I don’t know how long we’d been laying here. When I kissed him, I’d imagine it ending in a completely different outcome. I had been wrong…
...about more than just the outcome.
There was still something lingering in the back of his mind. I could see it in his eyes. The thought of what it could possibly be had me getting choked up. I had done an unforgivable and we both knew it. He’d been hinting at it since he’d picked me up, and everything after had been merely a distraction.
He knew that I knew that he knew. It had become a kind of waiting game on who would speak on it first. Now that he’d managed to break through my walls again, I wasn’t ready nor willing to lose him again. It’s already been hard enough trying to keep him away and not once had it ever worked, but this time it will.
They don’t call it unforgivable for nothing. The moment that those words were spoken confirming what he didn’t want to believe, the era of Jackson&Iridessa would definitely be over with…
...and for good.
“Don’t speak.” he whispered, cutting me off as his voice broke. “Just please let’s lay here in silence for a moment. Just let me enjoy being with you in a way I’ve been deprived of for too long.”
“But I-” I tried again, but the look he gave me had me swallowing my words. For the first time I could see just how heartbroken he really was. His eyes were filled with unshed tears with the words he refused to say swimming around in them. This was it. It was really over between us and he just wanted a moment of silence, happiness, before it was said aloud.
“Just please lay here with me.” he begged, his rough voice barely over a whisper. I nodded my head as I cuddled up against him. He wrapped his arm around me pulling me closer to him as my own tears began to flow. My hands balled up his shirt as he held me tighter than what I thought was possible. I could feel his chest shaking letting me know that he’d started crying also. One little mistake was tearing us apart and I hated it.
For years I’d put it off on him and now that the shoe was on the other foot I wanted to plead my case. Beg for another chance, make promises I probably wouldn’t keep and just do or say anything I could to keep him next to me. I knew from experience it was pointless though. Why would he let me hate him all this time when I was the one that had actually done wrong? Why would he let me continue to push him away when it was me who needed to stay away from him? I’d deserved the relationship I was in.
I was the one who couldn’t be trusted.
I was the rash thinker.
I made rash decisions.
I ruined everything.
I fucked up and I wished that I could take it all back.
“I’m so sorry Jackson.” I cried as I tried to get even closer to him. I could feel as his large hand rubbed my back.
“Shh, it’s okay.” he whispered, his voice shaking. I shook my head knowing that it really wasn’t as I cried harder. I couldn’t lose him, I didn’t want to.
At some point I’d fallen asleep. Well, I basically cried myself to sleep. I wasn’t even surprised to find that I was alone. I’d expected him to want to be as far away from me as possible until he was actually able to leave. I sighed as I laid there in the dark letting the complete silence consumed me. I had brought this upon myself. All I did was push him away trying to justify my own actions, when I was the only asshole here. It was my fault this time and there was nothing that I could do to deny that.
I was so stupid. So quick to blame him for things that I knew he wouldn’t do because of a past I wasn’t even a part of. He was honest with me. He laid his heart out before me. I accused him of playing with mine and my feelings all the time because I was scared. I broke him down until there was nothing left and then like the toxic person I am, I blamed him for leaving me. No, he didn’t leave me, he just finally listened when I said go. He thought that I hated him. He thought I couldn’t see the real him. He thought I couldn’t see how he really felt for me. How deep his love truly ran.
I saw it all and it fucking terrified me. So much so that I jumped at any chance of me not meaning so much to him. Accused him of ruining it all, when it was really me.
I was the one that was wrong here. It has always been me.
I did the unforgivable.
I slept with his best-friend and then I had him brag about it. I told him to tell as many people as possible. I kept it from Lavender. She doesn’t even know. Not only did I ruin my relationship with him, I’d come between theirs also.
I was a bad person.
I was a bitch.
Thinking about this had so much building up on my chest that it felt like I couldn’t breathe from all the pressure. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I had to let it out, so I screamed. I screamed until my throat had gone dry and I was hoarse.
I kept screaming even as he ran in and immediately came to hold me. I screamed as he tried to soothe me. I screamed as he tried to explain that he hadn’t left. I screamed until I succumbed into tears. I cried until the words just came stumbling out and there was nothing I could do to take them back. I needed to release the pressure.
“Jackson, the baby was Ryan’s. That’s why I got the abortion.”
I wasn’t even surprised as he jerked away from me like I’d burned him and left the room. It was definitely over.