Counting the stars

The memory of the cold wind hitting my face over and over again, as my footsteps get quicker and heavier. The shoes banging on the pavement behind me is getting closer. I hurried and forced the old gate open,slowing me down for just a second before my momentum picked up. Molly was quick after. The rubber under our feet slaps us, as we run across the playground. I hopped on the swing giggling, chanting, “I told you I was faster, I told you I would beat you to the swing.” Molly smiles at her friend and replies, “Well, only cause I let you win.” “You wish,” I was quick to say. The two of us laughed louder than ever, our voices echoed in the sky. We stayed there all night.“ How many stars do you think are up there? She said looking up at the night sky. “I don’t know,” I say. Should I count them? What. Why? That’s such a waste of your time. No, it’s a waste of OUR time, come on count with me. No. No? Yeah, no. Okay suit your self.” so she started counting. Now as I sit on the same swing, the only thing I hear is the creaking of the chain, and the deafening sound of silence.

The eery silence sweeps through the trees and washes the golden leaves from their home, and on to a bed of brown. I walk down the lonely sidewalk, reflecting on what I could have done better. Would the outcome have changed if I was a few seconds faster, would Molly be standing next to me right now if I was as quick as that day in the park? I saw him in the window lurking, I should have known he did not belong.

The sound of the gun still chills my spine, the boom of the bullets still ring in my ears, the screaming of the students still haunts my dreams. It’s only been a week, but time seems to move slowly without your best friend.

I had never seen Molly so still. Even when she took those pills to calm her down, nothing can keep her from bouncing off the walls. Now I’m all alone, by myself, without her, for the first time since we were five. I don’t like the feeling of not walking to her house and seeing her blinding smile. I don’t like knowing that I can’t call her, just to speak.

But why? Why do I have to be alone because some guy was mad? It wasn’t my fault, It wasn’t Molly’s fault. It wasn’t James’ or Charlie’s or Kim’s or not even Mean Miles’ fault. So why are they gone, and the rest of us are left here to suffer from their absence.

I glide slowly through the grass, the sun is now just hitting its peak, but it still seems like a cloudy day. Everything feels different as I walk by, the pond that was used to skip rocks, is now just water sitting in the middle of the field, with no purpose. The meadow we use to play in is now just endless rows of grass, being bullied by a gentle breeze.

My polished black heals sink into the soft dirt, as my black knee-high dress flows through the wind. My hair usually tamed, lets out its wild side, because how can I be tamed on a day like this. How can I ever be happy on a day like this?

I stop in my steps. I look at the big, rusted, iron fence up and down, as if it supposed to part way like the red sea. I push the heavy gate open and walk passed each gravestone with my head swung low. Everybody has left. I drag my feet towards the gravestone, forcing myself to face the truth. I go for the one with the white roses on it. The funeral workers are sealing Charlie and Miles into the hole they are summoned to, before their time.

With tears streaming down my face, I look at all five graves in front of me. The people I once laughed with and the people I know cry for, gone. Never to walk into the building where they took their last breath, and never to stroll down the halls where they ran to survive.

I sit on the mound of dirt that entrapped my friend and I place my hands on the ice cold stone. Tears flow down my face, and at the moment I have never felt more alone. “It didn’t have to be you,” I cried. “ It didn’t have to be any of you. You guys were just the unlucky souls that God choose to take out of this world, and send to the next,” I say with a smile but tears still streaming down my face. It was like my once shining soul has been draped over by a vail, that refuses to let the light out. I couldn’t breathe, my throat was blocked by all the pain I’m trying to hold back, but I couldn’t fight off the sorrow crawling from my throat trying to escape from inside.

I looked at the area where I sit, “ Hi Molly,” I say no longer holding back. “ lets talk just like old times.” I sit in the same place and talked for hours, even though she never spoke back. Still, it was like she was there right next to me, just listening.

It was pitch black, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave her, not again. I look at the stars, then I hear her voice in my head asking once again, “ How many stars do you think are up there.” It’s so dumb, why does she even care? I refuse to participate in a meaningless task. I look at the stone, and smile, lay my head down peacefully, took a deep breath and sighed.

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