October 14, 201X
I had a hard time getting out of bed today diary,
Because I was up late last night I woke up a bit early today. The faded light filtering through the clouds and through my window. Making everything seem a bit brighter even though the day was cloudy. My bloodstained clothes were still on the floor next to my laundry hamper and I really hope that no one comes in and sees them because I would have a lot of explaining to do if anyone saw them. Actually I meant to ask Charlie what’s the best way to deal with those clothes but unfortunately I didn’t get a chance to call her today.
Before I left my room I pulled on my long black skirt that it took me one month to embroider with a silver cloud pattern, black shirt, and fishnet sleeves. I even managed to swipe on some of my black lipstick. And where was I going dressed up so nicely, why the library of course! Just to read you know, casual Saturday stuff. (But I hoped that Isabel would be working) When I got back from the woods the party was still going on and Nathan was doing nothing to control his people. So I wasn’t surprised when I left my room and the mess started on the stairs and got worse as I went down. There were more cans of soda on the stairs than beer bottles but there were still quite a few of both.
When I did get downstairs though it was even worse. Some of my lovely prepared mozzarella sticks were smeared all over the walls and stomped into the carpet. Even some of the brownies were just smashed onto the floor and the scene was just so wasteful that I contemplated eating some of the food off of the floor.
Nathan actually started being smart when I got to the living room, though. There were plastic sheets covering the couches and quite a few splotches of cheese dip and salsa on it. I laughed when I saw it because I didn’t know Nathan was that self aware. No amount of good will or favoritism would prevent Derrick from being mad at him for staining the couches, so I guess Nathan isn’t totally buying into his own act.
It was also in the living room that I saw the people that never left for the night. A few people, I didn’t really know them, were sleeping on one of the couches with only a few spills. And even more of them were just sleeping with their jackets as pillows on the floor. Since I didn’t want to wake them I stifled my laugh and left the room.
Since I was planning on hanging out in the library today I went upstairs and got my bag before heading downstairs again. But not before I stuffed my embroidery, a portable charger, and a snack inside of it. I didn’t know how long I wanted to stay there so I thought I might as well prepare as much as I could.
But like a thorn in my side that just kept getting stuck Nathan blocked me from getting to the door. It was like he came out of nowhere, but I think he came from the kitchen because I could smell sausages in the microwave. Honestly I didn’t know that Nathan could cook. He grabbed my wrist and physically stopped me from leaving, “Come on you have to help me clean. Remember?”
To be honest, diary, I hadn’t remembered. I had cooked all those snacks and put the fricking beer on ice all for most of it to end up on the floor. And even though I wasn’t planning on being rebellious today when the opportunity presented itself I couldn’t say no.
His hand had clamped onto my wrist so I shook him off and smiled. In my head I was trying to emulate one of his classic smirks but I’m pretty sure I came off as more genuine than he ever did because before I started talking he relaxed.
“I wasn’t even invited to this party, Nathan,” I gestured to the living room, “Why don’t you ask one of your friends to help you, I think they’re sleeping in the living room.”
He rolled his eyes and I know he thought I was bluffing, “Come on Naomi there’s no I in team. You have to help me out.”
Instead of answering I just went out the door and left. Nathan’s cries for me to come back ignored. Because what was it that Evelyn said last night? Living only for yourself and Satan. And if Satan says I don’t have to scrape mozzarella sticks off of the carpet then who am I to disagree.
To be honest I don’t think I’ve enjoyed an early morning bike ride more. The clouds were more white than grey so a lot of light managed to get past them and I knew it wouldn’t rain today. Even the leaves, which were rapidly browning on and off the trees, seemed pleasant instead of ugly. And I took my time to ride over as many of them as possible, for the crunch you know diary? But the closer I got to the library the more anxious I became. The last time I was there I got the blood-stained card and it seems like everything has changed since then. Even though I now know it wasn’t a prank I still felt really anxious at the thought of maybe seeing Isabel. What if it wasn’t her that left the card? What if she hadn’t wanted me to find the card? What if everything is an elaborate prank?
I looked up at the sky and sighed, trying to calm myself down. Everything would be okay, I would hang out at the library for the morning and I would have a good time. I was wearing a cute outfit, I had put on some black lipstick. What could go wrong?
Once I got to the library I was actually walking with a bit of a spring in my step for once. Mrs. Jones greeted me when I walked in and I made a beeline towards the young adult section. With its Percy Jackson decorations and RADICAL wall ornaments it is a bit tacky but the selection is pretty good. Not as good as some of the libraries in Olympia but…. Nevermind actually. Even though I only “read” audiobooks I like looking at some of the physical copies before I download one. Because what’s the point of even going to the library if I don’t look at some books first.
Today I read the synopsis from one about a country where geometric drawings come to life, where two hitman brothers ride across the wild west, a mermaid living in underwater caves in Norway. Pretty good books but nothing that really screamed at me. I ended up downloading the one where the princess in the tower learns magic and rides dragons
I didn’t make the mistakes of the past today. Before I even sat down I swept the building with my eyes and judging by the books scattered across the children’s section and the fact that Isabel was bouncing around trying to keep up with the work they didn’t have people to spare today. And that meant there were no volunteers. Sinking into the warm leather armchair knowing that I would be safe is really the most relaxing experience that I can think of.
I got through about twenty minutes of my audiobook (the princess being banished, the dragon being captured) before someone tapped me on the shoulder. Since it was from behind at first I thought it was one of the populars and almost jumped out of my skin. But I needed to be brave so I turned around and let out a sigh of relief.
“Naomi can you help me find a book?” Jessy asked me.
There was no way the seven year old brownie scout was there on her own so I looked around and there in one of the seats near the entrance was her tired looking mother. Normally little kids would have asked one of the volunteers to help with finding something but I didn’t mind helping her, girl scouts need to stick together right? As we walked to the children’s section her mom must have realized that her kid wasn’t next to her and looked up. And even though parents are glad for me to help their kids, that’s usually only when I’m in uniform. Today I was full punk with black lipstick and fishnet sleeves, but Jessy’s mom either didn’t care or was too tired to, because she slumped back down when I smiled and waved at her.
Honestly I don’t even know why Jessy even needed help finding a book to read. She wasn’t very picky and in the space of ten minutes was holding a stack of five short chapter books. On topics ranging to the proper care of dragons to a bunch of kids lost in space to a nonfiction book about geology. She seemed glad to have the company though and it was actually a nice change of pace to help her. The only thing I was really concerned about if her mom would let her check out so many books at once.
Our little finding spree had left a bit of a mess in the children’s section. Normally the low shelves aren’t very clean but books covered almost all of the interior yellow paint and even the ones that weren’t out of place were uneven. Since I had nothing better to do I straightened them up before even thinking of going back to my chair. I used to work in the school library in middle school as an elective and seriously considered volunteering at the public one too once I was old enough. But….then I saw who I would be working with and decided against it.
I still have all the shelving skills though and I was actually doing a pretty good job of filing the books and making sure they were all in place if I do say so myself. But it didn’t last long. A hand reached out from above me and picked up the book I was about to grab. Again I was really scared that it would be one of the populars but when I turned around honestly I may have been even more scared.
“Thanks for helping out, but I’ve got this,” Isabel told me nicely.
My face burned and I tried to smile back, “Jessy and I made this mess so I was trying to clean up.”
She waved me off, “You’re fine, I know you want to enjoy a bit of peace. This is what I signed up for, don’t worry.”
Since she was so insistent I gave her the books in my hand and started to walk back to the seating area in the middle of the library.
But even I had taken three steps I heard from behind me, “I love your skirt by the way.”
“Thanks,” I squeaked.
I said thank you quietly but was walking on the air the rest of the morning so high that I honestly can’t tell you what happened in the audiobook the rest of the hour I was there. I was just too happy to concentrate on anything.
The day seemed like it could only get better as I rode home from the library. And the world seemed to support me in believing this. A kind of happy song came up on my playlist and the sun was actually peeking through the clouds for the first time all week. Her’s the lyric of the day diary, I think you’ll like it.
All the things that you had lost will find their way to you - It Comes Back To You // Imagine Dragons
I know, I know, this isn’t a band you would expect me to like dairy, but some of their stuff is actually pretty mellow. Between this lyric of the day and my amazing mood I was actually kind of happy when I saw that Derrick’s car was in the driveway. I wondered how their night in the motel had been, but at the same time I hoped that they wouldn’t tell me too much about it. As usual I parked my bike and went inside, my only concern was that they would say something about my black lipstick.
They must have seen me pull up because as soon as I walked in the door I saw that Mom and Nathan were waiting for me in the foyer. I could already tell things were about to go downhill but I smiled at them nonetheless but before I could ask Mom how her night went she started talking. Actually, she started screaming.
“Naomi, Nathaniel says that you didn’t help him clean up this morning!” she shrieked at me.
Even though I thought I did nothing wrong I went on the defensive, “Did you also tell you about the beer that he served at the party?”
Nathan went a bit pale but I’m not sure Mom even heard me, “Don’t try and change the subject, Naomi, this is about you and your behavior.”
With that one line Nathan went back to smirking and I knew how the conversation would end.
“It was Nathan’s party,” I said quietly, “He didn’t even let me come out of the room once it started. I didn’t make the mess and I shouldn’t clean it.”
This really set Mom off, “I can’t believe how selfish you are! Where did I go wrong raising you? It doesn’t matter if this was your party or not Nathanaiel’s your brother and you need to help him!”
I didn’t say anything, just went to the kitchen for some gloves and started cleaning up. It seemed like the only change from the morning was that there were no beer bottles left scattered everywhere. Though I know that if Nathan knew how nonchalant Mom was about them he wouldn’t have bothered picking them up. What still was there was the cheese smeared on the wall and floors, soda cans, and crushed plastic cups everywhere.
With two people cleaning the work would go fast, but unfortunately, but not surprisingly there was only one person cleaning. Me. It was like a worse version of chore day. Even though I was supposed to be helping Nathan clean I didn’t see him until I had vacuumed and scrubbed every stain out of the carpet. His party, but I make the snacks and clean up afterwards. I don’t know why I expected a different diary. Honestly Mom’s right I should have just helped Nathan clean this morning instead of letting everything dry down. That would have saved me a lot of trouble.
I didn’t even get to eat lunch today because I was busy cleaning the kitchen. Someone had tried to make a sort of stew with the big steel pot and somehow managed to burn both the pot and the oven, and the counter. It took me forty-five minutes to clean the pot, over, and scrub the counter. And because the oven was inoperable because of the cleaner I had sprayed in it Mom ordered pizza for lunch, I didn’t eat any though. Derrick said I didn’t deserve it. But look on the bright side diary, all of that cleaning gave me a good opportunity to listen to more of that audiobook.
There were still a few slices of pizza left when I finished cleaning, but I didn’t even think of taking it. If Nathan was saving them for breakfast tomorrow I didn’t even want to look at them. And all of that cleaning had really killed my appetite.
Nathan was on the stairs when I went to my room and gave me a smug smile, I just walked past him and went into my room. But I didn’t stay there for long. I grabbed Satin and made sure that no one was around before I pulled down the ladder and went into the attic. Then straight into the wardrobe.
I don’t know if I was holding Satin or he was holding me as I cried. Honestly I don’t even know where these tears are coming from. When I went up here I just wanted a safe place to write in my diary but I just can’t stop myself from crying, diary.
Why didn’t I just help him this morning diary? I’m so stupid, it’s pretty obvious why he didn’t invite me in the first place. Gosh, let’s hope I don’t make that big of a fool of myself tomorrow, diary. Let’s talk again then.
Naomi J. Morgan