Dysmorphia

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Facing the World Pt.2

Florence hadn’t realised how far she had come until that very morning where she ate a bowl of porridge without even thinking about it, her mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of her diary.

She no longer needed saving, Chase had helped her along the way but deep down she knew she had saved herself just as much as he had saved her, she had begun to accept that though she wasn’t perfect in an shape or form, she was enough to keep herself going, she half-understood why that conversation had even occurred, why he was so insistent that she live only for herself.

She picked up the diary next to her and took a deep breath before flicking to the page where her bookmark sat.

A stab in the back is almost bearable, a stab in the heart, that can never be forgiven

Cooper accosted me in the bathroom today, thats the only word I can use to describe it, its pretty darn presumptuous that she thinks she has the right to lecture me about my health and play the worried ex-friend when they were the ones who left me hanging out to dry in the first place, she hurled all sorts of accusations at me.

She even told the biggest lie I’ve ever heard, she told me she was jealous of me, what is there to be jealous of, my fat thighs? my multiple chins?

But there was one thing she was right about, I do have a problem, but its a problem I don’t want to confront because I am far too afraid to do anything about it

She Madison and Lauren stabbed me in the back when they left me to cope with one of the worst moments of my life, but acting like she cared, acting like the old Cooper, that was a stab in the heart

Florence

Florence understood Cooper better than she ever had before when she thought back to their conversation, Cooper was so afraid that one day she would become replaceable, she thought the only thing going for her was her looks, in a way they had both been trapped inside their own bodies.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in hate at first sight, I thought it was love at first sight when Lauren nudged me as Cameron Tate walked onto the sports field.

But when everything went down, when the whole business of the FBPG began one lunchtime I tripped over my own shoelaces and sent my plate of macaroni cheese that I didn’t intend to eat flying, he was the one who started the laughter, everyone pointing and everyone laughing at the spectacle that was the fat girl covered in food, nothing could be funnier

That was the day I decided never to eat in the cafeteria anymore

Florence

That was one thing she would never comprehend, why did people savour putting each other down so much? She could slightly understand why popular people would enjoy the bullying, it created drama, it created gossip and also kept them at the top, the only way to stay on top was to constantly push them down.

But as for the rest of them? Were they really so pathetic and insecure with their own lives that they needed to crush hers?

All those bystanders, Facebook comments, shares, sniggers, scrawls on the bathroom door, rumours, sneering, ignoring and every single comment thrown her way were done by people who hardly knew her, who had no right to ever know her.

There would be no power in words if people didn’t give these words power, it would be like a gun chamber empty of bullets, people gave others the bullets to kill other’s self confidence.

She pitied the person who had started The List, at first she had felt anger and pure hatred towards them but now she felt only pity, she didn’t even want to know who had started it because they were the real victims here, so twisted with spite and a desire to make others as sad as they were that they had created something so superficial that had caused endless pain.

Every year it was rumoured, their was a new author of The List, she wasn’t going to waste a single moment of her life wondering who would write her name down, she was free of those shackles now.

When you’re perfect friends ditch you, you tend to go for friends that attract trouble, trouble summed up Clarice, Clarice came from a very troubled background, her mother had been just fourteen years old when she had given birth to her and was a heroin addict, Clarice had been born prematurely.

She now lived with her foster parents and I had never visited her house, from what she had told me I could guess that they pretty much let her do whatever she wanted and disregarded her drinking problem. Clarice was someone who probably needs saving more than I did, that makes me sad to think about, all the pointless conversations and parties we’d been to and apart from our first meeting, not a single meaningful word had passed between the two of us.

Florence

Florence had been banishing Clarice to the corners of her mind but now she vowed once she left this place, she would find her, she would tell her the truth and try to help her as much as she could, she had thought she was beyond saving once, Clarice just needed someone to believe in her, at heart she was a good person, life just hadn’t been kind to her.

I don’t necessarily agree with the saying that home is where the heart is, what if your heart is so broken that you no longer know where you belong?

I remember when our house used to be a home, I remember the very first day it stopped being one, when my Mum came home gushing about the most perfect property she had managed to buy, she had always dreamed of owning her own restaurant in Phillipson, and now her dream would come true.

The Diner seemed exciting at the start but as time went by it took more and more of my parents time, baked goods were no longer present along with my smiling mother at the end of the day, I couldn’t relate my day to her and tell her my problems, Dad started to travel more and more, we rarely saw each other except for the occasional awkward breakfast

It’s almost comical, they bought The Diner to bring in more money which we would all spend to make our lives happier, so we could live together better than we had before, maybe buy a better house but the money and extra work just tore our family apart and made it more miserable than ever before

The Dream turned ugly, we would have been better off poor, content and at least all together

Florence

That was another thing she had almost forgotten, how miserable their home life had been, how stressed her mother had been and how the piles of work never seemed to end, when her mother finally came to visit them she was going to tell her parents how she felt, how having more money wasn’t worth sacrificing their relationship.

She turned over the page and was surprised to see that she had come to the end of her entries, at least where last year was concerned, in more messy handwriting was scrawled entries from this year, entries that she could still rehearse by heart.

Chase entered the room with a knock on the door, tired was an underestimate for how drained her looked, she felt a knot in her stomach, she needed to face the truth just as she had faced the world, she needed to ask Chase what was wrong.

And she needed to do it tonight.

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