He always asked me to write. He loved to read my words. He read in between the lines always gauging for my love for him in those poor words. Perhaps he just wanted to wander in my mind and get lost exactly where I was totally vulnerable and devoted to him. He would never go to the land of the darkness and pain. He loathed my pain. He hated my tears and my grief. In a little time that we spent together, he lost the courage to stand my sorrow. But this pain, it is an old companion. A companion I never recognized before and never gave it its true place. It stood by me when I was alone and when I was around him. It has refused to flee. It just doesn’t want to leave me side.
They say that true lovers leave you for good for your happiness even if it pains them. I’m not such a lover myself and don’t want anyone like that. Then why have I always hated something that never left me alone, something that has been a part of me. My husband always tried to mirror his pain with my pain and his joys with mine. I failed him. I didn’t give him the joy he deserved. Because my existence has always been captivated by an unperceived companion. It won’t let me free and it won’t leave for good, bad or worse. All these years of mourning for my loved ones has changed me. The innocent girl crying for her mother isn’t in me anymore. I have been embraced by the pain of loss, the pain of love, the pain of loneliness and nothing but pain of some kind. I always sought for a constant in my life and easily ignored the one that had always existed, my pain. Something that no one could reciprocate or even read. Something that belongs to me and only me. Something that refuses to be shared and lies solely with me. Because its mine and has always been. And it’ll stay mine without a doubt.
Today, I seek refuge in it…
And the Countess put the pen down and edged towards the door at the sound of a despairing knock on the old teak door of the palace basement. The sound of her feet was the only sound in the large room coupled with her noisy racing heart. She opened the creaking door slowly to find her maid Dahlia standing in front of her with tears welling up in her hopeless eyes.
“The announcements are made Madame, the Count is marrying his mistress tomorrow” and Dahlia choked on her words falling on the ground with grief, “I’m so sorry Madame, I’m so sorry….” and her trailing words transformed into a deep sigh. The Countess lifted her on her feet and spoke in her honey laced voice with a confidence that she had never worn before, “its okay Dahlia, don’t grieve for me. I just found a lover that will never leave me or betray me and just stay by my side without asking for anything.”