For Her
“I feel sad Doctor. It grips at me daily and refuses to let go. Only by distractions and moment of comedy do I find myself appeased by it.” A patient states as he lays on the couch staring up at a flower patterned ceiling breathing slowly and methodically. Perhaps a testament to his current emotion or a rhythm to force him to keep breathing. Only the doctor next to him would ever know.
“Ah and what type of sadness is it?” Asks the doctor as he begins to compile his documents and scripts for the current session he was on. Shuffling slightly in his wooden chair perhaps in a physically uncomfortable fashion if not for his familiarity to its rough texture.
The patient idles for a moment as they huffs a bit of air concentrating on the question he was given by the doctor. “Love I guess would the closest concept.” He finally states as he lets out a long drawn out soft sigh. As if a boulder was being released by his shoulders and placed into his chest. Merely shifting the weight of his emotion to a new part of his being.
The doctor raises an eyebrow as he leans backward taking his glasses off to wipe them clean. A presumption to having a clearer vision would give him a cleared mind to process information. Though he was none the wiser to such metaphors in his head as he recalled many session with other patients concerning the attribute of love.
“Ahh indeed love.” Began the doctor. “ You are a young strapping lad, I am assuming this is not a paternal nor sibling issue but instead your romance life?” He asked as he scratched his neck slightly pondering how best to tackle this possible dilemma with his patient.
The patient simply nods his head up and down at the response of the doctor before clearing his throat breathing in air slightly before expelling it with a few words. “I wish it was a romance. We have been talking and seeing each other for some time. We love each other, or at least I think she loves me.”
“You think?” Asked the doctor as he pulled out a notepad and begin writing some quotes his patient was stating to better refer himself to later.
“Well it was more indirect and through nonverbal communication she would expose her feelings. Yet even those are indirect at best, I tell myself she may be shy but its making me worry slightly.” The patient stated as his lips pursed tightly as if the words he was stating stung him deeply.
The doctor watching the face of his patient wrote down a paraphrased version of the patient statement as he raised an eyebrow curious to his facial response. “And why now of all times do you worry?” The doctor asked as he tapped his pen on the tablet in a slow pattern to a song he was unable to get out of his head.
Letting out another sigh and remaining quite for a moment the patient let out a sniff before continuing. “Communication lately has been sparse. She used to confide in me and show interest as a couple. But now she will go days without talking to me and it is always me initiating the conversation. Getting to see her no less is a feat in of itself. Id be lucky to see her once a month.”
The doctor listened to his patient spill out his feelings attempting to diverse the patient’s interpretations of his emotions from fact and overexaggerating. Though nothing stated so far seems exaggerated to him and if what he was stating to be invoked by emotion then how much was true. This wasn’t for the doctor to decide, a sense of investigation eludes him as he did not privy himself to couples’ therapy. This was therapy for his client who trusted his diagnoses and opinons nothing more nothing less.
“That is unfortunate to here, and what do you think would have caused her to go distant?” The doctor asked choosing to go along with this bout unsure what route his patient would take with his question.
“I don’t know…” Began the patient as he rubs his hands softly as if attempting to remove old skin or dust. “Maybe I am too needy? No that can’t be it I respect her space… Maybe it is something I did… if so what did I do? I try to be the best me that I can be, maybe something eludes me entirely that I am missing.”
The doctor scribbled in his notepad quickly paraphrasing each sentence to the best of his ability. His aged hands working fast as the pen scribbled on the parchment. Giving living proof of his years of experience in both conversation and note taking. Perhaps memories in his hands of a prior job that required just as much attention if not more. Regardless the doctor nodded his head amused, he was half expecting the patient to point out faults in his significant other but instead was directed at themselves. He stopped writing for a moment as he bit the end of his pen to think. His mind raced as he thought to himself:
‘If this patient was wallowing in self loathing he could perhaps have been seeking self pity and was addicted to the drama of relationship strides. Though in this case he reassured his standing stating he was trying to be the best him that he can be. Which does contradict the possibility but does not rule it out. If there was an legitimate issue with his relationship it would not be ruled out of his psychosis but his dilemma with the relationship itself…’
“Doctor?” the patient asked as he appeared to sit up slightly and onto his side as he eyed the old man biting his pen thinking hard to himself. The doctor in turn looked up having realized he dozed off into his own thoughts once more. A curse perhaps to his old investigator antics no less.
“Sorry I do apologize for my lul in the conversation. I was… attempting to find a perfected answer to your questions. Or another question to give you to contemplate. But we both know as you stated we are dealing with sadness from a relationship. Which brings me to my next stated question. What do you want?” The doctor stated as he sat the note pad onto the small coffee table in front of him as he sat forward clasping his hands together looking the patient in the eyes.
The patient seemed put off by the sincere attention from the doctor and found it rather unsettling. But so was the fact of going to a therapist for problems with relationship advice. Thoughts raced in his head wondering if exposing his feelings on the matter was premature of him and if it uncultured of him to go to therapist to begin with. Regardless he let the words of the doctor roll around in his head as he leaned back into het couch letting the flowered ceiling caress his eyes.
“Well I love her, I truly do. I see myself with her in the future. But if she does not feel the same then I can respect that. But I do not know If I will recover from it. I invested too much, if you understand what I am explaining.” The patient explained as he folded his arms across his chest huffing slightly wondering if the doctor could begin to feel how he felt.
The doctor simply smiled at his patient response. Having himself put his stock in another profession to retire into a more laxed one was a stock he could never let go. Clearing his throat he stood up eyeing the clock as he slowly made his way to the door his hand on the door knob.
“State how you feel truly, if she reciprocates your feelings then fret not. If she dodges them ask her why. If she avoids you ask her why. And if all else fails wait for her but do not put your life on hold. Life is not all about finding the one. Sometimes the one is yourself for a time, and taking care of number one will allow you to acquire a number two eventually. Pain is temporary but time wasted dwelling on it can never be gained back. Tall not and seek your future for good or bad. As such is life.” The doctor stated proudly as if reciting a poem from a long lost poet. He then opened the door to the outside of his office.
The patient sat up confused as he eyed the clock knowing the session was far from over, the words of the doctor running around in his head.
“Consider this session on me, there is nothing more to be stated here. Now go and sieve your future for better or worse.” The doctor stated as he stood their with the door open as he watched his patient make his way toward the door with a dumbfounded expression. “Only you know what is right in your heart. Rambling of a mad man won’t do you justice. Only come back if she’s truly driven you mad or is trying to kill you.”
The patient scoffs humorously to the last as he stopped in front of the old doctor with a hand offering a handshake. Gripping his he locked eyes with the old man for a moment curious to what hidden knowledge he should be made aware of as if some answer he was seeking. Smiling and blinking slowly he refrained from asking and simply walked out the office as the door slowly closed behind him. Leaving him to acquire his own life and glory.
The doctor smiled in return as he closed the door taking a seat at his desk. His old hands opening a drawer where an aged portrait of a woman lay along with an engagement ring still locked within its box. A bittersweet smile crossed his face for a story untold. In a time where he was in an all too familiar situation as his patient. A strange thought crossed his mind as he pondered who truly was the patient today.
