We had been sitting here in silence, both of us sniffling here and there. I had no idea how much time had passed, but my room was pitch black. My blinds were closed and so were the black curtains that decorated them. No longer was light peaking through the cracks. It may not have been very late, but it was at least mid-dawn. That didn’t matter.
The time of day would never matter.
All that mattered was that he was still here. He was still holding me. He was still my comfort. He was still comforting me. He was still my Jackson. He still cared for me. He still wanted me and he knew that no matter what, he would always be that one for me. He would always be the only one to make me lose my mind with an insane amount of lust. He would always be the one to make me angrier than I’ve ever been before. He would always be the one I could come cry to. He would always be the one I could pour my heart out too. He would always be the one thing I could describe with words, and that mystery I would never decipher.
He would always be the one and I hoped he knew.
I hoped he knew just how much I really cared about him. I hoped he knew I could never do something like what I had done without a good enough reason. I just wanted to hurt him like I was hurting. He was out having fun, having sex with any bitch that approached him and I was in be crying because I thought he cheated. I thought he was over me. I thought he was over me. I thought it was it for us. I thought I would never see him again. I thought so many things, but I never took the time to just listen or ask.
I failed him.
I failed us.
I failed our relationship.
I didn’t trust him.
I didn’t believe him.
I didn’t believe in us.
I didn’t believe in what we could be.
I was scared.
I ruined everything.
“How do we get past this Dessa?” he asked, his voice breaking me out of my trance. I could hear all the hurt in his tone making me believe my own words that much more. He deserved so much more than me and I deserved so much more than him, but here we were.
“The same way we get past everything else.” I stated bluntly.
“Never talk about it, spend months apart just to come back together, argue and fuck crazy like rabbits.” He spat each word coated in a thick layer of venom. For a second I stared at him, admittedly turned on, and watched the fire in his eyes.
“Or we could realize that we both made mistakes. That although you may have done more, what I did has us tied. We realize that throwing gut punches at each other no longer gets us anywhere. We use this opportunity, one we have never had before, to start fresh. To do things right. We understand that it all will be at the back of our minds always, but we try for the sake of sanity to push forward. That doesn’t mean that everything is magically erased because it’s not. It’s there and it will burn like hell to resurface and ruin whatever we manage to build. Right now we test the waters and see just how far we can swim. We learn if we are strong enough to stay afloat when the waters are rough and too deep to just walk away from. We learn the true strength of our character and our feelings. Jackson I never wanted to lose you, I was scared of loving you. I was scared of how deep you loved me. Ryan told me everything I feared and it was so easy to believe him because I was insecure in myself and insecure in the reasons why you loved me so much. I didn’t think that I deserved to be loved and I ruined the both of us because of it. I understand if this is when you stop swimming. I understand more than I can ever describe to you. I love you, but I-”
I was cut off as he did the last thing I expected him to do. He placed his hand under my chin and kissed me so deeply I was breathless. My heart leaped for joy. I definitely underestimated the love he has for me, but never again.
“Good-bye Iridessa.” he said after breaking away. I watched stunned as he stood and left my room.
It was over and I was the one to blame.
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