What I reveal to everyone I meet in my life, is that I will always surprise them, no matter how long they’ve known me or how much they think they know me, they will be persistently dazed with my views and ways of life.
My eyes start to fixate on the mirror on the wall inside my bedroom. I stare back at myself laying in bed. "What a life I've chosen for myself, isn't it?" I think to myself. I stand up, stare at the rolling tray on my bedside table and smile cheek to cheek. I pour it out and make my lines, something I feel I have mastered. I bend down into the powder and inhale through my nostrils. My nose gets that tingly burning sensation I've learned to enjoy and savor so much, because when it comes down to it that is a feeling I will favor crave. Twenty minutes or so pass and I walk to the mirror and stare at my eyes, my pupils. "This is weird, what the hell?"
I thought to myself, my eyes were more dilated then ever. Things like this don't scare me, I push limits. I rule my life authority serves no discipline to me. My phone starts ringing and I answer it. My best friend, Benny. "Jordan dude you trying to go to this function with me bro?" My mind is fogging. My legs are wobbling. I can't breathe. My lungs are getting tight. The only words I can even process and slip out of my mouth are "Yeah dude, let me call you back." And just collapse onto the floor, my vision is foggy, my chest is heavy.
I feel like my heart is beating over 20 times faster then what is considered ordinarily. My mind is continuously slipping in and out of consciousness. This is so scaringly overwhelming. I feel myself slipping into a deep sleep, like I have been doing meditation for 2 weeks. I wake up to Benny holding my head to the side. "Dude yo! What the fuck! You got me scared!" My head is pounding with the biggest fucking headache I have ever had. I look to my side and the most biggest puddle of vomit is directly in front of my face. I try to get up , but my legs are far too weak. I can't even ball my hands. "My phone"
I murmured to Benny. "You almost fucking died and you want your phone? Jordan what has gotten into you? I know you have your problems as much as even I do, but you're fucking pushing it. " I laugh so effortlessly at what he says because he does so far worse then I, he smokes crystals! But I am the problem because I pushed it? I can't stand this disrespect coming from someone so close to me. "You expect me to feel comfort? You do and have done so far worse then I ever have but , something has gotten into me? What about the times you've stayed up for days and had to come to me because you couldn't have your family finding out? What about the time the cops raided your house because you were stupid enough to get snitched on and I flushed all your meth down the toilet? And what about the time your girlfriend found YOUR DRUGS and I said they were mine ?! What about that Benny?"
He stares at me with anger and despair and tells me, "Take a look at your life Jordan." And walks out of my apartment. I think to myself fuck I can't even get up. I see my phone under my bed as I try and look around my room as much as I can from the floor. I reach for it as hard as I can, one of my fingers reaches it, I know the drill with overdosing, not even from personal experience but being surronded by careless people that constantly go through overdoses. I just have to call one of my friends and have them clean up for me before I call a ambulance.
Did I mention my parents are filthy rich and will take care of any bills I have but refuse to give me any actual cash. There's where my struggle comes in. Cocaine isn't cheap, you know? I called the one person other then Benny that I trust with everything, Jade. I can barely press her name on my contacts list, but I manage. It takes me three calls to get through to her. "Hello? Jordan I'm in a meeting what happened?" Fuck. What do I do. "I think I just overdosed Jade." I can't believe those words just came out my goddamn mouth. "Oh my god, I'm on my way." I can't imagine the amount of trouble I have put this woman through, she's literally my sister.
Over twenty minutes pass, I'm feeling worse by the minute and I hear knocking on my door , I try to stand up and barely manage to pick up myself, and practically throw myself down my hallway to the living room. I feel something coming down my throat. Oh shit. Vomit comes sliding down my throat onto the carpet of my living room. Fuck that's gonna take work to get out are my only thoughts. I can no longer hold myself up I feel so weak like fucking gumby. I just sit leaning against the wall, vomit surrounding me, I just yell, "I think it's open" and to my surprise it actually is.
Deep now I start to realize that Benny is actually pissed. It didn't cross my mind he would have actually done that, left me alone overdosed, with my front door unlocked. She opens it and sees me, she immediately puts her hands to her mouth in shock, I don't think she's ever seen me this bad. "Oh my god Jordan" she says in complete horror. I firmly tell her, "Please Jade, just get my shit out of here." I can tell just from the look in her eyes that she doesn't want to just do that. But from just looking at me she does what I've instructed.
She cleans up everything in a rush, because I explain I'm feeling worse by the minute. "Go, I'm okay I'll call an ambulance, I can't have you getting in trouble for anything I made you do." She's hesitant, but walks out saying, "I love you Jordan." I call paramedics which is one of the most annoying things to do honestly. "Fuck" I say into the phone accidentally, "Excuse me ? Sir ?" I hang up on the dispatcher, they already know where to find me. My brain feels like it's melting, I feel so suddenly unsure about everything, and confusion fills my mind. Oh my god what is happening to me.