Η Απελπισία των Ερωτευμένων
“These violent delights,
have violent ends.”
Injustice is a very strange feeling. It overwhelms your whole being like a wild wave; trapping you under the surface of the water and making you feel utterly helpless as you drown in its depths. You try desperately to stay above the salty waters -you shout hopelessly for help, but no one is there to hear you. Or even if there is, he doesn’t care enough to bother.
You feel it on the edges of your mind as the incidents replay over and over again in your head, making you want to scream. It’s like a fire, burning inside your body as you try to explain to someone –anyone, how right you are and how things are supposed to be. You feel like you have no control of your thoughts and actions any longer –as if the darkness inside you swallows you whole and madness embraces you in its tight grasp.
It’s not fair –your mind repeats it more times than your mouth can scream it.
It’s not fair for someone else to dictate your fate –to make your decisions for you. It’s not fair to have to sacrifice everything you ever loved for the sake of someone who will never appreciate it. It’s not fair to let a part of you die –to have to choose sides of yourself instead of accepting them both.
How could you choose between those sides? Between your mother and the only man you ever loved?
She breathed life into you and tried to protect you from the evil of this world. Could you blame her for her mistakes? Could you blame her for her fears and worries?
You can shout at her, ignore her or hate her –that doesn’t change the fact that she loves you deeply and only has your best interests at heart. It doesn’t change the fact that she would prefer for you to hate her, but be safe and sound. Then, you can insult her as much as you want –she’ll make sure to hide her pain and drown her tears in her pillow, never letting you feel guilty about them.
And him? What about him?
He gave you your first taste of freedom –made you feel alive for the first time. How could you forget his smiles, his eyes, his lips? How could you forget the familiar coldness of his hands, but the endless warmth of his soul? He gave his heart to you, trusting you after uncountable years of misery and loneliness. How could you ever give it back to him, broken and shuttered –never able to heal again?
How could you ever force her to choose between those she loved the most?
What should she choose?
Being a Goddess of Light or a Queen of Darkness?
She was a beautiful chaos of both –the bringer of Spring really. She was the death of winter’s miseries and life’s resurrection. She was the hope everyone needed –a bringer of new beginnings and changes. A Goddess of Adaptability that brought life to the dead and death to the living.
She was Life’s daughter and Death’s wife.
Goddess of lovely contradictions.
Queen of the Underworld.
Maiden of flowers.
But most of all, she was Persephone. Not Demeter’s daughter and not Hades’ wife. She was a person of her own, powerful and willful. She knew what she wanted, but she also knew what she had to do. Because our personal wants and needs do not matter when the world around us is burning to the ground.
We have a duty to fulfill –a cause to complete in this world. Some call us heroes, thanking us deeply for our actions and cheering us up. We do what we have to do because we need to. Even if it pains us inside. Even if it destroys us. Even when we have to sacrifice our lives –our happiness. We –the mighty “heroes” do it.
But was any hero ever truly happy anyway?
She didn’t have to answer this question. The tears leaving wet paths on her rosy cheeks were proof enough. She didn’t want to believe it –her heart was beating painfully in the cage of her chest. The logical part of her brain had revealed to her what she had to do, yet her heart and soul refused to do it.
There surely was a better solution, wasn’t there?
A solution where she didn’t have to leave the only man she ever loved. A solution where she could still kiss his soft lips and get herself lost in his silver gaze, without the guilt of thousands of deaths on her hands. A solution where she lived happily the rest of her eternity by his side and her mother was content with her choices.
She had golden blood running through her veins –precious Ichor that made her a Goddess. Why couldn’t she be selfish for once in her life? She wouldn’t be the first deity to break the rules and she certainly wouldn’t be the last. Why didn’t she ignore everything? Her mother’s sadness? The deaths of innocents? The Olympians’ plead for help?
Because she was completely different from them.
She wasn’t one to ignore the pain she was causing to others and couldn’t imagine how the rest of them managed to do this. She wasn’t like them –she couldn’t forget the knowledge of the consequences of her actions. Her morals would never let her act like that. She wouldn’t build her happiness on the bones and blood of others.
And that’s how she knew that her decision has been made. She would never forgive herself for the death of innocents in the name of her selfishness. She would have to leave him and return back to her mother. She would have to break his heart –shutter her own heart for everyone else. Her mind repeated it, yet her heart refused to accept it.
When Hades entered the chambers of his Queen, he could only watch silently the hysteria unfolding in front of him. Persephone tagged harshly on the auburn locks he so much loved while precious tears fell like a river from her emerald gaze. She shook her head in denial as she paced around the gracious room, talking to herself quietly.
“It’s not fair!”, she screamed refusing the realization, “It’s just not fair!”
She hit the small table in front of her with force in her haste of anger, causing it to tumble on the marble floor along with the vase that was on top of it. Hades cradled her protectively to his chest, not bearing to watch his beloved in such a horrible state any longer. However, as much as his familiar embrace comforted her, she could not stop the sobs that escaped from her body as her gaze stared at the sight in front of her.
The scarlet roses had lost their beauty as their petals disconnected from them, leaving their stems completely bare. The once gorgeous flowers were laying now among broken glass –just like all the dreams she had ever made.
She buried her face in his chest as his hands tightened around her shaking form. Her nose tingled when his familiar scent hit her nostrils. He smelled so enticing and welcoming –he smelled like home. The thought brought only more tears to her emerald gems as she hugged him harder.
He was her home.
How could she ever leave him?
She couldn’t breathe as the panic began to rise inside of her. She felt like her heart was breaking into pieces inside of her chest as it painfully tried to pump more blood to her veins. As the pain became too much to handle and she fell limply to his hands, she gave his worried form a saddened smile.
She’d prefer feeling the pain of her heart breaking over and over before she ever shuttered his.
He lowered them on the hard ground, cuddling her petite figure to his larger one. His fingertips swept away her crystal tears as his other hand caressed lovingly her silky locks. A cold droplet fell on her forehead, making her snap her gaze to his. The sight of the wet path on his cheek made her heart clench painfully.
The mighty God of the Underworld was on his knees, crying for a love that could never be.
“Please, don’t cry for me”, she whispered to him, “I don’t deserve it.”
His cold lips touched her forehead softly as he rocked them back and forth.
“You deserve more than I could ever give you, my sweet”, he murmured hoarsely.
“I would never ask you of anything”, her lower lip trembled, “I only ever wanted you.”
His forehead touched hers as she buried her face against the crook of his neck. Her sobs were silent, but the feeling of her tears against his skin killed him from inside out. He didn’t want her to leave –she was the only good thing that ever happened in his life.
He wanted to keep her in his arms forever –kissing her, loving her, being with her. But it seemed that this wasn’t his choice to make –the Fates had decided to take her from him as they had decided to bless him with her.
“I love you, my Lord”, she hiccupped against his neck, “more than anything else.”
His hands tightened around her, bringing her impossibly closer as if he wanted to mold her into him –turning them into one.
“But I cannot stand this anymore, Hades“, she trembled in his arms, “I cannot let my mother mourn for a daughter that never died. I cannot let any more people die in the name of our love –a love so pure that I refuse to taint it with the blood of innocents.”
Her tearful gaze found his pained one, begging him to understand her.
“Please”, she cried, “I cannot live with such pain any longer.”
He held her in his arms as terribly sobs shook her whole body. He embraced her as his own soul froze in fear and despair. He hugged her tightly, afraid that she’d disappear any moment now. He couldn’t hide his tears away from her –he refused to.
They were proof that he had a heart -a heart that belonged only to her. His heart was shuttering at the same time as hers –his cold façade was breaking into pieces. He didn’t bother to hide it –this was what loving her felt like and he would never hide his love away from her.
“Hermes will inform your mother of your return tomorrow morning”, he muttered to her.
Her eyes glazed with more tears at his words, but he would have none of that any longer. He never wanted to see her like this again –with orbs red from crying and body too weak to stand from her pain. He only ever wished for her well being and happiness, even if he wasn’t the one to give her that.
He understood her decision and the reason behind it, even if it pained him deeply to let her go. He would never trap her in the Underworld against her will –he would never harm her in any way.
“I want you to remember”, she whispered, “I will always love you –no matter how many worlds we are apart.”
He carried her to the softness of her bed, covering her trembling body with the silky covers. His fingertips caught an auburn strand and put it behind her ear gently.
“I’ve loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you”, he smiled sadly, “and I will love you until my eyes close forever.”
Her small hiccups were cut off when his cold lips touched her own gently. She cried as he kissed her because she knew what his actions meant. It was his own way to say “goodbye”, without uttering the words out loud.
Saying it would only finalize their end -they would turn it into a painful reality that they both weren’t capable of facing. They would never be ready to say those words to one another. They would never be ready to let go of each other.
When he moved away and pressed his forehead against hers, she couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him again. She couldn’t bear the image of him, crying as he caressed her hair and gazing at her as if memorizing her forever. She let her hand wander to the back of his neck, bringing his face closer until his breath tickled her skin.
“If this is our last night together, I want to spend it with you”, she whispered against his lips.
He didn’t say anything –he was too distraught, too weak to refuse her.
He kissed her with such tenderness and desperation that she felt it to the core of her soul. Her naked skin burned at his gentle touch as he let himself love her for one last time. His tears mingled with hers as they spend their last night together, letting their bodies express what their words could not.
When the sun raised to the vast sky, his rays found them together –sleeping soundly into each other’s arms for the first and last time.
End of chapter 32!!
Title Translation: “The Despair of Lovers”
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Until next time!!