Chapter 1 - Numbness
This story has a lot of self harming and abuse. If things like that affect you....please do not read this story.
If you are strugling with depression or any other problem....it gets better, I believe in you and I know you can get through it! Sending love!
Another bad day...I am drowning again. I am suprised that I made it through the night.
Of all 17 years of my life I have been depressed for 8 years and it sucks.
Like is not enaugh that I have problems in my personal life since the age of 9 and it hasn't gotten any better....I also have to deal with those frecking jerks that keep bulling me since I started school when I was 6.
It feels like I am never good enaugh and that I am alone since I can remember. What have I done in my previous life to suffer so much in this one?
Well atleast I have one thing that I am in control of and it helps me forget. It feels like the razor blade is my best friend because it feels my pain and is always there when I need it. It never fails.
I used to care that the scars might be permanent and that I will never see my skin being smooth and soft again....but I have been in this numb place lately where I don't feel anything. I don't feel angry or sad....I just feel nothing and I don't care.
But moments of numbness don't last long. As soon as me and my razor have to seperate again it all comes back again...sooner that I would like.
It's monday morning and I am up before anybody else in this house because my plan is to leave for school before anybody wakes up. I am not a morning person and I like to spend as much time alone as possible.
I walk to school and it takes me 30-40 minutes to get there. And I am not walking because I couldn't go on the bus or something. Is just because I rather walk than to be traped on a bus with people who laugh at me behind my back. Being alone with my thoughts while I walk is okay but at the same time not because it can be quite dangerous for me to be left alone with my thoughts for too long.
I am about 20 minutes away from school and I decied to take out my razor blade that I always carry in my jean pocket. I do it because it will help me get through the first few hours of the day. I will have to think about not bleeding out infront of everybody and focus on the pain...and that means that I won't be able to think much about what people say or do to me. I never do it too close to the school to avoid anybody seeing me plus I need the extra time to put bandages on the cuts to stop the bleeding as much as possible.
It burned for split second and then everything was better. I foucused on the feeling of the blood dripping down my arm. I quickly woke up from my trans when I heard a car driving down the rode. I use the old road to get to school so there usually aren't many cars on the road. And by this point I was quite close to school so I rapped it all up and took a deep breath.
Yay another day of torture...
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