it when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep. My brain is awake but my body is asleep. I panic. I can’t move but I can cry.
I mix different kinds of pills. I call it my ‘cocktail of sleeping pills’. I place them with a glass of water by the bed, so that I can reach them and take as many as I want while I’m lying in bed.
I know exactly what kind pills and how many of them I need, when I want to sleep for one day, three days, five days... escape from the reality. I don’t know how many pills I need if I don’t want to get up at all.
I like my dad’s old analog alarm clock. It’s not easy to set when I want to sleep more than 12 hours. I have to get up and set it again. When the alarm comes on, I can’t even tell if it’s in the morning or evening.
I like taking the subway in Tokyo, less crowded than the train and I don’t have to see the real world outside. I hear the subway cars approaching, silver and ugly orange stripe.
I always fantasize about jumping in front of the train and I miss every time and I regret it every time. I’m going to repeat this for the rest of my life.
Where do my suicidal thoughts come from? I have had some success in my life... but that doesn’t help.
My boyfriend emailed me. He sent me a picture of some American artist’s painting. It was simple and beautiful.
“Lisa, I thought you’d like it.”
I don’t like beautiful things. They try to lie to me. I email back to Satoshi, “It’s beautiful!” I didn’t lie because I didn’t say if I liked it or not.
While I’m looking at my phone, I found a photo of my favourite poet. He is going to give a lecture about his creation. I’m excited! I check the place, price and date. May 21, Wednesdays, two weeks from now. I look at my schedule.
There is no May 21, Wednesday! May 21 is Tuesday this year.
The train passes through the big curve. My brain gets a shock. My body is frozen. Immediately, I start to believe that there is a May 21, Wednesday that exists in a parallel universe.
I must have brain damage from my sleeping pill addiction. That’s why I believe strange things. This morning, I was still drugged. I almost hit my face on the wall hard but instead I put my hands on the floor and sat down.
I come home and wait for Satoshi. I quickly clean the bedroom. I make sure there aren’t any pills on the floor.
He arrives with a bottle of ice cold white wine.
“You’re right, this is weird. May 21, Wednesday. How come nobody noticed? Would you like me to ask them?”
“No, don’t... I’m scared. They will suck me into their evil parallel universe!”
He laughs. The wine makes my sick brain happy. Satoshi always forgets to bring a condom. My ex-boyfriend left a box but the size is too big for Satoshi. When the condom is too big, there is some extra. I don’t mind, when he enters me, it somehow makes me feel good. It’s hard to explain. Only my crazy brain can understand.
“You always seem much more relaxed after sex just like cats or dogs,” he says.
I laugh, “I’m not a cat or a dog... I’m still worried. If I go to the lecture, I would not come back to this world.”
“Lisa, they’ll fix the date, it’s just a simple mistake. It must be May 21, Tuesday or May 22 Wednesday.”
“Even if they fix it, I will still fall into the hole.”
“What hole? You have weird paranoia.”
In his arm, I feel safe. I still can’t sleep. I go to the living room and eat candies from the old copper dish.
“You’re strange. Why do you like to eat sweets before you go to bed.”
He kisses my cheek. Satoshi doesn’t know that I still have an addiction. He doesn’t know what is under the gold candy wrappers. I open them one by one... while drinking... more and more wine. The poisons will reach my brain soon... the cocktail of sleeping pills.
Satoshi picks up one of the candies. I try to stop him but it’s too late.
“Halcion! Barbiturate! Are you still eating sleeping pills like candies?” he yells at me.
I laugh like crazy. I’ve been suicidal so long, there is no way out. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. He kisses me and rubs my back.
“Lisa, you have to find some hope. You like me, don’t you? Trust me, I can help you.”
I like him. Can I get out from this hell if I trust him? We sit on the couch. Satoshi looks at my crying face.
“Tell me the reason why you like me.”
I like him because I like his penis. When he puts my ex’s big condom on and there is a little extra and it makes me feel good... but I can’t tell him this. I start laughing and feeling better.
I never knew that if I like someone, I could find hope.
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