May 7th, 2017
I don’t really know how to start.
I’ve been staring at this page for 5 minutes now, and I still don’t know.
I can do this.
Yesterday I secretly packed most of my stuff in the backpack I brought here. Almost
everything fit, even though I have more journals and notebooks and clothes than I did when I came. This time, I don’t have a bunch of food.
I kept my bag hidden in my drawer and left this journal and my current notebook and some pens out on my bed so that everything appeared normal. No one said anything, so I thought I was in the clear.
This morning, Mrs. Parker made pancakes, like she does on everyone’s birthday. She had work so lunch was normal, but for dinner she grilled burgers and corn on the cob, which she knows is my favorite warm-weather meal. I was pretty giddy with excitement for the meal, the cake, my present… but mostly for the fact that I’m finally 18! I’ve waited so, so long for this.
When Jerico, Melodie, and Annelies were up, we ate dinner, and I swear it was the best meal I’ve had in years. The cake (chocolate with chocolate icing, of course) was really good, and seeing the 18 candles aglow really secured the reality that today was my day. Today is the day I became free.
The Parkers gave me a beautiful hardback journal, which I fully intend to use when I get home to write about all of my new adventures. I don’t think I can write them in this one. It would be like starting a completely new novel right after the last sentence of the first one! They got me a really nice fountain pen too, which I have no idea how to properly use, but I look forward to experimenting with it.
After we ate cake and everything, I went upstairs to my room to put my new journal in my bag. Cameron followed me though, and I was scared to open the drawer because he would see my packed bag. I kind of panicked, because I didn’t know what to do.
When we got up there, he closed the door and asked if I liked my gift. I told him I loved it, and then he asked me if I was leaving. I swear my heart skipped a beat.
He told me that Terin can guessed that I was leaving, but in the moment, I had a dumb suspicion as to whether one of them spied on me or something. I know it’s stupid, because I trust them, but I was panicking.
Cameron then offered me money, which I felt really bad about. He’s worked so hard for every penny that he’s earned. He doesn’t have a bank account with a couple thousand in it somewhere like I do. Plus, Roderick had already given me money and helped me buy an Amtrak ticket home. I promised to pay him back, and I will. I have his address to send him a check and everything.
Anyway, I told Cameron no to the money, and I told him that I was going to miss him. He responded by telling me that he’s transgender.
And that he loves me.
So, yeah… He kissed me, and I’m afraid I didn’t react very well.
I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I think I broke his heart.
Listen, I thought… or I think? I really don’t know. I thought that a guy kissing a guy was disgusting. It was not an image I wanted in my head. But Cameron kissing me made me realize something. He kissed me the way I had wanted to kiss my crush, April, back in eighth grade. He kissed me because he really liked me. Or, as he said, he loved me. And I love Cam so much (in a completely different way, obviously). I can’t believe I broke his heart and maybe called him gross or something, just for loving me.
I think I was actually wrong about gay people being gross and unnatural. A guy kissing a guy seemed so wrong to me, because I didn’t want to go around kissing guys, you know? But for Cameron, kissing a guy is an act of love, just like me kissing a girl or a girl kissing a boy. I think I somehow overlooked that before.
He’s upstairs right now, probably crying his eyes out. I could go apologize, but I’m really, really scared that he won’t forgive me. Or that he’d yell at me or something.
Should I ask Terin to go up and check on him? I bet Terin knew about all this. I bet that’s why I felt left out sometimes.
I still can’t believe that Cam is transgender, though. He’s definitely a guy. I don’t know how anyone could think anything else.