It's 5:30 A. M and typing in gloves with the face sheet going foggy because of your own breath to stop yourself from crying. It's been 50 days, 50 days since the descent began. And what happened 50 days ago? I broke up. In the worst way possible. From a relationship that really had potential. I don't really remember much of what happened once the yelling stopped. The numbers getting blocked and social media distancing began. I believe it happens slowly. You don't notice it. Like you really don't. You just sleep. Mostly because you've been crying for months. You're tired and really dehydrated. You're lazy too. You don't want to get up to get that bottle of water. So you just lay there and fall back asleep. Before you know it the sun that rose five minutes ago is setting. And you push yourself to east something, if you have stomach problems like mine they get unbearable. If not, you just hydrate yourself and just go back to sleep or mindless binge watching the latest distraction. Anything for your mind to not go there. You want talk about it. Your friends tell you to stay strong. They'll listen. Loving friends are a blessing.
As I write this, up in the air, with dua lipa in the background, with the sunlight peeking through is oddly calming. When obviously the breakup with your love of your life should be enough to cause some amount of traumatic grief. A therapist can show at least two other angles where your problems could be coming from. You can't solve a problem without knowing it.
" I can't look at myself in the mirror " , i had to confess when the question came up. I didn't know if i loved myself. I mean naturally you either are born with self love or not. Basically you feel something about yourself right ? Love , indifference, acceptance, or workout instagram stories. But did the descent stop because of the shift in the focus? Nah. Our brains are nothing if not multitaskers. After wanting to sleep all the time you decide to shower naturally. But somewhere down the lane waking up for work itself seems tedious. Work starts at 8:45 A.M on working days and you just have to make sure your up before that. Simple right ? You just have to shower, brush your teeth, if not breakfast at least a cup of tea before you sit down on for your at home video call meetings. Again ain't that hard. If you have the will for it. I'd wake up at 7:15 unfortunately to my alarm blaring at me. Switch it off and contemplate on why did even wake up today. Roll over to sleep again. Wake up again. My existence felt expensive and unnecessary like many of my previous purchases.
Two things, the two things that kept me motivated to stay alive honestly was work no matter how distasteful I became towards it. Secondly, were my friends. I had shifted my focus from my pain for awhile to my friend's life and the troubles he was going through with boys. Along with my coping mechanism of spending money on everything to sight. I poured it all on food. I had no interest in cooking mu own food. I lacked interest I living to be honest. My indecisiveness didn't make it easy in choosing my meals. Even with the most cheesiest comfort food and no appetite. You'd think that I'd put on a pound or ten but somehow the the inconsistent appetite just made me lose more weight.
The weather outside on the outside of it looked like a perfect sunny day. The blue sky the sun the quiet. Seemed peaceful. But stay out long enough you'll be sun burnt. You'll find that in the many apartments in the society whereof compare each tiny apartment to the cells of .y body were all distressed in a way. They were screaming in their own way. But the day on the outside was beautiful and sunny. Then suddenly it's like all of them screamed at in unison. All my fibers I my body said and resonated only one thing. I want to go home. Then just like after long dry summer tears poured out of my eyes like a long awaited storm with only one sentence coming out "I want to go home".