July 3rd, 2013
I’ve been thinking about home too much lately. It makes me feel like someone is inside me, reaching up and wringing out my heart with all the strength they have. I charged my phone, and I got a bunch of texts. Mostly from Isaiah, but some from other people. Aunt Merida has called me every week. I always knew she and Uncle Jack paid my phone bill.
I got on social media. I don’t know why. I’m just stupid and impulsive. That’s why. I looked at Isaiah’s Facebook and saw his post from when Brendan died. And the post about Leo’s car wreck.
Thinking about all that pain is too much. Thinking about all those texts I’m not reading and all the messages I’m not listening to is too much. I shut off my phone and threw it at the wall hours ago.
I’m drained. I haven’t left my bed all day, despite the time Cameron came up and tried to coax me downstairs. He even brought me a sandwich that I barely tried. The great thing about him is that he cares so much.
What would I do without him and Terin? They’re the only people who really know anything substantial about my old life. They let me complain, because I could never complain about Isaiah to Isaiah, you know? Not until that one night.
But I might have gotten through to him. I might know if I read his texts, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I’m really glad that I found people who let me be me. Terin and Cameron never call me a nerd, ever. They never tell me to stop being smart, (though they’re smarter than me, so why would they?) and they never make me stop reading or writing to go do something I don’t want to do. They don’t put people on probation. We can just be friends, and that’s enough.
I can say something and they’ll give me their undivided attention. They’re like the perfect brothers I never had. Not even Martin and Matthew cared about me this much. Plus, they’re genuinely cool and funny, even if they can be a little weird. But I like that, because that’s how I know they’re being their authentic selves. It’s how I know I can be myself around them.
There’s just one thing that bothers me about them, and I’m afraid to even write it down. It’s just things like that one night they locked themselves in the bathroom…
I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy. I just think they’re hiding something, and I don’t know what I think they’re hiding. Even though they both have told me a decent amount of things about themselves, I still feel like there’s this gap. And I feel like it’s related to the fact that I feel so close to them, but when I look at them, I realize that they’re closer to each other than I’ll ever be to them.
Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m just jealous. I don’t know.
I love them regardless, and I know they love me back. I never thought I’d be saying this about anyone, much less my friends, but I know it’s true. Nothing has ever been more apparent. Nothing has ever meant more to me.