Iris: Please tell me you haven’t found a roommate yet.
I pressed send as I sat locked in the bathroom tears streaming from my eyes as I awaited for my best-friend and former roommate to respond. Outside I could still hear him yelling and cursing. Belittling me with every phrase that he could. I actually feared things taking a negative turn.
Please let her be awake. Please! I hadn’t calculated the time in the midst of panic and the possibility that she may be sleep never even crossed my mind. I sighed. I should have known he would do something like this. The storm had just started but it was already something ferocious. No one would be caught dead outside in the middle of this. I bet that what he was thinking, but he was wrong.
I wouldn’t stay somewhere I didn’t feel safe storm or not.
“GET THE FUCK OUT! I’M DONE WITH YOU! IT’S OVER!” he yelled pounding on the door as more tears came streaming down my cheeks. It’s been like this for hours. I don’t even remember where the argument started or why. I just wish I’d noticed that it was the calm before the storm when I still had time. I jumped as my phone vibrated and silently thanked the heavens that she was still up.
Lav: No I haven’t. What’s going on?
Iris: I need my room back. Moving in together was a huge mistake and I need to get out of here as soon as possible.
Lav: Girl you know I’ll always have space for you. Can you get here? I don’t have my car.
Iris: I’ll used the Cabby app. I just need to get away from here and soon.
Lav: I’ll leave the doors open. Luckily I went shopping and stocked up on shit before the storm.
I shook my head as I laughed. Trust Lavender to try to make a joke when I already knew she was panicking. Last time I texted her this late begging for my room back I had a busted lip and she had to come get me. I should’ve learned that time, but stupidly I trusted and believed him when he apologized. Now we were here again and I was regretting it.
Iris: I’ll be there as soon as I can. I promise.
Lav: Just be careful Iridessa. I mean it.
I didn’t bother to respond I knew what she meant. I couldn’t promise that. I didn’t know how mad he was or if he would revert to old ways of getting his point across. All I knew was that I had to get away, whatever the cause.
“YOU FAT BITCH!” he yelled as I continued to pack up my things. More tears filled my eyes as I went back and forth between packing and wiping away the blood on my cheek. I don’t even know what he’d thrown at me, but now I’ll have a permanent scar to remind me of him. Regardless, I still couldn’t believe all that was happening right now and the lengths it were going to.
Obviously he wasn’t worth my tears and suffering. I finally realized that I didn’t have to stay around continuing to be hurt and berated by him and yet somehow I still felt like I was doing something wrong, he treated me as if I was a pest that needed to be squashed so that I would stop annoying him.
He has anger issues and I don’t know why I didn’t notice before.
In a way this my fault. That’s what I whole-heartedly believed. I know everything irritates him when he can’t get it his way how he wants it. Still, I stayed and kept coming back. I’m done with being tired of being the one to get the ass end of the deal. I won’t be around any more for him to emotionally, sometimes physically, abuse and berate.
“LEAVE THEN BITCH! YOU WEAK HOE! YOU ONLY CARE FOR YOURSELF ANYWAYS! YOU TAKE UP TOO MUCH OF MY SPACE ANYWAYS! I’M BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU!” he yelled as he threw my bags out onto the porch. I was racing trying to get all that I needed, but he apparently had been packing my things too. He didn’t even save me a coat to put on.
Everything had been packed away, including the feelings he had pretended to have for me for so long. A screamed dislodged itself from my throat followed by choked sobs as he grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me towards the door. Pushing me on to the porch he threw my pillow and duvet at me with a snide comment that made me flinch before slamming the door in my face. I heard the click of the lock as I wrapped the blanket around myself trying to protect myself against the harsh wind and snow. It was already so much out here, if I couldn’t get a driver, I’d probably freeze to death out here. He made a point to turn off all the lights, making a point of how much he didn’t care, before he went back to doing what he did best.
Thinking of only himself.
I hugged the blanket closer to me feeling as my endless tears froze to my face. He wasn’t worth me crying over anymore, but I couldn’t stop. I knew, just like all the other times, he’d call apologizing begging for another chance the moment he calmed down. I wouldn’t be stupid again though, this was the last time. I was done with him. He may have changed, but it wasn’t in a good way and I didn’t deserve that.
Sighing I sat atop my suitcase as I pulled my phone out to finally get myself a ride. Paying for someone to take me home this late at night always scared me, but I had no other choice. I was freezing, a major storm had started and I wouldn’t be safe sitting on this porch all night. He made it clear that he wasn’t letting me back in. I’d have to take my chances with the driver.
Someone had accepted my plea almost instantaneously making me sigh with relief glad at least one other person was still out in this storm. It took him about five minutes before he was pulling up to the curve no questions asked. At least I was lucky about one thing tonight. I paid no attention to him as he got out of the car to help me load my things into the trunk. He was kind and I felt bad for not really acknowledging his presence, but I was in my own world and on the verge of my entire body having frostbite. I was trying desperately to unreel after what happened, but I was still wound up tight. I didn’t even bother to utter a thank you and I kept trying to pull the blanket tighter around me.
Once we were done I took a moment to decide where to sit. I didn’t want to sit in the back and pile on top of how lonely I felt. I didn’t trust myself not to breakdown at the false sense of privacy. I didn’t want to cry in front of a complete stranger, I had to be strong for just a little while longer. No matter how much I didn’t want to sit with this stranger, I had to swallow my pride, even if it was for my own sanity.
I opened the passenger side door and sat in the seat before looking longingly out the window. Like an idiot, I knew that despite it all, I would still miss him. We were together for four years, that didn’t mean nothing to me and those feelings don’t just go away. At least for me it didn’t. I felt as the car shifter into drive and watched as the house got smaller and smaller behind us, until all I could was the blinding white of fresh snow covering everything. A small shaky sigh escaped my lips as I tried to regain my composure as the blanket fell from my shoulders.
“Hey Iris, Long time no see.” came the driver’s voice. I knew that voice well. I once hated that I loved it so much. I gasped as I turned to confirm who that voice belonged to, no longer feeling lucky. I really should have been paying more attention than I had been, I would have noticed him sooner and tried to get another ride.
“J-jackson, hi.” I stuttered as he smiled at me like this wasn’t weird. What were the chances that I’d get my ex and first love as my driver tonight of all nights? Someone was really fucking with me tonight.