It was a black night, and the rain was falling like deadly yet enchanting crystals onto the soft earth beneath. Some would say that it's the tears of God's angels cleansing our world; others would say it's the worries, the pain, the anguish released when you can no longer bear it.
I was sat on a bed in my green summer dress, muddy, ripped and stuck wet to my skin. It was approaching midnight. There was a distinct chill in the air as I reached forward to grab the duvet and wrap it round my vulnerable body. The rain in still continued to pour in torrents outside. I didn't hear the continuous tapping on the roof, nor the howl of the wind outside. It was already in my head.
The trees were swaying in all directions through the huge, transparent glass of the windows around me, the room open to the night with wooden floorboards and furniture decorating the loneliness of the dark room. There were no lights.
I got up from the bed and made my way to the nearby wardrobe. When I opened the doors, I was met with emptiness. The bright clothes I had once owned were no longer there.
Looking to the tall glass panes of the room, I wandered over to see the moon shining through the trees. As I watched the remaining raindrops slide down the clear glass, I felt a strange pricking in the backs of my eyes. I could see in my reflection tears escaping my eyes and flow down my cheeks. Yet I couldn't feel them, even as they dripped off my chin.
My shadow began to change to someone I didn't recognise. A girl, her face blooming with colour in her cheeks, hair that shone in bountiful waves and eyes that were the colour of an bountiful open field. I shut my eyes.
And when I opened them again, the screech of car brakes filled my ears. I was then blinded by white lights as a shower of broken glass sent me flying backwards into nothing…
Remember when we used to watch the sky? We would always take walks down our special place: the sun would be shining and there was barely a cloud in the sky. The raindrops from the previous night fall would be clinging to an individual grass stalk - glittering like the rainbow as the sun shone through them. But that never seemed to bother us! We loved it - the blue light of the sky as it floated above us. We would count the birds…make out shapes in the clouds…we even made up our own fantasies of living up there, as if all reality never existed. We both had dreams, you and I. We were going to fly one day - we were going to be free…but now….that's all changed…
Those words keep replaying over and over again in my head: my own voice. I remember sitting next to him that night, almost begging him to tell me why everything had changed – why he had changed. But I had been blind up until then. Whilst everything and everyone else had moved on, I was stuck in my world.
Like with all things in life, I realised after, the truth is never clear until everything you have ever known shatters, and all that's left is what is.
I watched the woman in front of me, not even bothering to read her name badge as she jotted down numerous amounts of details onto a small white paper pad. Occasionally she looked up at me, as if I would try to make a grand escape while she was busy trying to psychoanalyze me. I was too tired and miserable to even consider getting up to get a glass of water – how beautifully ironic. And it was a bit late anyway to try hiding from it all. I'd done as much running as I could manage.
"How have you been these past few days, Jess?" The woman suddenly spoke, her voice so quiet that it irritated me. I half wanted to reply that tripping around people as though they were a ticking time-bomb rarely awarded the 'I'm fine' card. So I remained silent and turned my head to look out of the kitchen window.
"Would you like to talk about anything?"
I could see her leaning to one side out of the corner of my eye, trying to make eye contact with me. Unfortunately for her, some books stay closed for a reason. At this stage, it was tempting to scrounge the house for a pin so I could pop the vein that was now giving me an ache in my temple.
The woman sighed gently after a couple of minutes, shuffling back and leaning down to pick her bag up off the floor. I could hear her scrabbling around for something before she walked towards me and stood waiting for me to acknowledge her. I turned my head to see her holding out a small card with her contact details printed on it.
"I know it's hard, Jess and believe me, your family and I want to help you as much as we can. So if you want to talk about anything, please give me a ring." She said, smiling nervously at me when I looked her in the eye and didn't return the gesture.
"Don't bother." I stated. I didn't realise I even said it for a second. But whether I had or not, I couldn't have cared less. I wanted out and it took every ounce of self-control to not wrench the stupid piece of paper from the woman's quivering hand and rip it to shreds in front of her. There was no one I wanted 'help' from, especially her.
When I was satisfied that the woman had understood what I said and finally moved out of my way, I got up from my chair and stomped up the stairs to my bedroom. While I was in there, I looked back at the closed door and thought it was about time I got a lock for it.
Open doors never made me comfortable anyway.