Over the course of several years at the end of a long road of drug abuse, I started to see my life and its direction. I didn’t know why at the time, but I knew I had so much more to give the world than my excuses and lies all just to score a high that I couldn’t maintain anymore. I believe that I held onto the drugs for so long because they were the only consistent thing in my life, so I could not abandon that. I felt that drugs were the only thing that was always there for me no matter what. My problems I was facing that were holding me back all centered around this concept. I was always very passionate about anything that I showed interest in and that can be challenging when you are ‘committed’ to something that’s harming you. Quite frequently my passion for things and people would run it’s coarse and I do one or two things: Leave fast with intentions of never looking back or leave emotionally but physically stay.
After being adopted at five years old, I was raised an only child. My biological mother was only seventeen when I was born and she was in and out of foster homes and struggled with addiction problems. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree when I say that her mother gave her to the state because of her drinking problem and her career as a call girl. I got separated from my biological mother every time she would get kicked out of a foster home because of her behavior. She claimed to not know who my father was just like her mother claimed the same for her. The only male figure I knew was the occasional man from a foster home that would abuse me or my mother so I sought after that missing role in men later in my life. I felt the need to please people and make sure they liked me because if they didn’t I thought I would be abused or traded in. I had no time to form any kind of relationship or bond with anyone, so my creativity began to develop a strong imagination full of friends and make believe places that were safe.
Abandonment ….. Later on in this book I have a chapter on this subject which is entitled “Abandonment never leaves me.” The focus is centered on abandonment being a devil in sheep’s clothing as it only destroys people’s lives yet it’s effects never leave anyone. For many years I blamed abandonment for robbing me of security in love, trust and faith in the people. For depleting my self image so my ability to pursue goals and things I wanted to do did not happen. Maybe there was a reason it never left me that I did not know about then. My choice to self medicate was part of the cry for help that I put out there while looking as though I was on top of the world.
My life was anything but typical, I didn’t slave over making someone else rich climbing the corporate ladder for a company in which I am just a number. I didn’t upgrade every five years to the next home because the size of my bank account and family out grew itself, I did not experience the miracle of giving new life and growing old with a family that looked to me as the head. I never got to go to soccer games, parent teacher night to hear how much smarter my kid was than me. It robbed me of being a parent, a husband, a Christmas bonus making, white picket fence, shiny black car kind of person. All those things sound nice, but I have to remember my food for thought “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.”
Just our existence is a great plan meant to do incredible things. I remember my parents telling me that God hears every word you say, I believed everything my parents told me because I trusted them. Life is a journey to find out the things that we have passion for that give us purpose. We are multi dimensional, not one of us are the same, and God planned it that way so our journeys would differ to help one another. So, it was a long time before I accepted that you don’t have to be just a certain way to have a relationship with God, or get to heaven. If we are all different then we all have different ways to live our lifestyle that is right for us. Those that have kids know that your relationship with each one differs. The truth is, you LOVE them equally. Yes, you may be closer to one than the other, but you accept that they are different. The point is, those with sons and daughters that are estranged or have no relationship with, you still love them. No matter what they do or what they have done could you send your child to suffer for all eternity?
Coming from a Christian home, I was killing myself over the fact of being a homosexual. When I realized that God designed me to make choices for myself knowing that I won‘t always make the right ones, I realized that I would be a hypocrite to not be who I am and the people that lead me to believe I had to be a certain other way were the ones that God won’t recognize. How is being gay going to stop me from having a relationship with God? Why would God stop loving me? Do you have to be a heterosexual to have God in your heart, to succeed, to live the word of God, to get to heaven? I was taught to never question anything about the Bible or never ask why. You just believed because if you didn’t there was hell to pay, (literally) and right there is your answer. I love my parents with all my heart and they did give me the best foundation to live by and gave me more than I deserved . They were ‘God-fearing’ Christians who LITERALLY feared God and believed that if you made one mistake or forgot to repent, your name would be erased from the book that held all the names of everyone getting into heaven. Can you imagine how much erasing He is doing everyday if that were true?
All my life I struggled with anxiety, abandonment issues, depression, addiction, poor self image, laziness, people pleasing, lies, sex, and the list goes on. Sound familiar? This happens to be the world and before I realized that everyone has the same problems, I singled myself out. I was taught that only sick and criminally minded people had these deep dark habits. I heard the saying “nothing good can come from evil,” growing up and that is so NOT true. One of the most incredible life lessons I have learned is out of tragedy comes a miracle; though most of us never see what this is because we are all too caught up by feeling sorry for ourselves. As a child going through tragedy, I didn’t know that what was happening would affect me throughout my life. It is very easy to think that when it’s over it’s simply over. One of the most profound things I recently found out about myself is a condition that I never knew existed. It is so profound that it filled in all the gaps, all the questions and made sense of all my shortcomings. Until I was about 40 years old I did not understand what the root of all my problems was. This discovery started my healing process which continues today. My biggest problem was my self image, self confidence, the trust and belief I had in me. Sure, I put on a great show for others, even for myself, but every choice I made, to the people I let in my life, the chemicals I put in my body, the opportunities I gave up because I did not try, the people, places and events I put off, all because I didn’t think I could do it. I was afraid of failure. I was brought up in a Christian home like I said earlier, my adopted parents did everything and more to develop my confidence in myself, however it takes more than just telling someone and devoting yourself to that person. It is a very simple rule that most people overlook. You can not give something away that you do not have. Meaning for me was my parents could not give me that self image that was strong and confident when they lacked it as well. They did love me with all their heart, but as I look back on what they shared with me about their lives, apart from their awesome relationship with God, they pretty much ran from, searched for, and never really knew what their purpose was until they found each other and their religion. My mother, who was my best friend, who I look at was one of the most intellectually strong, loving people I have ever met. She touched the hearts of everyone she ever met, but deep down she never believed in herself. She shared with me a lot of her life and she did the same thing I was doing. Same for my Dad, only he would say nothing bothered him and he did not emotionally show pain, but we all know it has to go somewhere which is not healthy at all! Men tend to do that which is probably why he died way before my mom. They wanted everything for me, to be successful, to be happy and be close to God. Which is not a bad thing, however I was limited to only so much I could do because of their beliefs.
Dreaming means your curiosity is alive and craving to know more while your heart is telling you there is so much more to experience in your existence. Dreaming is your ability to see things in a way that subconsciously we find our answers whether we are awake or asleep. This book celebrates truth and being set free to live your dreams while understanding that even the darkest times have a purpose for light to shine beautifully through you.
In this book I want to share my journey through Maladaptive daydreaming. This condition is not yet recognized as a disorder in mental health as I would say that for me it is more of a blessing then a disorder. Almost everyone in the world has a bit of Maladaptive daydreaming. If you have ever pretended anything or escaped to a place to have an adventure that is daydreaming. Then there are those that take the next level and stay there in their heads because the fear from where they came from makes them not want to return home. Having a dream and believing that happiness is achievable is not found anywhere but in you and that is what my journey was all about. I had to travel many miles within myself to find my purpose and value; I had to find my home. This disorder is caused by trauma, self doubt, poor self image, a creative mind, a very intelligent mind, a loving spirit, and a firm believer in the all the things that are loved and cherished. I want to take you into my world when I was a child, all the adventures from which I learned how to live and love. I want to show you how the law of attraction and maladaptive daydreaming are basically rubbing elbows together and show you how powerful the creative mind can be.
Let's go dancing in Paris with our best friends from our favorite television show, let's be whatever we want in our career, and be in control of how we feel and present ourselves to other people. Lets go to that place where conflict arises but confidence overrides the fear because we know we have that assurance of success because we write the script. Loved ones are on our side, they love as we love and understanding and compassion are still a lesson to learn by mistakes but that’s what keeps us firmly secure with all our relations. There is no fear of the unknown because we write the storey, we edit the storey, and if we don’t like a segment we can redo it over and over until we can feel in our blood that it is well with us and everyone involved. Let me introduce you to a place where you can press pause, stop, play, fast forward, rewind, at any time. A place where you can communicate so clearly without even saying a word. Music plays all the time and is the very inspiring foundation behind everything we do. Our lives would have a soundtrack album and every song would bring you back to that specific time or place as the emotions of it would be just as much alive then as it ever was and forever. The feeling of home and being content and reuniting with ideas, people, places, like you never left in the first place. Let me share this addiction that is as innocent as playing house but falling down this fantasy portal has its easy ways of getting you lost. Your mind is an endless universe of ideas and worlds that can lead you further and further away from reality. Nobody ever taught you when you were a child how to come back to reality from make believe, as I feel that for me that was the hard part that everyone else seemed to just do. I never wanted to come back and found myself staying often.
What I am about to share is all true and it has never been told to anyone, but I am just astonished as I wrote this it laid itself out so clearly the truth behind all of my dreams. Making sense of anything requires mapping out every detail and seeing how these details work together. Life doesn’t start or stop with creation or death, we were a dream before birth and a legend after death and both are stronger than life.