I turned into my daily routine after some excessive show of physical energy. I made myself suited and get readied to reflect. I am a person who usually trains his mind, making it to transcend as oppose to the normal people do.
I even rationalize my personal appearance. I have a very dark and deep set of eyes which is adorned with thick eyebrows and long eye lashes. The small and pointed nose seems to suit perfectly with the eyes and the thin, soft lips. Though, the imperfection is seen in the teeth which is currently being fixed by brackets, some could still see my prototype Asian nature. I was named Lex by my parents with the hope that I could be a lawyer someday since my name was derived from the Latin term of law.
Now, the question is, how accurate these descriptions are? Do they carry a certain meaning or truth or they're just collections of words?
I always use words to convey my thoughts, my feelings and anything else. Yet, to my confusion, I always find the insufficiency of my thoughts as compared to what I really have in mind; and the inaccuracy of my feelings as to what I really feel deep within.
Yes, am aware of the inadequacy of words.
Seemingly, it is easy to just utter a single word without putting so much thought on it. But at a certain point, I always wonder where it could lead me and I'd be pegged into silence. I begin to question myself of what is really in me.
I wondered about people, how they respond to each of the words thrown against them, as if an invisible mechanism is at work in them. And I wonder, how truth and lies are fabricated in the tiny curve line of the lips that swayed whenever there is an initiator of dialogue.
"Where does a conversation lead people?"
I kept on questioning until it becomes a life-long quest for me. Could we arrive at a certain end to a conversation? To my surprise, people always tend to associate emotions as the end of the conversation. Some might end up into misunderstanding so one gets fed up and the other gets irritated; some might feel uneasy and guilty; or to a brighter side, some might end up into a mutual understanding that could develop into love.
...and the mystery keeps going on...
I get more confused as to how easy others could find meaning into words where I barely could find a single of it.
Am I the only one who finds it difficult to understand words so much so that it is also difficult to trust into these? I find it hard to believe in any single utterance of ideas, or feelings - that is explicitly said just to be heard. Yes, I hear them, but, to what extent must I believe? I don't have any basis or hold in their minds. I can only have mine since I control it.
Apparently, many mistook me of being weird and even throwing shitty things at me. I was avoided, judged, and even out casted. But it's okay with me. I don't even care about what others were thinking about me. I don't even believe a single advice from others. In short, I let them do and say what they want as long as they keep my life out with their word games or any truth or dare gambles. I'd rather have myself be immersed with my own thoughts. Because in here, no one could ever disturb, manipulate, or snatch any piece of me as opposed to the trend of the world where prejudices are rampant and discriminations end lives.
So I was tagged as anti-social or worst, a sociopath. I diverge from the common flow of the society where to all, it is a great sin. Since I am on my own, I have ample of time to sneak and to observe what the "normal" people do.
It's funny to see how they put a smile on their masquerade while they hid something. Of course, I do not know what those things are. And I would barely like to know.
I continued to wonder...
At an early age of ten, I had already developed this indifferent attitude towards others. As if, they lie whenever their mouths open.
I don't have any trust issues (if that might occur in your minds) I just find the words I hear insufficient. Since then, every lecture, discussions and ideas during my elementary years, up to now, I find them lacking. I find all teachers to be great pretenders - acting omniscient yet just fakes in reality. I don't despise them. In fact I don't despise anyone. I only despise the insufficiency and inaccuracy of words. So the dissatisfaction led me into a deeper disbelief of things. It haunted me actually that am continuously falling into the pit of excessive questioning and disbelief. But I can't really see things as they are; words as were presented.
And t'was the moment I needed to seek for some genuine thing in this world. I can't seem to find even at the closest persons I have. At a least, due to fabricated lies and truths out of words, everyone hides and conceals something. I do not wish to unveil everything though. But the over whelming quest and dissatisfaction prove me to be such. Then, I lured myself into some sort of "people's necessity. The thing, I wish, didn't exist before hand.
Yet, it was already pre meditated to be an objective truth. And its existence come into itself thus, making it its own essence. I was caught by its spell and everything now seems to be fitted in their right place. I was bewildered that I even denied those I uphold the most. I cannot withstand it. I need to break free, yet the more I try to do so, the more I fall to it.
I pleaded myself to stop; I even tried to control and win over myself, but I was all the more denied by my own. I was made normal in the eyes of everyone by this thing, opposite to what I really believe in, which made me automatically put track in the society.
My world now has been racked by the noises of the shallow- minded humans yet I find it somewhat pleasurable. My silent world has been tricked by the alluring thing towards someone. Later did I realize that I ain't like the way I was before.
Indeed! I ain't like before.
Late did I realize, but am still denying it, that my heart beats in an irregular rhythm. As if a set of drums is being played within this tiny organ which caused the dissociation of my thoughts. This irregularity seems to be just a simple thing to all. But here I am, wondering how, when, where, and all sort of questions did it start? Feelings now grew within me. And it's a bad thing for me, since I believe that reason must over rule the heart. But how ironic, I'd wished to extract emotions out of me, yet they grew even more. They flourish into my whole being which likely hard to handle.
"Ugh! I should stop wondering and wandering in any foreign places especially in a gym."
"I need to go home now."
As puzzled as I am, I was reminded of the quotation I always wonder with - that change is the only constant thing in the world. Because I happen to passed by a river while on my way home and that brought me to reflect on myself again. What is really happening with me?
The river seems to be inviting me to dwell more into self-introspection. It is so beautiful that I feel like I could gazed it for hours. I really like how the rivers looked at night with the dim lights flashing forth from different homes that surround it... I'm riding a bus right now and can't help but wonder and wander about things that are happening.
I was so steady and seemed firm to who I was before yet looking at how things are occurring now, I doubt I could still claim that I am who I was. A shift has occurred in me and like the river flowing freely, change also moves freely and abruptly in my life.
Surely I was not like before. A lot have happened in me that even my rational mind cannot keep up. I tried to control the pace yet to no avail the pace moves swifter than ever before.
Something has grown deep within me! That, no matter how I deny it, it keeps bothering me. Coz' I can't even explain a thing. Well, it is not in the level of mind to begin with anyway. So I got even more confused.
What is this little thing called love? Or is this really just a little? Ever since I was a child, this has been one of the major subjects Id really want to be clear of. And up to now, I could barely know something about this so-called love. What was, is, and will be its nature? Would it be a conqueror that imprisons people into stupidity or would it be a guardian for liberation?
Anyhow, people tend to make it big a deal. It is as if, the world has been bewildered by its allurement that people cannot seem to think nor know what is right from wrong. I don't want to be stupid but the more I try to resist it, the more I am drawn to it.
I used to wonder how people get stupid in the name of love - people always tell me that love should not be rationalized, that it should always be felt; now I can somehow find the wisdom in their statements. Surely, this thing will always haunt me since I was not used to using my feelings and emotions.
I don't know who to blame for this. Should I blame myself for being ignorant and unprepared or should I blame that person who came forth and shook my mental state or comfort zone? Usually, I was always logical in dealing with people but when it comes to her, it is as if, my mind stops to process. I keep on thinking, what is in her that makes me like this? How is she different with all the people that I have met before?
And so I tried to confront her, with, of course, no certainties of what will the outcome be. I am not a person to be acting on impulse (you might already be aware of this by looking on the way I think) yet, at that very moment, to her, I was hooked to abrupt action. Then, I was put into silence while facing her. I really don't know where to start, what to say, and how to act.
The weather was so nice at that time - not too hot to stay outdoors to unwind - but I was all sweaty trying to collect all my thoughts and trying to regain my composure. I felt like I was going through the raging current of uneasiness.
Breaking my weariness, she said "Just say what you're thinking instead of thinking what to say; that is what makes a statement more sincere" as if she already knew what I was thinking.
I bottled up my confidence. Yet, I cannot find any from within me. I got shy! Yes, it may seem like a joke but in my entire life, I got shy facing and expressing myself to a person.
She looked too innocent with her cute eyes glimmering because of the rays of the sun. Her hair, though squandered by the wind, still seem soft and fragrant swaying along the maple trees.
She frowned while waiting for me to speak, yet even the wackiest of her face made her extraordinarily candid - at least I thought so. But here comes my mind again spurting contradicting ideas...
"Are you certain that your eyes do not deceive you?"
My mind keeps on echoing this question like a mantra or a chant making me more confused as I am now.
Finally I got the strength to speak...
"Wa-wa-what's with you?" I shyly muttered."
While waiting for her response...everything replayed - from the moment I first saw her.
I recalled the day when I got to noticed her...
...She's with her friends again. Every day, I could always see her laughing with her friends. She seem so happy all the time. Actually, I have never seen her put a sad face towards other people, not in front of me though. She frowns whenever she sees me and today was not an exemption.
Honestly, she got the typical characteristics of a girl in any common love story. She's stunningly pretty who could get much attention with just minimal efforts; she's tall compared to the common girls; and her skin is flawlessly heightened with her semi-tan complexion. But what I like the most about her feature is her eyes which seemed to be filled with so much wonders about things.
I sound like I'm head over heels towards her. What has gotten into me? I don't usually look at physical features because I always believe that our senses could fool us, but why am I like this towards her? She's the first person I look at physically and I feel guilty about it. It is as if I am like the typical shallow people who tend to base the worth of a person to something which is that of what we see.
To my surprise...I heard from her that she is not into the standards of common people. She despises the standard to which the pretty and the handsome people get more attention. She hated the very reason why people keeps on insisting that it's possible to fall in love at a first glance. To her, love transcends the physical realm. It goes deeper than what we see or what we feel.
I don't intend to listen to her conversation with her friends though, I just happen to over hear what they were talking about.
"I didn't know that there are still people who think that way." I told to myself.
Their conversation continued.
I remained seated in the bench near them. It was shady because of the trees that grow in between the benches. Aside from it, it's safe to listen to their conversation (this time, I'm already guilty of listening to them) because they could not really see who's sitting next to them. People keep on looking at me though.
And then, out of the blue...someone approached me...someone I have never met before - a girl.
I flashed my poker face again. I really don't like others approaching me over silly things.
"You're smiling alone. Are you okay?" the girl asked.
But I didn't even bother to respond. I got up and turned away.
I looked at the direction to where the voice came from. Only to find out that it was from the girl who approached me earlier. She's calling her friend. What a coincidence, the girl whom I was listening to before I was disrupted is also named Sophia.
"Oh! How are you Psyche?" The girl named Sophia greeted.
I shook my head. I was too much affected that whenever I hear her name, I always turn around.
I continued to walk aimlessly, trying to figure out the coincidence.
Ugh!!! I don't want to think of that anymore. I have so much things inside my mind and I can't afford to think it even further. And so I decided to go to my favorite spot along the beach where I could clearly gazed the sun sets its farewell and saying hello to the bright blueish evening.
That name constantly echoing in my mind. I could not help but to smile whenever I think of how she thinks in a different way compared to her friends. I feel like we could get along since we have things in common.
I looked at the stars. They sparkle so much that I feel so lonely. Here I am again...what a great shift. I am a totally different person again. It is by this reason that I could not know any meanings in my life and that I am constantly in search of something I could not even be aware of. Maybe Sophia just seems to be my escapism. Because seeing and thinking about her changes almost everything in me. Maybe the reason why I was smitten by her is...
...because I could project all my ideals in her.
No way! I shook my head as I thought of this. It would be unfair to her. I am making her the object of my ideas. A person could never be objectified. That has always been one of my principles.
"Yes!" I shockingly looked at where it came from.
Sophia is already sitting beside me. I didn't even notice her coming. I got confused. Why would she be here? Does she live here? And she responded as if she knows what I think. That gets me more confused.
"Yes! People should never be objectified". She repeated. "A person is always a person regardless of anything. We should never make people an object even so of love. No one should be an object of love for a person"
"How come you knew what I was thinking?" I asked.
"Well, it's pretty obvious. It's all written in your face - I mean, the things that you think." She responded.
I blushed. I didn't expect she's capable of reading people's mind.
She's looking at the vast sea. I tried to read what she's thinking but I can't. All I could see from her is an empty deep well. Or is it an empty well? Ahhhh!!! I don't know how to describe how she looks at the moment.
"How come people live just like the sea? They seem shallow but deep; seemingly finite but vast." She wondered.
I didn't expect that kind of statement. I always believed in the shallowness of people but here she is talking about the depth of humanity.
I remained silent as I don't know how to answer her query.
"I really would want to talk about random things like this to someone but I can't find anyone who's willing to listen to my weird thoughts." She muttered.
At that, I felt her loneliness. I felt her depth and her heart. This might be absurd to me who's incapable of emotion to feel this way.
"You could always talk about things to me. I'll listen." I was shocked of what I said.
She turned to me and smiled. T'was the first time she smiled towards me. Usually, if we're in common setting, that is, when we are at school, she would frown at me. Not at this very hour though. She blessed me with that stunning smile.
I went home and slept with ease and with a smile painted in my lips.
My teacher shouted at me.
"You're spacing out. I rarely see you being absent minded in class." He commented.
"Sorry sir!" I apologetically said.
"What's disturbing you?
"Nothing sir. I guess I just have not gotten enough sleep last night." I lied. Actually, I keep on thinking what happened yesterday at the beach. My mind was pre-occupied with my conversation with Sophia.
Indeed it was a rare moment - my spacing out and Sophia smiling towards me.
"By the way, what are you asking sir?" I asked while trying to regain my focus.
Mr. Carnis is my Philosophy professor. He is a typical nerd looking guy, wearing big lenses glasses and has messy hair. Although he is nicely built, he lacks care on his looks. Some girls in our class often commented on his looks that only if he fixes his hair and remove his glasses, he would have been an apple of the eye of our school's faculty.
But what I like the most about him is his way of thinking. He often says and discusses out of the blue topics. I could never forget one of his discussions about words (although I'm still in doubt of everything)...
"...words by themselves don't possess any meanings, unless you put meaning unto them through actions. Say for example: the word love...is meaningless unless one has shown how really is to love." Such statement gave me goosebumps.
Yet. I really don't like how he looks at me. It is as if his eyes scrutinize my inner being. I feel uncomfortable whenever he gazes. Not that I have a secret I don't want to reveal, but it really creeps me out.
"What do you keep?" I was astounded of the question coming from my behind. It was a question raised by my professor. Although it is subjected to everyone but I feel like it is more directed to me.
I wondered about the question... What do I really keep? What things do I hide from others? Or might also be from myself? I spaced out again. I think I hide so many things to the extent that I already don't have a hold on to truth.
"The truth will always not be the real!"
God! How did that come out from him? Is he able to read my mind? I muttered to myself while wondering about the statement my prof has just said.
Riinnggg!!!!!! The bell just saved me from over thinking again.
I went out the room and decided to go to the roof top where it usually is not accessible to students. I am often having my moments here because it is serene. My mind feels more at ease in here.
I sob to rest my eyes and at the same time my mind. When...
"How are you?"
I know this voice... I slowly lift my head and true enough. It came from Sophia. I'm wondering, whenever I am alone, Sophia keeps on appearing. I don't want to assume though.
She sits right next to me and so I could smell the fragrance coming from her hair and from her fading perfume. It was pleasant to smell. I moved away a bit to give space between us and so that she won't notice my trembling.
"You didn't answer my question." She repeated herself.
"Ahh...I'm fine I guess." That come out of my mouth voluntarily.
And a brief silence followed.
"How are you?" I asked back, just to break the momentarily silent atmosphere.
"Have you ever wondered about the fear of losing someone? The fear of losing someone you love or worst losing your own sense of self?"
I was taken aback by her question, but I think it was a good one. Only few people would have dare to ask those questions verbally.
"Or have you hated something of the things that have to be but have not been?" She added.
"Well, people should draw a line from what they hate and from what they are scared of. As for me, I feared almost everything, I feared that i could not understand the reality of things while I only hated myself of not accepting the truth that our reality brings."
"As for losing someone, people come and go in one way or another. They come and bring a twist to your monotonic life and leave afterwards once they have leave footprints to your life. I think we should all learn the process of letting go and moving forward." I unhesitatingly answered.
"You really are a level headed type of person. You tend to give comments out of theories. But I wonder how you will react on real life situations."
"Isn't it that theories were created out of real life situations?"
"Yes! But do all theories applicable to life? You may rationalize everything that has happening but the substance present in them is too shallow because you cannot feel what is beyond those things." I sensed a little irritation from the tone of her voice. And I wondered what wrong did I do?
"Well, it's not that you did anything wrong...I just got carried away and had been a bit sensitive." She laughed awkwardly.
As for me, I got confused whether I had verbalized what I was thinking or not. As far as I remember I didn't say it loud because it might offend her but she responded as if I have told her so.
I closed my eyes because I got a little dizzy. And t'was the moment the bell rang. I opened my eyes and Sophia has already gone.
As I was walking down the aisle along our compound, I cannot help but to think what has happened. Too much things have occurred for the past days. I am already exhausted with all that have happened. Literally I was dragging myself just to get home and lie down to the comfort of my bed.
Sophia thought I'm a shallow person. Well, it's not that I'm deep anyway but I think compared to other people out there, am way better than them. But she has thought I'm one of the worsts kind or it might just be an assumption based on her reaction with how I commented a while ago. I shook off the idea and prepared to go to sleep.
AAHHHH!!!! I'm already late!!!
It is unusual for me to wake up late because aside from setting my alarm clock I had also set my body clock to wake up three hours prior to my first class. Now, I only have almost thirty minutes to prepare before the start of my first class.
I hurriedly get my towel and took my shower. I didn't even care if the water is too cold for my skin or not. I was able to tolerate the temperature of my bath. I put on my uniform and waved my good bye to my parents. I didn't even had my breakfast.
I ran down the roads, luckily the school is just near my residence. I ran the fastest pace I could but I'm still late in my first class.
I decided not to enter my class since I am late anyway. I went straight to the roof top and find a suitable place where I could lie down for a while. To my surprise, Sophia was there taking a nap. When did she arrived? Has she also decided not to take her class? I glance at her face, she was too innocent and fierce even when her eyes closed. But more than her physique, I was more drawn to the way she thinks which was what I observed from the limited and rare times we have talked.
I was too engrossed with what I'm thinking when Sophia started to talk...
"Oh you're here"
"Ahh...y-yes. I decided to cut a class since I'm late anyway."
"Well, I think that's the best thing we could come up with." She said while nodding
"Uhm...sorry but how could people easily tell somethings as best?" I confusedly asked.
"Actually I don't usually use the word best...because it is only a limitation. Best limits our unending potentialities. If so, it is more appropriate to use better than best."
I was amazed by what she had just said. It was deep and very true. I hated how the standards of humans become absolute yet delimiting actually. I remembered how people look at me as someone distant to them; as someone who is incapable of anything good. I remembered how people tell me I can't be the best. I felt so down, it was painful and I really don't know what was that I'm feeling. All I know is...it's hard to breath, as if something heavy is in my chest.
I was about to break down with the negativity I'm feeling right now...but all the while I felt the warmth of Sophia's embrace. She hugged me. She lets me feel that I have someone.
I teared up, but I don't want her to see it so I moved my face against the direction of her eyes.
"Often times we are too focus on others' opinions about us that we forget our very own self. We are too much affected by what others are thinking that we forget to affirm our very self." Sophia comforted me with her words.
"I'm sorry," she continued. "I'm sorry I made you feel this way."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you those things. If only I know that you would get sensitive over those things, then I wouldn't have said anything." She said apologetically while looking into my eyes.
"Why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong." My eyes have just gotten sore from the dusty wind. "You have nothing to worry and apologize about." I reassured her that it was okay but I feel happy that she worries about me.