“Ouch! You bit me! Don’t you know how to kiss?” The stranger laughs and grabs my shoulders. His big hands look so white, almost fluorescent in the dark.
We are in a new gay bar in the Tokyo Shinjyuku area. There are a lot of bars and clubs for gay people around here. The customers are a mixture of locals and tourists.
I just met him tonight. He came to me and introduced himself. He is muscular with a strong chest and large biceps. He looks like a guy in the army but I’m thin, and I look more like a girl.
His name is Hiroki. I see a slight mark of a wedding band on his finger but I don’t care. I don’t want to be alone tonight desperately.
My ex-boyfriend dumped me last week! He said, “You’re emotionally unstable.”
After I was dumped, I felt empty. I don’t want to do anything. I’m very scared. What should I do if this boredom remains inside of me the rest of my life? That’s why I came here, to this stupid noisy gay bar. I see some people I already knew but I’ve never met Hiroki. The one who just kissed me.
He kisses me again, more gently this time. One of his hands is on my shoulder. The kiss is nice but I can’t smile at him... I look down. My mood is unstable... I feel sad. His hand is warm. He’s been drinking beer. I feel his body temperature.
He whispers to me, “Junya, you’re so cute... You turn me on.”
The music in the bar is loud. Rock music, it doesn’t do anything for me. When he whispered to me, his mouth almost touched my ear... I still can’t smile.
The bar is getting crowded and music gets louder. We decide to leave.
“Junya, why are you so quiet?”
There is a group of noisy tourists just passing by.
“Someone dumped me because my mood is unstable.”
“That’s interesting! Tell me. What kind of mood are you in right now?”
“I can’t find anything I want to do. I’m anxious. It feels like living in a black hole.”
“I’m studying psychology at a university. ”
Hiroki seems too macho to study psychology. I giggled. He glances at me and smiles.
“You’re more attractive like that. I want to know more about what it’s like living in a black hole.”
“When I’m inside, I can’t see or feel anything. Only my mind is floating in it. It’s very frightening. There is nothing to do. Just boredom and extreme anxiety inside there.”
“You might have been a little bit depressed because of your ex.”
I hold his hand like a lonely child does.
Another tourist group is passing by. They look at us and say something in a strange language that I’ve never heard before. This wasn’t a tourist place even a few years ago.
Everyone seems like they are having fun. I wonder if I could enjoy a trip in a foreign country where no one can understand Japanese.
Have I ever had fun and laughed like them? Of course, I have. I must have. Is it true? Am I just depressed? Then I might eventually feel better. Depression doesn’t last forever.
We’re walking down the street that has a lot of small hotels. I can see many colourful flashing neon signs in distance.
I become suddenly shy, my hand isn’t in his hand anymore. I’m walking slowly from behind him.
What’s inside the black hole? Are there neon lights?
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