I sat there studden from my outburst as we sat in front of my house. I had calmed down a while ago as he started driving again. I was shocked that I had told him everything…
...and I do mean everything.
I was so shocked it took me a minute before I even realized that we had made it here. I knew he wanted to say so much more than what he was thinking, but even that wasn’t a line he would cross. At least I hoped he wouldn’t.
We were both quiet and I was basically terrified to look at myself in the mirror. If I looked bad at first, I looked beyond horrible now and there was nothing I could do to change it. As much as I wanted to say something, I couldn’t. My tongue felt as heavy as lead in my mouth. Instead I got out of the car wrapping his coat tighter around me, loving how it enveloped my curvy but small frame.
I didn’t need his pity and I no longer wanted his company. All I needed was for him to open the trunk so that I could get my things and pretend the past ten minutes never happen. It wasn’t worth it. It never was. I groaned realizing that I had been unintentionally sniffing his jacket. As much as he pissed me off, and I hated to admit it, he was still a sort of comfort zone for me. Another wave of emotions washed over me as fresh tears stung at my eyes.
I cried into my arms as I leaned on the trunk for support, my legs feeling weak beneath me. Tonight was just not a good night for me. I could hear as his door opened and closed before I felt his presence on the side of me. I couldn’t bring myself to look up at him, I hated that he’d seen me cry. I’d promise myself I wouldn’t let him see me that broken again no matter what. I cried harder knowing that I couldn’t even keep a promise to myself.
I was even more pathetic than I thought.
I could feel as he placed his hand on my back softly and gently began moving it in a soothing pattern trying to calm me. Even while being a blubbering mess, I couldn’t deny the feel of the white hot iron of burning passion between us. It was sickening how much a hold someone could have on you just by doing the littlest things.
“It’s like I tried to tell you before Iris, he ain’t shit just like I wasn’t shit.” he sighed before forcing me off of the car and pulling me into a hug. The wind blew around us harshly. Coming at us like whips. The snow was almost as high as my boots that went to my knees, but it didn’t seem like either of us cared as we stood there hugging. His arms were bare as they encased me surrounding me in all that was him. I didn’t have the energy to fight it. I allowed myself a moment to get comfortable in his arms, to commemorate to memory how it felt to be like this again; something that I once knew well. I smiled grateful that he was actually trying to make me feel better right now and being somewhat civil. Maybe he was more different now than I thought.
“Last time we talked Jackson, you said that you still weren’t shit.” I joked, trying to lighten the mood as he we both laughed.
“Well, I was a lot younger and definitely dumber back then. I’m older now and a whole lot smarter.” he bragged in his usual cocky tone that was quickly coming back.
“That changes anything how?” I asked starting to get defensive again as my walls started to rebuild. Deep in my heart, I felt like I knew he was taking jabs at my relationships that didn’t include him. I remember clearly the unspoken things with hidden meanings on top of the ups and downs of these conversations. They always ended the same…
...with me doing something stupid and feeling stupid afterwards.
“It changes everything Iris. I know what I want now. I won’t be stupid enough to let it go again. Not this time.” I said nothing, unsure of what I could, not trusting my own voice. I’ve heard all of this from him before. I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel some type of way, like it wasn’t warming me on the inside, but I also didn’t have to tell him that. Stepping away from his embrace both of our arms dropped back to our sides as I put some much needed distance between us.
“Um...don’t you have to get back to work?” I asked trying to keep my mind focused on the right things and not on what my body wanted. I wasn’t even sure I could call what I was feeling desire anymore. This was full blown lust and if this cold whips of the wind couldn’t calm me, maybe some distance will.
“No Iris. You were my last pick up for the night. You can’t tell me that doesn’t mean something and you know what I mean.” I did. His tone was filled with unsaid words, but I couldn’t let myself fall back into the trap. He was right, it did mean something that he was unintentionally there for me even when he didn’t know what was going on. “Look at me.” he demanded as I shook my head no. This was becoming too much. The lust I could deal with, but I didn’t want him breaking down my walls when he had no intention of taking care of my heart. I found myself facing the trunk, but I could still see him out of peripheral. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore, I just wanted to get my things, get in bed and pretend like this night never happened. “Iridessa.” he pleaded.
I turned back towards him shocked from the amount of unconcealed vulnerability in his voice. We getting too close. Way to close for comfort. Less than an inch now separated us. I had been right, he was taller now. In this position all I had to do was look up as he leaned down and we’d be kissing. The thought of our lips being only inches apart had me staring at his. He opened and closed his mouth wanting to say something, but kept changing his mind last minute. Just as I opened my mouth to say something I heard him say ‘fuck it’ before I was in his arms again. My body was pressed tightly to his as his lips pressed gently against mine.
I wasted no time responding to the kiss as I allowed myself to melt into his touch before wrapping my arms around his neck. Desire ran through my veins faster than my mind could catch up. It was clear my mind was no longer contesting this. I was in a fog and if it lasted any longer, I was definitely going to end up doing something stupid tonight. What that stupid act was? I wasn’t sure anymore.