Well any other day it would be pathetic, but today... today seems to be an special occasion. Just as I’m about to put the phone down his chat bubble pops up and what’s crazier is it actually has the three dots. That’s when I realized he was actually about to text me. Three years later and I was finally going to be able to talk to him again. I could finally get some answers.
“Who’s that Hope?” Asked a groggy voice from the side of me startling me. I turned to find Jake staring intently at my phone with my heart practically pounding out of my chest. I’m surprised that he can’t hear it with how hard it’s pounding. I know if I tell him the truth this will change everything I have going on with him and we’re in a good place right now. I don’t want to mess things up. He doesn’t need to know about this. At least not yet.
“Who’s who Jake?” I asked quickly going back to seeing who else was active just to cover the lie I’m about to tell. I’ve never lied to Jake before, but I don’t think this is something he should know about. I meam yes we’re getting serious, but we aren’t that serious. Besides I never actually got a message from Novian, I was just really hoping for one. Fuck, now I’m kind of lying to myself about things. He definitely should know about the things that happen with Novian and what he meant to me, but it was all before him and it really shouldn’t matter now. It shouldn’t matter at all I was over it.
“The guy you were just getting ready to message.” He said snapping me out of my thoughts. Had he sat there letting me ramble to myself or did he already know I was getting ready to lie to him?
“Oh. That was an accident. I was scrolling to see who was online and clicked on his name by mistake and got scared when the little dots popped up. You know me really paying attention to what I’m doing.” I lied smoothly giving an awkward laugh at the end. I was nervous as hell and didn’t know what I was going to do if he didn’t believe me. He sighed.
“How many times do I have to tell you to be careful Hope? I know you’re all hopeful in humanity and everything, but there are some real creeps online who won’t stop until they can get a response back and might even take it a step further if you aren’t careful. You have to be careful Hope, you never know who you can truly trust until it’s too late.” I can feel him getting ready to go into his lecture that I’ve heard over a thousand times about internet safety and just steering away from people in general. Smiling and feeling relieved I leaned over to kiss his lips cutting him off.
“I know babe. I promise to try and be more careful.” And I meant that. I have to be more careful about the way I check for Novian’s activity now. If Novian does contact me I can’t risk him knowing more than he needed to.
“Thank you.” He sighed. “Now I’m going to shower and head off to work. I won’t be coming over tonight my mom needs me to come by and help with some things in the morning so I’ll be staying at my apartment. I’ll call you tonight and we can talk for as long as you want. Okay?” Perfect timing. I could use this time to really cover my tracks.
“Alright babe. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I smiled as he kissed me again and went to get in the shower. Again I stared at my phone itching to pick it up, but not wanting to take the chance of getting caught again by Jake. I should feel bad about lying to Jake, but the burn of wanting to talk to Novian at least once more was overwhelming. As I listened to the shower water run I pretended to read a book I had sitting on my nightstand and found myself lost in my thoughts.
Was he actually going to message me just now? If he did what would I say? What would he say? Was I ready to start conversing with him again? Could I really handle whatever reason he had for disappearing on me? Just thinking about it had my breathing labored. Why was I so excited about the possibility of talking to Novian? What about Jake? Would he be mad or would he understand? I mean it’s not like I’m cheating on him and one conversation wasn’t going to hurt anyone, right? What kind of harm could one conversation really cause? Soon the shower stopped and then Jake was gone with his overnight bag that he came with and I was once again all alone in my apartment. It’s taken awhile to get use to it, but I am now.
To clarify Jake and I don’t live together. I’ve learned to like my own space and I’m just not ready for that. At least that’s what I tell him to keep from freaking out when I deny the option. Maybe I am just waiting for a different option and I’m just realizing it now.
Anyways, I waited until I heard the familiar sound of his engine starting before I grabbed my phone again.
One New Message From Novian.
I had to stop myself from squealing outloud as I rushed to open the message. Funny how a simple text from him could still have me all giddy inside and blushing like crazy.
Novian: Hey Little H.
I can’t believe he actually messaged me. What should I do? Should I respond? Would it be wrong for me to respond? I do miss him though and I do wish we could talk like we use too. I wish we could actually speak face to face after so long. Is that wrong of me? Taking a deep breathe I said something that I couldn’t take back once I pressed send.
Hope: I don’t think you can still call me Little H after three years of radio silence.
Why did I do that? This would only lead to either arguing or him going silent again. Why couldn’t I just be normal and respond with a simple hi? I swear my thumbs have a mind of their owns.
Novian: ...Hope...Hope I...
He what?! I was anxious for his response. It’s crazy. After only a few text messages I was already feeling like who I was before he left.
Novian: Look Little H I have no excuses for the way that things ended or the fact that I was the cause for it. I never wanted to hurt you and making you cry was never my intention. I hate myself knowing that I was the cause for those tears running down your beautiful face, but I knew it was nothing compared to how much u hated me...
He thinks I hate him? Why would he think I hated him? I never came close to feeling that way or speaking those words towards him.
Novian: and even though I deserve it... I couldn’t take it. So I stayed away.
But... But... But... What?
Hope: I don’t hate you Novian. I never could no matter how hard I tried. Despite how much I wanted to, I just never could.
Why am I texting him back so fast? He’ll get the wrong impression. I should make him wonder. Why can’t I ever hurt him?
Novian: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I actually miss you calling me your Novi-Bear.
Hope: Wow... You use to hate when I called you that. I hate that I use to call you that. It’s weird, but we did use to have fun together.
Novian: I want to see you.
What? No. Don’t do this to me Novian. You know I can’t say no to you. Nevermind the abruptness of it all.
Novian: I’m sorry Hope I dont mean to come off so abruptly, but I do miss you. I really want to see you and I’ll be damn if I can’t see you soon. It’s all I’ve been thinking about lately.
Hope: Novi I...I...
I couldn’t say it. I love Jake, but I just couldn’t say it and I don’t why. I couldn’t tell Novian I had a boyfriend and I’d be lying if I said that I wanted to. At least not yet. Telling him about Jake could ruin everything.
Hope: I’d love too meet up with you Novian.
Novian: Great. Open the door.
Open the door? What the hell did he mean by open the door? He can’t possibly remember where I live. It’s just not possible. Okay he can seeing as he used to live in the building also, but what makes him think that I still lived here. It’s not something he’d just know. Getting off my bed in the towel that I was still wearing I went to the door and looked through the peephole.
“What the hell?!” I yelled. There he stood with a smile on his face dressed in black jeans and a black button up that fit his muscular built well. Why did he feel as if he could just pop up here like everything was ok? Did anyone see him? Was he there when Jake left? What the hell was happening right now? Was any this real or was I dreaming right now?
“Hello to you too Hope. Now can you open up?” He laughed.
“I’m not dressed Novian. I’m only wearing a towel.” Why did I just say that? I know better.
“I don’t mind.” He smirked and I could hear the laugh in his tone as I rolled my eyes.
“Not a chance in hell you pervert.” I said a little amusement of my own in my voice. I missed this playful banter we had. It was always so easy to flirt with him about anything. “Just give me a minute to grab some clothes and I’ll let you in.”
“Again I don’t mind Little H.” He laughed causing me to kick the door with the pad of my foot as hard as I could. “Okay okay I give.”
“Ha. Ha. Ha. You’re so funny.”
“Hasn’t even been two minutes and I’m already getting the sarcastic voice. Damn I missed you.”
“Whatever.” I mumbled with an eye roll opting to just ignore him and the butterflies in my stomach until I was actually dressed in decent clothes. For as long as I can remember I’ve always had the same neighbors. This apartment was the closest to the college and just so happens to be the one I grew up in before my dad left it to me once he remarried. Needless to say my neighbors knew both Novian and Jake and I didn’t need anyone sticking their noses in my business. Novian also use to live here so it was clear what side they would take. The entire building would think I was some cheating slut before noon amd assuming Novian and I was a thing again. I wasn’t doing anything wrong by hanging out with an old friend. Was I? I didn’t want Jake to end up hating me, but I couldn’t blatantly ignore Novian anymore either. I missed him too much and I’m not afraid to admit it. Seeing him confirmed it and there was no way I could continue denying it.
“Hey Hope if it helps you move any faster I brought brunch. All of your favorites and an extra big thing of orange juice just for you.” He teased snapping me out of my thoughts. Couldn’t deny that he knew me well. Orange juice was my guilty pleasure, favorite drink, and a late night snack all in one. I smiled as I grabbed my matching all black bra and boy short set before pulling on some black high waisted shorts and an off the should black crop top that read ‘fuck off’ in bright glitterly letters. I giggled from how perfect the shirt was right now. My hair had gotten a bit lengthy since we last spoken and now hung off my shoulders in waves that were now a vibrant red and purple mix. I would be a liar of I said the thought of his reaction when he saw the new me didn’t make me giddy. I wanted his approval. I wanted him to still be attracted to me in a way that made it hard to keep his hands to himself. I wanted him to look at the new me and still see the girl he fell for. With a smile I walked to the door and opened it.
“Hey.” He said breathy as my tongue got caught in my throat. As his eyes trailed me from head to toe over and over every single thing I had been denying came rushing back the moment I was face to face with him. I still had feelings for him and just by him being here I knew it was wrong. He shouldn’t be here, but I just didn’t care anymore. I knew I shouldn’t, but I was longing for it. For some kind of physical touch. Without another word I threw myself to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him with all that I could muster up. I wanted him to know just how much I missed him and a kiss seemed to be the perfect way to let him know.
There are no words in the English dictionary to describe what I feel the moment his lips touched mines. There’s no way to describe the level of confusion I feel and I know that it’s going to keep me up all night just from thinking about it. Not the confusion this kiss. It feels familiar yet foreign. There are an explosion of fireworks and endless butterflies but it still feels cold and clammy. I’m both happy and mad. Mad at myself for letting this happen. Estactic and ashamed. Ashamed of myself for not wanting it to end. I know I shouldn’t be doing this yet I can’t stop myself. My lungs are screaming out for air, but I don’t want to be separated from him just yet. I just want a minute more. It feels like I have to choose between breathing air and being closer to him a second longer. It’s a choice I can’t make and luckily I don’t have to be the one to make that choice. He pulled away turning to shut and lock the door before sitting the food down on a nearby table. In that moment the fog began to lift from my mind a bit, but that freedom didn’t last nearly as long as I thought it would. The moment he was in my sights again his lips were on my mind. I’m not even sure who kissed who this time. It was like there was a magnetic pull between us. My back hit the door as he lifted my legs around his waist. My hands continuously ran through his locks of dark brown hair which was also longer now. Oh my-his hair was so soft now. Even with this feeling as right as it felt I still knew that it was wrong. So why couldn’t I stop myself? I knew right from wrong and I just kept doing wrong. Why couldn’t I just pull myself away and utter four little simple words? All I had to say was that I have a boyfriend, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I really didn’t want him to know. Why didn’t I want him to know about Jake? I could lie and say it wasn’t any of his business,but in reality I would do just about anything to keep him from finding out. I feared this would stop and he would leave for good this time if he knew about him.
I could hear the landline ringing in the distance, but I couldn’t careless. It just wasn’t possible. Nothing get make me stop kissing this man right now. Not after I waited three years just to do it again. Besides no one I knew called the landline anymore. It couldn’t be anything of importance. The phone is ringing more and more and now I’m convinced that the ringing is only in my ears and kissing him has me feeling dazed. Damn he’s a better kisser than I remember. I really need some air. A fresh breath of air wpuld definitely help to clear this fog from my mind. As if he can read my mind he pulls away and begins nibbling on the one spot only he knows about and immediately my core is soaked allowing a loud moan to pass from my lips as the fog thickens. I want this to happen with him. I need it too. All traces of Jake are gone from my mind as I feel my bra come loose before removing it. I’m doing things as if I’m on autopilot I’m so lost in the moment. Just as we’re getting to the point of no return the ringing as stopped and all I hear is Jake’s voice floating throughout the apartment bringing all of my senses back and a stomach full of guilt.
Hope I guess you decided to step out or you went back to sleep. I called your cell, but you didn’t answer and I guess I know why. Look Hope I know who that was earlier. I just didn’t say anything. I guess I did put you on the spot there, and by now I hope you know that I know you lied to my face. I guess he meant that much too you. I’ve noticed you looking at that same chat bubble a few other times. Nevermind the pictures that you hide under the bed. I don’t know maybe it’s time we talk about it. I know you say we don’t need to,but maybe we do need to talk about you and Novian. I mean there has to be a reason that you’re doing this. It’s like you’re secretly longing for him and just using me for the time being. Anyways, I don’t want to leave you too long of a message, but I called just to say that I need a few days alone. I’ll call you when I’m back and hopefully you’ll be a little more willing to talk about him with me. I love you babe.
All the blood drained from me as my body ran cold. No no no. This couldn’t be happening. How in the hell did he know about the pictures with Novian? How in the hell did he even know his name? I never once brought it up to him. Now what I didn’t want to happen has. Novian now knew about him. No no no. Not now. Please not now. He couldn’t wait until we were done to call? Unknowingly my eyes had been shut tight the moment I heard Jake’s voice. I couldn’t even bring myself to look up at him. All of Novian’s movements had stopped in that moment also. I could feel as he sat me on my feet and took a step away. I was so close to tears and didn’t even know why. Was I crying because I hurt Jake? Or was it because I wasn’t near Novian anymore and my body was begging to be against his again? Begging for his attention.
“Who was that Hope?” He asked.
“WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?!” He yelled as a tear spilled over onto my cheek. I could hear the hurt in his tone as I flinched back. That was never my intention. I didn’t want to hurt him. Hell I didn’t even want to tell him because of this exact reason. “He’s you’re boyfriend isn’t he?” He asked. I only nodded my head too afraid of my own voice to speak as I finally opened my eyes to see the anger painted over his face. “Foolish of me to think that you’d actually wait. Pft. Why would you even kiss me knowing you had someone else?” That hurt. It was like he punch me in the gut with full force, but I couldn’t blame him. If be upset also.
“I did wait for you Novian. I spent eighteen months pining after you and nine months trying to get over you. Wondering if you were ever going to talk to me again. Wondering if you were ever going to come back. Wondering if everything you had ever said to me was a lie. Wondering what about me made you so disgusted to point that you just didn’t want me anymore. Wondering what about me disgusted you to the point where you felt it was okay for you to just disappear on me. I wanted to know everything and why it all happened. I spent countless nights asking myself thousands of questions. When did you fall out of love with me? When did you not want to be an us anymore? Why didn’t you want there to be an us anymore? When did you have time to think about it? Was it a spur of the moment action or were you planning it all from the start? Were you secretly taking back everything you ever gave me while I had no clue it was happening? Yet I was still stupid for you. Crying every night. Staring at my phone day in and day out just hoping I could get something as simple as a hi from you but nothing ever came and that’s on you. I wanted you Novian. I still wanted you even when you didn’t want me anymore. What did you expect? Was I just suppose to know what was going on in your mind when you stopped speaking to me? When you just fucking disappeared? Was I just suppose to keep waiting and waiting until you felt like coming back around. Novian I... I thought I was never going to see or hear from you ever again and I had to do what I thought was right. I had to move on and I won’t apologize for that. Not now. Not ever.” I was crying now. I hadn’t realized how hurt I was until the words started pouring out.
“I DON’T WANT YOU TO APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING HOPE! Especially when I’m the one to blame. I’m always the one to blame for these things between us. Hope I thought you fucking hated me! I know what I did was unforgivable by you. I knew that it wasn’t right when I did it. I fucking knew it and I still did it. I hurt you and I knew you hated me for it.” He spat back. “I fucking hated myself.”
“I NEVER HATED YOU NOVIAN! That’s the problem. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how much I fucking wanted to I just didn’t have it in me to hate you. It didn’t matter that you deserved it. That you had earned my hate honestly. I just couldn’t bring myself to hate you. I loved you too much and I probably still do, but I can’t because I have a boyfriend and he’s good to me. He was there for me when I was at my lowest. Loving you wouldn’t be and isn’t fair to him.” I cried sliding down the door and placing my head between my knees. The weight of my confession literally weighing me down. Was it possible to be in love with two people at once? How is that possible? Or was I never really over Novian to begin with and were only fooling myself into believing that I was? Was I forcing myself to believe I was in love with someone else so that not having him around would hurt a little less day by day?
“Stop crying Hope. Please stop. I’m not worth your tears or your love.” I knew that line and I knew it well. He said that to me every time before he left. I guess this was just another goodbye for him. A final one. This was all pointless. Everything. He shouldn’t have come over if he was just going to leave me again. He shouldn’t have messaged me if he was just going to leave me again. I wouldn’t have kissed him if I knew it was going to be pointless and in the end he was just going to leave. Sadly this time it was my fault. I was the one to blame. I should’ve spoken up about Jake before things got as far as they did. I shouldn’t have taken the initiative to kiss him without telling him. With a sigh and tears streaming down my face I scooted from in front of the door allowing him to make his quick getaway and leaving me alone in his dust. This was the person I was in love with. The one who ran away every time things became a bit to complicated for him. I was the same. I waited to hear the sound of the door open and close as he got further away from me,but was met by his hands wrapping around me as he pulled me closer to him. Was he holding me? Was he showing me some kind of affection while I was crying? The simple foreign gesture from him had me crying harder. After all this time he was finally doing the things I had pleaded for. What did this mean? Was he only doing this because he knew about Jake? Or was he trying to prove to me that he was indeed capable of change and still would be here despite if we were together or not? What did any of this mean? Did I truly still love him or did I love Jake more? I’ve never cried once in front of Jake and here I was bawling with snot bubbles in front of Novian. Why? Why was it so easier for me to just be myself in front of him and not Jake?
“Come on Hope stop crying.” He sighed actually sounding concern for me. “I’ll give you food if you stop.”
I couldn’t help the laugh that bursted from my lungs. He had caught me off guard saying something so unexpected and he knew it. I lifted my head to look at him with a small smile on the both of our faces. I probably shouldn’t have said what I said next,but I did it anyways. Like I said I knew right from wrong, but I just kept choosing wrong.
“I really missed you Novian. Don’t disappear on me again okay?” He smiled as he lifted his hands to my face using the pads of his thumbs to wipe away my tears. I hadn’t been this comfortable with someone in a while. I missed this.
“I don’t plan too Little H. I don’t want to lose you again either.” I smiled. It didn’t bypass me that he didn’t say whether he loved me still or not, but for now I was just going to let it slide. Besides I wasn’t sure if I was ready to hear the answer to that or not. Just in case it wasn’t the one I was hoping for. We still had time. Now that I had him back. It was going to be hard for him to leave me again. I wasn’t letting go that easily this time.
We sat there for a moment longer, before getting up to eat. I don’t know how long we were there but it was definitely long enough for us to have to warm up the food again. It felt good to just sit in silence and be in each other’s presence again.
“So Novian, can I ask you a question?” I blurted out as I drenched syrup over my pancakes, eggs and sausages before taking a giant gulp of orange juice. I was still tingling from our kiss and shaking from our argument, but there was still something I needed to know.
“Am I going to regret it if I say yes?” He smirked.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” I shrugged with a smirk of my own as I stuffed a forkful of food into my mouth.
“Fine. I’ll bite. What is it?”
“Were you upset about Jake? Or that I kissed you without telling you about him first?” I asked before taking another huge forkful into my mouth. Damn I was hungrier that usual.
“I do wish that you would have told me about him first, but I’m not upset about it nor do I regret it. The moment I saw you I wanted to do the same. I guess you just had more guts than I did too actually do so. As for being upset, it was more like I was caught off guard. There you were, here we were and then there he is. It was like a steel toed boot kicked me in my boner. I didn’t like it, but I had no choice besides to deal with it. It kind of settled us down anyways. Nice shirt by the way.” He said causing me to look down and see my nipples poking through. Do to my arousal a few moments ago they were still hard, but not to the point where they hurt. I rolled my eyes. Classic diversion.
“You’re such a pervert.” I laughed as I pushed his shoulder. It didn’t bother me that he brought up my nipples as means to change topic. I was pushing his limits to see just how much was he going to reveal and it was clear my window of truth was getting smaller and smaller. “So why now?” I blurted not quite ready to just give up.
“More questions I see.” He said sitting his fork down. Uh-oh. I had to act fast. He was trying irritated with me.
“Just one last one. Why now?”
“Care to elaborate on exactly what it is that you mean by that?” I waited for a smirk but what I got was more of a grimace. He was definitely starting to feel like he was being put on the spot. I knew I should leave it be and let him tell me when he was ready, but I suffered not knowing long enough.
“I mean why now. Why not years ago? Why not a few weeks ago or even a few months after you left?”
“I didn’t leave Hope you told me to go.”
“I didn’t tell you to leave my life Novian, I told you to just leave the apartment for awhile.” I spat getting fed up with the back and forth. Here we go again.
“Well you could’ve made that a bit more clear, because from where I’m standing I’m positive I was told to go. To get out and not come back.” The window was up. I could feel it, but I just couldn’t let it go. I did not spend twenty seven months of sulking over miscommunication. I needed answers and I needed them now.
“No Novian do not sit here and try to play the victim. I told you that I needed to be left alone for a minute and for you to leave me be for a little while. Not for you to run out on me and never come back.”
“No Hope you yelled at me to ‘leave’ and to ‘just go away’. You said that you hated me and that you never wanted to see me again. All I did was do as told.” He spat slamming his hand down on the table.
“I WAS MAD! I had literally just been punched in the gut and it was because of you. You know damn well what I meant. You were just looking for a way out because that’s what you do. That’s what you’ve always done.” I yelled. I begged my mouth to stop moving. Telling myself that this was going to far, but it just wouldn’t stop. Words kept pouring out of me like vomit and I couldn’t control it. “You left because you didn’t want me. You didn’t want to deal with me and my problems or the emotional scarring the death of my mom left on me. You hated me for not being who you thought you fell in love with. You never took a second to stop and see that the person you wanted was still there and all she needed from you was a bit of fucking compassion. You’re a fucking coward Novian. You always have been and you always will be.” I turned my back on him so he wouldn’t see that I was crying again. He didn’t deserve anymore of my tears and as much as I willed for them to stop they just wouldn’t. All of this was a mistake. I should’ve been calling Jake back begging him to come back so that we could figure things out. Pleading for him to just let me explain. I should’ve been making sure that he knew that my heart was with him and that Novian was no more. I should’ve been telling him to move in. That I was ready and was foolish to think otherwise. I should’ve been explaining about the pictures and why he caught me checking Novian’s activity, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t doing any of that because I was to busy arguing with my ex over what use to be. Why could I just get over it? Seeing him brought back everything that should’ve stayed burried. That needed to be forgotten.
I had to move on. I had to get Novian out of both my heart and mind. I had to let him know that all of this was unacceptable. That he couldn’t just pop back up and expect everything to go back as it was. Like he thought my life only revolved around him and him only. I had to get him to understand that it didn’t and he needed to understand it soon. I needed to kick him out of my apartment, pack a bag and go practically beg Jake for forgiveness.
“Hope-” called Novian interrupting my inner rant.
“Dont Hope me! Answer the question. Why now? Why the fuck-” I was cut off by his lips pressing roughly against mine. I could feel all that he wanted to portray. The anger. The passion. The hurt. The pain. The longing. The lust. The apologies. He pushed his body even closer against mines. This was the third time we were kissing and even though it was still just as wrong as the first one, it still felt all kinds of right.
It felt like I was suppose to be kissing him. It was like an understood notion that if we couldn’t say what we were ceeling we’d try to show it. It felt like he was the one made for me and I was the one that was made for him. We fit perfectly together in every way possible. He was the reason I sang every morning horribly offkey. He was the reason for my smile and when he wasn’t around I felt empty. When he left I never felt so lost before in my life apart from my mother dying. That was until i met Jake. When I met him it was like he lit this fire inside me all over again after it had been stomped out by a previous relationship after Novian. Granted it hadn’t been as bright as the one Novian lit, but he still managed to start the flame again.
This time the kiss didn’t wipe the thoughts of Jake from my mind. It made them worse. I was a horrible person for doing this to him and I couldn’t keep this going. I had to stop it now. Relunctantly I unraveled my arms from around his neck as I untangled my fingers from his hair. I didn’t want to, but I pushed him away separating both our lips and our bodies.
“I can’t Novian I have a boyfriend.” I mumbled barely above a whisper. From the look on his face it was clear he still heard me. I feared that he would call me out on how I didn’t care for that little fact at first, and I wouldn’t blame him if he did. It was definitely starting to feel like we were playing with each other’s emotions.
“Leave him Hope. Leave him and come back to me. I’m the one you love. I’m the one who deserves you and I promise to treat you like the queen you are. You keep asking why now and the answer is before I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed too until now. Little H not a day went by that I didn’t think of you or dream about you. Every day I was wishing I could see you one more time, hoping that I could hold you and kiss you, praying that I be allowed to hear your voice at least once more. Hope I... I love you. I’ve always loved you and there’s nothing that will change that. So fuck him. I’m where you belong and we both know that.” Before I could stop him his lips were on mines again. The kiss was heated and possesive and I didn’t like it one bit. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks and memories I tried my damnest to burry resurfaced. Before I knew it I was pulling away and my hand met his face in the loudest slap I’ve ever heard.
“Go! Leave! Get away! I never want to see you again.” My heart was broken. I couldn’t believe that everything I thought I wanted to hear only made me push him away harder. He said nothing as he headed towards the door looking defeated. Before he left he turn back towards me.
“Who’s the coward now Hope? Who’s the fucking coward now?” I tried not to break in front of him, but it was getting harder not too. He said nothing else as he opened the door and left. It felt like I couldn’t breathe as I gasped for air. Soon after I felt a pair of arms pulling me in to a tight embrace as sobs broke through my body until I was falling to my knees. From the scent I knew it was my bestfriend Destiny who also lived in the building.
“I can’t believe he’s back. I thought you would’ve told him, but it’s better that you don’t.” She whispered as she stroked my head. “You were doing so much better we’ll get you back there. It’s okay I got you. I got you.” I only clung to her tighter as I cried harder. I wish I could explain to him why I reacted the way I did, but now I was sure he was never going to want to talk to me again. Besides I wasn’t sure of he’d ne able to handle it.