About ten minutes had passed with absolutely nothing from either girl leaving me nothing but time to think. My head was in my hands as no immediate solution came to me. It was becoming clear that Lavender had a point. This has become an unofficial routine of our, no matter how much time we’d spent apart. We’d be so wrapped into each other and everything would be blissful. Then we’re fighting like cats and dogs over nothing and everything possible. After all that we’re having wildly passionate sex and back to fighting after. It was a tiring cycle that neither of us can seem to break.
“It’s not what you think Iris.” I finally spoke sighing as I leaned my head against the door. I couldn’t change her mind last time, but this time I would. “I promise you it’s not.”
“You said it yourself last night Jackson. You only wanted to use each other for sex and nothing more. That was it.” nevermind the fact that she sounded like she was legit sitting on the other side of the door, that unknown emotion I couldn’t detect a few minutes ago was coming through loud and clear now. She was disappointed in me. She wanted me gone. To stick to what I had said as if I had a choice in the matter. She feared that it would happen again and thought that fighting was the best way to ensure that it wouldn’t. This time we had a barrier between us to make sure that it wouldn’t.
“Iris, I hadn’t expected to get snowed in. My mind really hasn’t been on the storm last night or otherwise. I promised you something and me being out here in the cold was my attempt to try and keep that promise. I swear.”
“I’m not naive Jackson. I know your stuck, but you still had a choice. I’m more mad that you chose to sit in the cold rather than just deal. I won’t assume that we’re back together because we fucked. I won’t assume that you think we are because we’re cuddling in bed. I can share a bed and cuddle with you and have it mean absolutely nothing.” she said before opening the door without warning me. I gasped as I fell backwards my head hitting the floor hard, but nothing compared to the break in my already broken heart.
She was over me. There was no need to try anymore. I’d ruin it long ago.
It was irreparable.
I had no idea what to say. There was nothing left that could be said. We’d been sitting in the hallway in silence for another fifteen minutes. My ass had turned numb and my back was starting to hurt as I leaned against the door frame. I now had a headache thanks me bumping it. She was still looking at me with those beautiful big brown eyes expecting me to have some kind of response.
I still had nothing.
I didn’t know what to say or how to even start a different conversation. No matter what we did or whatever we talked about, one of us still related it to us. I didn’t want to fight her anymore. I didn’t have the energy to. I didn’t want to argue over things that made more sense when they didn’t make any at all. I was clearly more confused than she ever was.
It was clear that we were toxic for each other and I loved it. We had a different kind of jealousy brewing in us. One that brought about a kind of vengeance I’ve only seen in movies. I was amazed with how far she was willing to go to get back at me. Somehow, it became a game of who could be the better dirtbag. There was a lot of unspoken things about our relationship, but everything about our breakup and after was out there.
I may have done the most, but the levels of her gut punches had her tied with me.
Still, I only fell for her more.
She was truly my other half in every way possible. She was someone that spoke to my soul in a way no one else could. I loved how toxic we were to each other. It wasn’t always in a bad way. The more we hurt each other, the stronger we felt, the more what we had felt real. The pain, the tears, the hurt, the lack of trust and hatred only proved to me that she was the one for me. As crazy as it sounds.
No one had ever made me this crazy for them...over them…
She was all that I wanted and the only thing that I needed. It sucked that she didn’t feel the same, but I couldn’t tell her that. I didn’t want to ruin the little bit of improvement that we had made.
“Jackson,” she sighed scooting closer to me as she grabbed my hand before leaning her head onto my shoulder. The simple action sent chills throughout my entire body. It took everything I had not to tense up. “Regardless of everything, I do miss you as my friend. For a while you were my best-friend and I hate that something as simple as sex came in-between us. I would love to finally have my friend back.”
I tried to fight back the smile that was threatening to plaster itself on my face. Between all the figths and arguements, the constant back forth and the sex; she still reverted back to something as simple as us being friends. Something that she knew wouldn’t work, not for us. There were still too many feelings for that. Yet, in my opinion, it wasn’t enough feelings there to entertain the thought of us getting back together either. This was the craziness that I loved and wouldn’t hate having to deal with again.
Yes, we were complicated, but that was why we worked so well.
“How about we watch a movie?” I asked both ignoring and responding to what she’d said. Friends or not, it was obvious I still held her heart. It was both a good and dangerous thing. She could succumb and get back with me or she could be defiant of what she felt and forced herself to love yet another wrong guy all to forget me.
I am unforgettable and I’d be damned if I let someone hurt her again.