Dysmorphia

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“I thought so, I guess I do know something about you then, the folders told me enough but I’d rather hear it from you, where are they?”

She didn’t answer again.

He grabbed a handful of the thin blanket

“I’ll pull it off if I have to Florence, trust me I’m just doing my job”

“Who the hell do you think you are?” Florence snapped.

Her head was beginning to feel heavy on her shoulders, she needed to go home she needed to be at home counting each and every calorie, she’d probably be the size of an elephant by the time they released her from this prison.

Chase didn’t let go the blanket.

“I’ll tell you who I am” he said coldly

“I’m the guy who has to come in here and try to put you back together again, so when you’re done wallowing in self-pity would you mind telling me where the rest of your cuts are so I can get the job done and get on with something else.”

His words stung, she hadn’t thought words could affect her anymore, not after the year she had had, not after she’d made all the changes in her life, but these words did along with the assumption that she was some kind of bratty, suicidal teenager.

She contemplated the word suicidal, what did it really mean, her dictionary had said it meant someone who was ‘deeply unhappy or depressed and was likely to commit suicide’ the very fact that she’d looked up the definition would probably be cause for worry for her parents.

But what everyone didn’t know was that she had never tried to kill herself, they just expected her to feel that way without really knowing her, she had wanted to no longer exist, she’d wanted to exist in a body which didn’t trap her like a prison.

One thing she did know for sure was that she didn’t want anyone seeing the rolls of fat hidden under this blanket, the massive expanse of flesh that lay on her body that she had been trying so hard to eradicate but clearly hadn’t tried hard enough with, if she had they wouldn’t be visible anymore.

She considered a lot of horrible things she could shout in Chase’s face, he had absolutely no right, her mother and father’s anger she could at least understand, he had no right to be angry at her and as for his job, she almost laughed, fixing her body would be one matter but the demons inside her own head, they were there to stay.

Florence sighed, she knew this was a lost battle if she didn’t tell him she would probably be examined all over until he found them.

“I’ll tell you where they are if you promise me one thing”

He clenched his jaw.

“What?”

“Promise me that you’ll never give me any food without telling me exactly what’s inside it and its nutritional value”

His confusion was evident “Why?”

“Does it matter? I’m stuck here aren’t I? I’m just asking you this one favour, its important to me, please”

He paused, watching her curiously, she was a puzzle to him.

“What’s going on with you Florence, Mitch told me things but I’m gathering that isn’t the full story”

“That’s ... It’s complicated, Chase, and we don’t have time.’”

And then their eyes locked, and without thinking the mouth that had already landed her in so much trouble opened again.

“But if you truly want to know, I’ll tell you. Another time”

He kept watching her.

“And why would you do that?”

She shrugged.

“Well, I’m already tied up. Things can’t get much worse.”

Chase gave a small nod. ”

“Where are they, Florence?”

“Promise me.”

For a moment she thought he was going to say no, but then he sighed.

“I promise, I’ll tell you”

“And I can trust your word?” she asked, watching him carefully.

He half smiled. “With your life.”

It was a dig, but somehow she knew it was also the truth, he seemed sincere.

She wondered how he had ended up working here, they were the same age and he should have been at school right now. But she didn’t want him thinking she was interested in his life even if she was, because if he told her about his life he would probably expect her to tell him about her own life. And that information would be used against her.

“My right thigh and stomach. And I didn’t break my own arm.”

She had momentarily forgotten what she had been so afraid of until he lifted the blanket revealing one bandaged leg and gasped.

Oh God, he had seen it the fatness, the blubber.

She was the FBPG, she would always be that same girl no matter how hard she tried.

She picked up the pillow closest to her and buried her face in it.

“I know” she whimpered.

“I know it disgusts you, it disgusted everyone else, I’ve tried Chase, I’ve tried so hard but I can’t get rid of the fat!”

She managed to take the pillow away from her face, he looked dazed, like someone had thrown a brick at his head and he was utterly stunned.

“Wait, Florence? you think you’re fat?”

Think she was fat?

She almost felt like falling on the floor and laughing.

She knew she was, it was the only thing she was and the only thing she would ever be, she was Florence the Fat Girl.

And she always would be.

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