I growled as I slammed my fist into the wall once again. I was pissed beyond belief. I wanted to kill Ryan. Legit kill him. Just wrap my hands around his neck and keep tightening them until his lips turned blue from lack of air. He wasn’t supposed to touch her. He knew how I felt. He knew the truth. Yet he still went there. He still defiled her.
“Fuck!” I growled punching another hole in the wall. I’d pay to have it fixed later, but this was a release I desperately needed right now. To my surprise it wasn’t Ryan’s face I was picturing as I continued my assault...it was Iridessa’s.
She knew better than that.
She did this purposely to hurt me, although it had gone a bit further than she anticipated, she’d succeeded. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that it’ll always be my best-friend who got her pregnant first? It will always be my best-friend who comforted her when I couldn’t. It’ll always be my best-friend she used to break me and my trust completely.
All due to a simple misunderstanding he knew the truth too.
All due to that same misunderstanding I was going to lose everyone I held close to me.
I was going to lose everyone that I loved...
...everyone whom I considered family.
As much as I wanted to blame everyone else, I had to face the facts...
All of this was because of Iridessa.
I was pissed.
I hated her.
Hell, I hated myself.
Maybe I had been wrong about this entire thing. This level of toxicity was more than I could bear. It was burning me from the inside out like acid. It was making me crazy, making me want to do things that otherwise would make me sick to think of.
I wanted to fight.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to go hide in a cave and have the kind of breakdown I’ve never imagined myself having before. If this was what being heartbroken felt like, I had no clue what it was that I was feeling before. I was growing numb to both the physical and mental pain and I threw my fist at the wall repeatedly creating a nice size hole.
The more I saw her face the harder I punched.
The more the images of them invaded my mind the harder I punched.
The more I saw her alone and scared in a clinic by herself the harder I punched.
The harder I punched the more I wanted to cry. I hated everything about this and to make it worse, I just wanted to go hold her until she felt safe in my arms. I wanted to console her and ensure that we could get through anything, but I didn’t know anymore. This was more than I could bear. I wasn’t as stong willed as I liked to believe. My heart was bleeding crying out for her, but it was because of her it was in so much pain.
It all happened in slow motion. I growled as loud as I could throwing a final blow to the wall before falling to my knees and letting the tears flow down my face. I could hear my own heart-breaking sobs in my ears and I hated it. She wouldn’t come to console me. She feared I hated her. She feared that I would hurt her. She feared me.
I wasn’t even sure I wanted her to come.
I wanted to be alone. I needed time to think. I was so sure that I wanted her back. That she was the one for me. That she was the only girl that I would be with and love forever. I was sure that I could get over anything she threw at me. That I could endure all the pain and obstacles it took just to reach her heart again, but now… now I wasn’t so sure. Now I was the one hurting. Now I was the one feeling numb and broken. Now I was the one unsure if we should be together or not.
“I called your brother. I told him that you needed him and he needed to make a way. He said he’ll be here.”
“Did you know?” I asked her not caring about anything else she was saying. “Did you know about her and Ryan?”
“The only thing I’ve kept from you is the fact of her pitiful excuse for an ex. I had no clue she could stoop so low, but I can tell you this. About a week after the two of you broke up Jace and Ryan would come over. The excuse was they wanted to see if she was taking things as hard as you were. She would refuse to talk to them and then they’d leave, but Ryan always came back. He said that you would kill him if he hadn’t made sure that she was okay until you could again. The two of them started getting close I assumed. I would overhear her asking questions about you. He always told her about the one night stands you were having. He said she demanded to know and he didn’t want to lie to her. It during those few weeks that it had to have happened Jackson. He tricked her. He made her think you’d just moved on and forgot about her. He made her think she was nothing to do. She wanted to get even. She wanted you to hurt too.” she sighed and although she had a point, I was still pissed.
I remembered the time she was talking about. He never told me he was visiting her with Jace. he acted as if he didn’t even know what happened between us. It’s part of the reason I got arrested for kicking his ass. I knew he was lying when it got around that they had sex. I knew he was lying when he said that she’d seduced him. It was then that I realized he wasn’t the type of person I needed around me. After I calmed down I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and we were working on being better friends, but now I could kill him. Now I was willing to go to jail just for a moment alone with him.
“How do I get past this Lav? How do we get past everything?”
“Think of it as a fresh start now that everything is out. If she is the person that you really want to be with then try. Remember you aren’t perfect either and although it wasn’t intention it still seemed like you played with her feelings for years. You even made her the other girl once or twice. Yeah what she did was low and will hurt, but you’ve done just as much. You just need to decide if it’s worth working it out.”
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t ashamed about the things we’d done to each other, but Lavender was right. I wasn’t ready to just give up on her… on us. I’d worked to hard just to get to this point. Gathering up the last weak ounce of my courage and dignity, ignoring my blistering knuckles and pain in my hand, I headed towards her room. I didn’t bother to knock as I walked in. She was still crying. The sound of her so broken weakened my already weak state more.
“Dessa.” I whispered praying that she would still hear me. Her head snapped in my direction. Not even a second later she was in my arms soaking my shirt with her tears once more as we slid to the floor and just cried. I don’t remember the last time we cried like this together, but this time definitely felt different.
I no longer knew if it was a good different or not.