"I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be"– Pip, Great Expectations
31 years ago
"Congratulations Mrs. Black, you are six weeks pregnant"
The doctor looks pleased with himself. Her hands begin to shake violently and then stops.
A simple but complicated command. Dr. Hill looks at the woman sitting rigidly in front of him. He couldn't tell her that the result of her pregnancy was immediately forwarded to her husband.
She repeats a bit harsher. He looks away, unable to keep eye contact.
"Maybe you should sleep on it; go home and have a discussion with your husband." Dr. Hill's voice is slightly shaky; the uncomfortable feeling of dread creeps steadily across his spine. Silent prayers are sent to God to save him from this ice-cold queen sitting in his office.
"This is my body. My decision. And I have already made up my mind." She is adamant, nothing he is going to say is changing her mind, but he is going to try.
"Please Mrs. Black...your husband...he knows about the baby." He confesses like a sinner in a confessional at church, forcibly baring his ugly soul, hoping for absolution.
She says not a word; gets up and leaves his office. Never to return. He is over-joyed.
"You hellish bastard!" Noémie is livid, standing in the middle of that man's office trying to keep it all together. She hates him; she loathes his voice; she detests his hands; despises his existence. She wishes that he would just die already.
Second, his entire name is Canaan Demetrius Black II is a powerhouse, a whirlwind of determination and one evening out on the town of Paris when he saw the most stunning woman on the entire planet. A dancer; a ballerina. So aloof and cold. And naturally, he wanted her. And what the Second wants, he gets; by any means necessary. And FOUR days later: they are married. Sacrifices were made, of course, she was no longer a dancer, he saw to that; she had to leave France and her family; everyone she knew and loved – he was not living there, England was his home
"Why the hostility dear, it's not good for the baby."
Second's voice echoes across the room, a powerful sound, always demanding attention everywhere he goes.
"I don't want this thing in me!" She screams at him. His mood changes from relaxed to violent in a millisecond.
"You hurt my child and you will live to regret it for the rest of your pitiful life." The statement he made, silences Noémie, she believes him. She is stuck forever, but she will never love this creature growing inside of her. NEVER
Second, took everything from her, her career – she worked extremely hard for, her family – no more could she see mother and father and her lover – they were to be married and spend the rest of their days in Paris. All Gone.
The nightly rapes were taking a toll on her psyche and now months into this farce of a marriage, she is carrying this abomination. She will never forgive him and what he symbolizes. He needs to be put down, permanently.
"I hate you."
Three words slowly stab Canaan in the gut. He does not understand why the love of his life doesn't love him back. Sure he did some despicable things to have her here, but surely he has made up for that.
Nothing, she wants for NOTHING. Living in the castle of a house; servants at her beck and call; twenty-four hours, seven days a week. And a man who worships her and still, the nightly fights that forces him to become unsightly. He never wanted to hurt her. EVER
She storms to the office door and stops. Turning slowly she looks him dead in the eyes.
"I pity this child because it has YOU for its father."
7 months later – May 7, 1988
"Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Black, you have a beautiful baby boy. Eight pounds, six ounces."
Her cold fingers were held firmly but gently in his warm grasp. She cannot detach herself from his person, every second that clicks by is agony on her flesh.
"Baby, we have a boy!"
He is so happy but she cannot bring herself to care about the situation. Finally, he lets go of her hand and quickly takes the quiet bundle from the nurse's arms. He returns to his wife's bedside.
"Noémie my love, meet our son, Canaan Demetrius Black III"
She looks down at the baby and is greeted by a mop of dark curls with pretty blue eyes that look up into her soul and then he smiles. Her heart is electrocuted with emotions and smiles back. I will try to love you, baby, she thinks, no one will ever hurt you, I promise you that.
10 years later – May 24, 1998
I am hurt.
I am always hurting.
Mama has been so cold all my life.
Nothing I have done as ever crack a smile on her face. I need her to see me. See all the love that I desperately show her.
A perfect child just wanting his mother to care about him
"I am not taking him!" His mama's voice shrieks across the house. God! They are at it again.
"Fuck Noémie, he's been gone all year at that school YOU insisted that he attends. You avoid your own child! That ridiculous charity event you have tomorrow in Miami Florida, what's that fucking name again? Artists for Humanity, yeah! Take him to that!"
"It's not for children!"
"You are taking him. End of discussion."
The flight goes by in silence; all nine hours and twenty-five minutes of it. Mama reads her book and ignores me, as usual. But it does not bother me, I am in her presence and I am truly happy. The private plane touches smoothly down at Miami International Airport and our driver James exits first to collect the car.
Mama turns and finally looks in my direction and says, "Canaan you will behave yourself on this trip. There will be no whining or begging. You will NOT be seen or heard. Do I make myself clear, garçon?"
Just for her, I am fluent in eight additional languages. (French, Spanish, German, Japanese, Mandarin, Russian, Arabic, and Portuguese) I want to make her proud always. Yes, I am ten years old and an overachiever and very proud of it.
The Four Seasons Hotel is so beautiful and shiny, just like mama. She checks us in and I stand next to her in silence. We board the elevator in silence. It takes us to the presidential suite in silence. We enter the room in silence and she leaves me there going in her bedroom and quietly closing the door behind her leaving me in silence; alone and unloved.
Monday 25 May 1998 (from Isabetha point of view)
Today is my 6th Birthday! I just love birthdays! Well, mine of course! Cake, ice-cream and so many presents; it is so much better than Christmas! Abuelo Nico buys me so many beautiful things. And today daddy spends the entire day with me. Yeah, I cannot wait! An entire day – no school with cake, ice-cream, and presents.
"Good morning mother" She is making her 'special' tea at the counter in the kitchen when I enter. My brother Aléjandro and my sister Adelina are already having breakfast, but daddy is not around; strange.
"Where is daddy?" I ask Aléjandro, who shrugs his shoulder and mumbles, "dunno kid"
I am hesitant to ask our mother, she looks happy and I don't want to upset her.
"He had early surgery, Aléjandro and Adelina has a field trip and I will be too busy to carry you off to school so you will be spending the day with me"
My insides cringe and I fight to hold back the tears from falling.
"I have a charity event, that's what I will be doing today. So get dressed...APPROPRIATELY. We will be leaving in fifteen minutes"
"But mother...what about my..."
"Say nothing Isabetha. I do not want to hear it. Get moving, now!"
She has forgotten my birthday. Even my brother Aléjandro, I didn't expect Adelina the witch of a sister to remember.
What a Monday it is
Mother left me to my own devices as soon as we arrived. But I am not mad. I am happy. The garden here is so beautiful and serene and I spend my time making a crown from the flowers.
A few hours later I hear someone crying. Curiosity gets the better of me and I jump up and ran in the direction of the sounds. Sitting on a bench, weeping loudly is a boy. He is all alone and I know in my heart that he needs a friend, desperately. Quickly but quietly I approach his figure.
And I touch him on his face. He is startled by my voice and my hand and looks up at me. Big beautiful blue eyes, framed by tremendously long lashes stare unblinkingly into my soul, but he does not smile. I am not discouraged by this. I smile brightly at him.
"Today is my birthday. I'm six" I told him boldly. "Wanna play?" I ask, while am pulling on his arm. He does not budge.
"Play? I don't know...how...to"
I am shocked by his revelation.
"You never played before!?! Well come on then I will teach you."
The time flew by and suddenly he stops moving and just stands there looking at me, intensely.
"You okay?" I walk over and hold his hands. "Are you okay?" I repeat the question when he doesn't answer.
"Nothing could be better."
Strange answer, my brows knot together for a few moments and I brush it aside ready to continue our time together.
His watch alarms at this very moment.
"I...I...have...t...t...to...go" Forced words fell from his lips.
"Okay" I sing, "it was very nice to meet you...I don't know your name!" I laugh at my lack of manners.
"My name is Canaan"
And his hand shoots forwards at me so formally. I look at him and then at his extended hand again. I move in closer, past his hand and leaning in I kiss him on his cheek.
"Hello Canon, I am Isabetha"
And with that, I run off and disappear around the corner.