If you asked me two years ago what I thought my future would be, it would be something bright. Something amazing.. I would of never pictured it to be me on a rooftop ready to end my life. One step, that’s all it takes and it’ll be over.. It’s so easy to just stop one’s life..
I wonder where I would go. What I would do in my new home.. Would God protect me? No, i’m about to sin aren’t I..? I wonder what Jayson would think of this, i’m giving up so easily..
I took a deep breath and looked up to the sky. “I’ll miss you, Jay.”
I took a step.
Two years ago, sophomore year
“Why does her hair have so many knots.. Has she not heard of a brush?” Said someone a few seats behind me, mischievous laughs escaping their lips. “Hey, not cool.. There’s a rumor going around about how her mom died last night, I think she committed suicide or something.”Another voice spoke, gasps following the statement.
Idiots.. They don’t even know what happened.. I wish they would all leave me alone, I should of stayed home.. I stood up and grabbed my backpack, rushing out of the classroom. I can’t take this anymore.. It’s all so fast, what do I do.. Mom what do I do..?
I was brought back to my senses once I crashed into a taller figure, my bag falling to the ground as I tried to correct my balance. “Ah, my bad.. You okay?” The figure spoke. I took a minute due to my dizziness, but I then finally looked up and saw it was a boy. “Sorry.. I’ll look where i’m going next time.” I said, trying to walk away but the boy soon gently grabbing my arm. “No need to apologize, we both didn’t see each other.” He said with a bright smile. My head slowly nodded and I lightly jerked my arm away, awkwardly standing there for a while.
“Ah, I need to go back to my class..” He said as he looked down at his watch. “The names Jayson by the way, hope we run into each other again.” He said with a wink as he departed.
Jayson.. I’m sure he’s just obsessed with my story like the rest of this fucking school. A million people have expressed how they were sorry for my loss, but they don’t really care.. They just want the satisfaction of telling their friends they showed “compassion” to the girl with the recently deceased mother..
I shook my head, stop thinking like that Elianna.. Some of them might actually mean it.. Or at least I hope they do.. Fuck! Just go to the bathroom and get your shit over with.. I listened to myself and hurried to the bathroom, wanting to die once I saw who was in it.. Three girls were at the mirrors fixing up their hair and makeup, one of them turning to me and their face instantly showing disgust.
“Girls, look at that thing at the door..” She said, rolling her eyes and turning back to the mirror. “I guess mommy can’t help you get dressed anymore. Or take a decent shower.” She mocked.
They don’t even know.. How can they do this when they’ll never know..
“How did she finally kill herself anyways? Did she hang herself with that terrible hair of yours? Honestly, if I gave birth to something like you I would die too.”
A tear rolled down my face and I exited the bathroom, walking down the hallway a bit until I slowly slid down a wall, my thoughts taking over my whole body.
Why.. What did I do.. Is this my punishment for letting my own mother die? Should I have tried to stop it? Stop him? That fucking bastard.. He did it right in front of me.. And then he had the nerve to confuse me for her.. The things he did this morning..
It felt like I was being seperated from reality. I couldn’t see, everything was black. Is this really what I deserve? Is this what the universe is offering me? I should die like this..
“It’s your fault you bitch, she’s only dead because of you.”
“Your fucking face reminds me of that whore, go get me a beer.”
“You must want to end up like her”
My breathing intensified and my chest felt heavy, what’s happening to me? Why is this affecting me so much.. Shouldn’t I just take my punishment? Accept it? I deserve it. I’ll never escape..
A hand gently rested on my shoulder, causing my body to jump up in fear. I sighed in relief when I saw it was only the guidance counselor, Mrs. Kole. “I’m sorry for not being in class I can go back..” I whispered. The woman lightly smiled, “Its alright honey, could you come to my office? I just want to speak with you” she calmly spoke, giving me a sense of comfort. I stood up and slightly nodded, “Thank you..”
“You can take a seat in that chair, make yourself comfortable.” She said to me. I walked over to the chair and sat down, the soft cushions comforting me. “So, would you like to tell me what’s going on? You can trust me with any information.”
I stayed silent, I don’t think i’m ready to talk.. If I speak one word about it I might just snap..
Mrs. Kole smiled, “Alright I see you don’t want to. That’s comepletly fine. But, if you ever do need someone to speak to you know where my office is. Now, I do need you to go to class because this is a school and I can’t just allow you to stay in the hallway or here. Please take care of yourself!”
I sighed and stood up, “Thank you for the offer but I.. Think i’ll be fine by myself.” I said, soon walking out of her office.
Jesus, what does one do in this situation?
I shrugged and started to walk towards my classroom, seeing the boy from earlier was down the hallway. Again..? I thought he was gone.. “Hey! You again.. I never caught your name.” He yelled, soon getting close enough to me so he didn’t have to yell.
“My name..?” I quietly muttered. Jayson rose an eyebrow, “Yeah.. You really don’t have to tell me if you-”