I don’t know how long I spent on the floor in Destiny’s arm being rocked back and forth, but I do know it did little to nothing of actually comforting me. My mind kept rattling over everything that happened with Novian. Somethings had changed and others remained the same. Still I was grateful that she just sat there with me not asking any questions even though she didn’t have too. She knew us as well as we knew each other. For that moment I just really needed her to be there with me. To sit with me so that I wouldn’t be or feel alone. I had to keep reminding myself that being alone was a state of mind and not a feeling. Despite her being there for me whenever, somehow I still felt like I had no one there for me. Destiny had her moments too when she’d let her emotioms get the best of her and would cut me out for awhile. Still she was my best-friend. Slowly we gravitated from the floor to the bed. I don’t even remember us falling asleep. I don’t remember my phone ringing this morning. I definitely don’t remember answering and telling him it was okay for him to come back over. Yet here I was at nine o’clock in the morning staring face to face with Novian. The only thing I could remember about last night was the ringing silence surrounding me and then I wake up to this. To think I spent that hour in a towel staring to see if he was active for no reason.
“I come with a white flag. I brought two gigantic things of orange juice to sweeten the deal. They’re yours if I can come in.” He smiled as I opened the door, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all. It was clear that he had a rough night as well and I knew I was the reason for it. Or that our argument was. Besides I could guarentee that I looked no better. The few hours of sleep I managed to get was restless and filled wirh nightmares. My eyes felt swollen and I was too afraid to check and see by how much they actually were. I didn’t want to seem to self-conscious about how I looked even though my pajama bottoms and a tank top was a drastic change compared to yesterday’s short shorts and half shirt. Regardless of my attempts it seemed he could still see right through me. He looked at me as of I actually took time in my appearance.
“Don’t.” He started cutting me off. “Please just don’t kick me out. Just hear me out, okay? Whatever you do don’t turn me away because you’re afraid of what you think this means. I’m not here for yesterday. I’m here because of it. So don’t apologize. Especially not when it’s me that needs too. Don’t do anything that you’re thinking about doing and trust me I know a few things you want to do. I want the same but I promise you I’m just here to get my friend back. My friend that I desperately missed these passed few years. I mean yes I do want more with you, I would like for us to be together again, but I understand that’s a luxury that I just don’t have anymore. I have to deal with what I did to rip that luxury away, but please don’t take away a chance for us to just be friends again. I could live without you as my girlfriend, but I can’t live without you in my life. Not again. I want you for as long as I can have you. If this apology isn’t enough I have a plan b. I’ll make tacos for you. Does that help my case?” He said lifting up his hands in which held a least half a dozen grocery bags. I struggled not to laugh. Of course food would be his plan b, but it was the joke that food would help that had me ready to cave.
“Geez Hope throw the man a bone already! Besides I’m hungry!” Yelled Destiny from the other room causing me to burst into laughter. I had completely forgetten she was here, but I should’ve known that she would be eavesdropping the moment she heard his voice. Nevermind the mention of food.
“Is that Destiny?” He asked both surprised and excited. It was like he was anxious to see her. I never really did understand the kind of relationship they held. It was like a love/hate kind of thing. They got along to the point were it was almost like they were brother and sister especially when food was involved. At least to me he treated her like a little sister. She treated him with care and a bit of teasing. It was definitely one of the weirdest relationship I’ve ever seen, but it was no doubt that they cared about each other. When he left he hurt her just as much as he had hurt me.
“Yeah that’s her. I guess you can come in since she already knows that you’re here and because I don’t feel like cooking anything for her. Just keep what happened between us,at least for now.” I said and I hate that my heart practically began to beat out of my chest from the thought of him being here again despite how hard I tried to be nonchalant about it. Or maybe it was the memory of what happened yesterday. The big argument that caused my breakdown. Or our kiss that happened before he even made it over the threshold. The same one that happened up against the door with my legs wrapped around his waist. “Here let me help you with those.” I offered trying to clear the thought of said kiss from my mind. I didn’t needed a reenactment. Just the smell of his cologne had me wanting to kiss him again and the memory wasn’t helping. I already missed the way his lips molded against mines. The way his hands carressed my body. How his lips kissed me in a spot on he could touch. I groaned.
“That’s okay I can handle it.” He denied me.
“Novian please, just let me help you.” I said reaching out to grab one of those jugs of orange juice. I don’t know where he was shopping but those were definitely the biggest jugs of orange juice I had ever seen. Before I knew it I was being engulfed in a tight embrace. I sighed in content before wrapping my arms around him and hugging him back. It was a hug that I hadn’t noticed I needed until it was already happening. Everything about him was like a magnetic pull that I struggled endlessly to get away from. Despite our ups and down and confusing emotions being around each other again brought upon I couldn’t deny that I missed this. I felt safe in his arms. I felt safe with him. I knew he would never intentionally hurt me, but unintentionally he was a jerk.
“It’s been fifteen minutes already how in the hell are the two of you not making it past the threshold?” Teased Destiny with a laugh causing us to jump apart. I shook my head not really surprised that it was still as easy as it was back then to get caught up in the moment with him. Even something as simple as a hug made everything else disappear. Being with him made it seem like nothing else apart from us mattered. When we touched it was like time stopped and everything around us disappeared. If I’m being honest I know I have never experienced a time stopping moment like that with Jake. With him I was always in my head. Constantly thinking about everything else but our kiss. With Novian nothing mattered apart from the way our lips molded together. Little things like that makes me feel like I’m only with Jake out of obligation and that’s not fair to either of us. Other times I truly believe that I’ve fallen in love with him, but its barely been seven months for us so I’m not really to sure how I truly feel about him just yet. Is it even possible to be head over heels for someone in just seven months? I mean I fled to him because of a different situation. He was safe and he helped me get back some of who I initially were. Do I love him or am I confusing feeling safe for being in love. Regardless I needed to sort things out with Novian before I could truly decide. To do that I have to be truthful with him and that meant being completely honest. Not just telling him only what I thought he could handle.
“Destiny can you give us a minute to talk? You can start cooking.” I sighed. I guess it was now or never and the last thing I needed was Destiny butting in and making things that much harder.
“Yeah. I feel like I need to.” I confessed.
“Alright. I’m right in here if you need me.” She said as they lugged everything to the kitchen. I sat on the couch my legs shaking trying hard to maintain the tears. I never really spoke about what happened with anyone before. This would be my first time actually admitting that it happened to anyone. My stomach was twisting in knots I was so nervous. I didn’t want him to think of me as stupid or weak, but I also didn’t want to see the side of him that scared the hell out of me. I’ve seen it once before and it wasn’t pretty. What I’m about to tell him definitely would bring out that side. Soon he came and sat next to me. He looked so concern and before I could utter a single word the tears I tried desperately to hold back came spilling out; and then the words were just pouring out of me.
“I lied to you yesterday Novian and I’m so sorry. I just don’t want you to look at me like I’m fragile or something because I’m not, I was hurting and I wasn’t in the right state of mind to fight back. I didn’t want you to know and you coming back just brings it all back for me. For months I hated myself because of what happened. Last night I freaked out on you and that wasn’t fair to you at all. When I pushed you away it wasn’t you that I saw...it was someone else. Someone that was so possesive that he instilled this fear inside me for awhile and every now and then it resurfaces.” I stopped to allow myself to breathe and let what I already said register with him. He wasn’t stupid and I knew that he’d be able to put the clues together.
“For how long?” He asked through clenched teeth his fists balled up. I could feel the negative energy floating around him as he stuggled to contain himself. He was seething with anger and I feared what he would do if he knew the rest. I almost ran and locked myself in my room to hide, but I knew it wouldn’t be right. He had a right to know.
“It was a few months after everything that I met him. He seemed so genuinely sweet and caring at first and we had a lot in common or so I thought. He was using my emotions against me. The first month or so everything was alright. It wasn’t like being with you, but it was something. I was beginning to see positive things again. I was thinking positive again. I guess I became too complacent with him. It was clear that I still missed you and I just wanted to talk to you. Tell you everything that I needed to tell you. Well one day he caught me looking at our old pictures and he lost it. Yelled about how I was cheating on him and that I was no good for anyone. That no one would want a slut like me. He called me so many names I had never been called before, but nothing was compared to what he did.” I paused again trying to wipe away the endless stream of tears from my eyes.
“What did he do Hope?” He asked his body now visibly shaking.
“He hit him. Closed fist and hard. He actually knocked me unconscious for awhile. I was stunned when I realized what happened. Still I stayed. Sometimes I found myself calli g out for you to help.” I breathed.
“For how long Hope?” Silence. This was the part were the judgement usually started. I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t want him to judge me. “Little H, how long did this happen for?” He asked. He looked like he wanted to cry while beating someone to a pulp. I didn’t want to make things worse, but since I had gotten this far I knew he wasn’t going to let it go.
“About six months.” I whispered brokeningly.
“Why? Why did you stay so long? Did you ever tell anyone?”
“No I didn’t. You have to understand Novian, I thought it was what I deserved. I thought that it was my comeuppance and that I still had more to come. I believed it was all my fault and that I deserved everything he was giving me.”
“Is there more Hope? What all did he do? What aren’t you telling me?” He begged.
“I’ve had bruises everywhere. A broken arm. Once I had a broken leg...” I stopped. At first I thought it was because I couldn’t say it, but I knew once the words were out hell would break loose. The side of him that scared me would break free from his cage and I’m not sure I would be able to calm him afterwards. No one would just forget something like this and go back calm without staking a vengeance.
“Hope what else is there? What the hell aren’t you telling me?” He yelled his body shaking with barely contained anger, but his eyes were pleading with me for the truth. He was panicking, on the edge of sanity barely in control. I knew he thought I was going to say he almost killed me, but what he did was so much worse.
“He hit me because he found out I was pregnant. He hit me because of the pictures. He hit because I was almost five months pregnant Novian and..... And the baby was yours. I was just starting to show and he freaked.” Things happened in a flash and I couldn’t stop them even if I wanted too. I sat there frozen in fear as I stared at the hole in my wall about the size of my head. Tears were free falling down my cheeks as Novian yelled obscenities and Destiny pleaded for him to calm down. She sounded as if she was in tears, but still kept going. The sound of bare knuckles repeatedly hitting dry wall had me stuck. Glued to my seat. There was ringing in my ears as I felt all the air leaving my lungs and then a voice I never thought I’d hear again floated towards me.
Babygirl I’m back and I can’t wait to see you again. I know you missed your Ronaldo. Remember Hope, you’ll always belong to me and I’ll always find you.
The apartment went quiet as I sat there in complete shock. The door slammed closed and moments later opened again.
“I’m staying here tonight Hope and I don’t want to hear anything about.” There was an edge in his tone that made me want to clamp my mouth shout. I knew better than to argue. Ronaldo had made sure of that.
I didn’t have much of an appetite after Novian stomped away after claiming he needed a walk to calm down so I just went and laid in my bed. I feared what he would do out there on his on, but I needed to be alone for awhile. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be chasing after him in hopes of calming him down enough so he wouldn’t do something stupid and/or dangerous. Everything was going wrong. Jake wasn’t answering any of my calls. I couldn’t be mad at him since I understoood. I’d be mad also if I found out someone I cared for was still pining for someone else despite her denials. It had been a few hours since I came to lye here and Novian was still gone. No one walks for that long. He was probably standing out in front of the building asking every guy that passed him for their name. On top of it all Ronaldo wouldn’t stop calling the phone. It grew so bad that at some point Destiny thought it best to just unplugged the phone. I don’t know why I never bothered to change my number after all this time, but I just couldn’t bring it within me to change the number I’ve had all of my life. The only upside to this all was that Novian had put his number in my cellphone before he left. We finally had each others numbers again. Still my life was an never ending cycle of drama and whoever was around me became included in that drama. All these years of consistent drama over and over again and still nothing has change. I believed that having Novian back would make this all a little easier, but I had been wrong. I hadn’t noticed that I’d been crying until I tasted the saltiness of my tears on my lips. I hated this. I hated all of this.
“Little H?” Came a voice followed by a soft knock. I turned only to come eye to eye with Novian. He looked calmer, but he was covered in blood. My eyes shot wide open as I practically ran over to him.
“What the hell happen to you? What did you do?!” I cried jumping up to inspect him closer.
“Don’t worry Hope it’s not mines.” He laughed but it was clear there was no humor in his tone at all.
“That doesn’t make me feel any better Novian. I don’t like you being out there fighting. Anything can happen and I don’t want to lose you again.” I spat shoving him before going to sit back on my bed.
“Who is this?” He asked abruptly following behind me. I turned to see him holding his phone up. There was a picture of Ronaldo sitting there in handcuffs. I gasped as I stared at him.
“Y-you... How?” I whispered.
“He actually found me. The idiot was drunk at a gas station. I was on my way to get you some confort foods and your favorite movies to make you feel better. So, I’m standing in the candy aisle trying to decide between chocolate or fruity and then I hear a ‘hey’. I’m like ‘do I know you’ he goes ‘no, but I know you. Hope is mines so stay the fuck away.’ Then it clicked who he was and I lost it. Greatest part the cops were already called on him for whatever, but when they got there all witnesses said he attacked me. I decided not to press charges. It would’ve been pointless anyways. He already had a warrant out for his arrest. Novian tried to put on a calm face, but I could tell he was still seething with anger. It took me months to get over it myself. “I got all the snacks for free though. Clerk said it was a thanks for giving that man what he deserved. Pft. Destiny got away with them a few minutes ago. She locked herself away in the guest room. Still had to pay for the movies though.” He said holding up three of my most favorite childhood movies. I couldn’t help but laugh before running into his arms and kissing him with everything I had. It didn’t matter how many times I thought about us being together it seemed to always be a reason not to be.
“I love you. I love you so much Novian that it aches for me to have to be without you.” I blurted fresh tears coming to my eyes upon my confession. This was the right thing to do. He couldn’t get hurt because of me. I wouldn’t allow it.
“I love you too Hope-”
“And that’s why we can’t be.” I said interrupting him. “I can’t establish myself with you around. I can’t be me because all I think about...all that I’m consumed with is you and you only. Whenever you are around Novian I make my world revolve around yours and I’m not blaming you, but that’s not a healthy thing for me to be doing. I need to be able to find myself with....without you-”
“You had three years without me how-”
“And I spent those years trying to find another you or someone that was at least half of who you were and look where that got me. An abusive ex and someone who is trying to make me move ahead for something that I know I’m not ready for. That same someone who disappears every time we hit a little bump in the road and I can’t keep doing this to myself. I just can’t do it anymore.”
“No Novian it’s my fault. It’s always will be my fault. I knew that our relationship wasn’t stable enough...that I wasn’t stable enough to even bring up your name and now here you are. You’re standing here with me. We’re face to face and all I want to do is be with you. To rip your clothes off and spend the rest of the night making love to you, but I can’t. I can’t because I have a boyfriend and just from the mere thought of what I want to do with you should be enough to say that I’m already cheating. I shouldn’t even be thinking about you in this way Novian and we both know-” before I could finish my statement his lips were pressed up against mines. I didn’t bother to fight it. This was what I wanted. What we both wanted and we knew it. There was no need to fight it anymore. No need to deny it or find an excuse not to. I wrapped my arms around his neck as his found their way around my waist. Both of us trying desperately to push our bodies even closer than they already were. I could feel as his tongue licked the bottom of my lip eagerly asking for access in which I quickly complied. He pulled away pressing our foreheads together. At some point my eyes managed to flutter close. I was feelings things I hadn’t felt since he left and I wasn’t too sure I was ready to let him go, but I knew that I had too. I wasn’t ready for the overload of emotions that came with him. I’d been on autopilot too long now to be able to deal with these things correctly.
“I love you too much to lose you Hope, not again, but if you really believe that I make things harder for you than I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me to go. If you do that I will leave. I will go and I promise I won’t come back until you ask me too. The last thing I want to do is make anything challenging for you. The last thing I want is to make you feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to hurt you in anyway at all. Hope if you want me to go just tell me too and don’t say it if it’s not what you really mean. I’ll know the difference. I always do.”
I opened my mouth to say it. Everything within me yelled to just say what I was feeling, but I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t utter the words that I knew needed to be said. Words that I knew would help me to feel better, but I just couldn’t do it. It was like I lived for the drama. I wanted Novian to stay here, but I needed him to be somewhere else.
“You weren’t here Novian. I needed you more than ever and you just weren’t here. You didn’t even bother to check in. You just left and didn’t bother to even look back to see if I was following behind you. Did I not matter to you? Were you that tired of me that you found a way out and that was it?”
“I WAS IN JAIL HOPE! DAMN IT I WAS IN JAIL!” All words floated from my mind leaving me speechless. Jail? Why was he in jail? Did I really want to know? Could I handle the extra drama right now? Knowing my answer I took a deep breath wiping the tears away before slowly placing my lips against his. I threw everything I was feeling into that kiss. Regardless of it all I still wanted this. I still wanted him.
I don’t know how we ended up here, but we did. The kiss never broke as my back hit the plush duvet on my bed. There were no words needed to be said. We already knew where this was headed. Our bodies were perfectly aligned in perfect sync. Piece by piece our clothes fell to the floor. He was kissing in all spots nobody but him seemed to be able to ignite with a single touch. Moans rang throughout the room as he kissed down my body leaving a tingling trail. He looked beautiful with his shoulder length hair framing his face since it was no longer in it’s ponytail. He leaned up giving me one more intense kiss before disappearing between my legs. I gasped with pleasure the moment his tongue touched my core. My senses heightened with every move he made. With every touch I felt. I could feel his breath on my core, his hands on my body and my hands in his hair. I wanted to please him. I wanted him to feel all of the things he was making me feel. I was consumed in my moans as his tongue began to work me faster. The familiar feel of the tightening in my stomach began to build until it became more of a need. I kept telling myself to just hold on a little while longer, but my body was screaming to just let go. With a high pitched scream I orgasmed in a way that had my back arching, toes curling and body shaking.
Not once had I ever had a climax that intense before. The thought barely registered before I was flipping us over and had my mouth wrapped around his girth. I’ve never been shy with a penis in my mouth, well with his in my mouth. I bobbed down as far as I could allowing my hand to massage what I couldn’t fit, but I was going to try. Taking a deep breath and relaxing my throat I slid down his shaft until I could feel his pubes tickling my nose. My hands were groping his balls, massaging and kneading them until he grabbed the back of my head and began to thrust forward with a vengeance. I was choking and slobbing all over him, but I didn’t dare tell him to stop until I could feel his white hot liquid running down my throat. I was heaven and I knew there was still more to come.
A small squeal passed my lips as I was lifted to my feet again and laid on the bed. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew there was no real words to sum up everything I wanted to say to him. I mean the say actions do speak louder than words. For a moment we just stared at each other completely enhanced in one another. My hands tangled themselves in his hair as he positioned himself comfortably on top of me.
“Ready?” He asked his breath labored and his voice no louder than a whisper. For a moment Jake passed through my mind. Could I really do this to him? I hadn’t had sex since Ronaldo because he had ruined it for me. I knew Jake wanted to but he didn’t want to feel like he was pressuring me. If I did this Novian would be the first in over a year. It’ll be like my first time all over again. Luckily my first time was with Novian and he made it everything I’d always remember and more. I smiled as I nodded my head before pulling him down to me and connecting our lips once again. The moment I felt him entering me I wrapped my arms tighter around his neck. I wanted to scream from the slight pain not having sex for more than a year caused, but I was filled with pleasure from the sensation of his lips on mines. He pushed in deeper and deeper until he was in to the hilt. His movements stopped as he kissed me deeper. I could feel him pulling out inch by inch before slamming back into me repeatedly. I screamed as my nails raked down his back.
His thrusts were so rough and hitting so deep that I found myself screaming out his name. My words were so lewd that I was making myself wetter as they hit my ears.
“Oh daddy yes. Fuck yes. I missed this sooo much. Fuck me!” I yelled as he complied. His thrusts got harder as he began kissing on me in all the right spots.
“Fuck! Fuck Novian harder!” I screamed as he threw my legs over his shoulders driving into me deeper. I was at a lost for words as both my moans and screams muddled together. He was going to be combing out strands of hair for weeks with the grip I held.
“Oh my- Novian I’m about to c-c-c-uuuuuuuuuuummmmmmm!” I screamed as another powerful orgasm wrecked through me. I didn’t even care that we weren’t using any protection. I was on cloud nine moments away from losing my voice and what little bit of sanity I had left. He threw my legs down and flipped me over. Half my body was off the bed as he thrusted into me again. I could feel his hand on my waist as the other repeatedly smacked my ass. I was so close to another orgasm.
“Yes baby. Fuck me. Fuck me harder. Fuck me like you missed me. Yes. Yes. Yes.” I screamed my body spasming as yet another orgasm took over me. I could tell he was getting close. His movements were speeding up. His grips were growing tighter. His grunts were almost inaudible and then I felt it. I screamed as the most intense orgasm of the night shook me just as he filled me with his sperm. I couldn’t speak. I could barely move. I moved further up on the bed and gestured for him to come lay with me. We were barely under the covers before I laid on his chest and fell asleep in his arms. I knew that this was were I was suppose to be and nothing would change my mind.
I was woken up to the feeling of kisses being placed between my shoulder blades as his fingers went between my folds. I threw my head back as I tried to hold in my moans. His thumb and pointer finger was teasing my little bud in all the right places. How could such simple actions leave you so wet. Cause you to be so lusting. It wasn’t too long before the fog was back and I found myself lifting my leg up to allow him entrance to my core once again. When we first started having sex both of us laying on our sides seemed to be my favorite position. It was good to see that things hadn’t changed.
He grabbed my leg lifting it higher as he pushed in full force without warning.
“Noviaaaaannnnn!” I screamed not caring that it was late and the neighbors definitely could hear as my body arched against his.
“I love you Hope. I love you so much.” He breathed before I felt his teeth sink into the most sensitive spot I had between my shoulder and neck as his speed increased. I cried out in pure ecstasy as the most overwhelming, mind-blowing orgasm shooked me. I laid there just breathing as I tried to stop myself from floating. Flipping us over I sat on top him allowing his shaft to enter me fully. Bouncing slowly on him I grabbed his hands and let them massage and grope at my breasts. He was so deep this way and I was loving it so much I almost forgot my initial plan. I rode him faster, bouncing harder and harder until the words I wanted to hear finally rung out.
“Fuck Hope.” He grunted. “I’m about to come.” I stopped my movements and went down licking the length of his shaft before my mouth found his balls. Without hesistation I sucked them in using my hand to stoke him. “Fuck!” He yelled. I could feel his balls tigthening on the tip of my tongue. I smiled as I licked my way up his shaft again before bobbing my head up and down as fast as I could. “Fuck Hope don’t stop. Don’t. Stop.”
Turning my body so that we were in a sixty-nine position I screamed the moment I felt his lips clamp onto my bud. I was far more sensitive than I had ever been. It didn’t take long before we were cumming into each others mouths. I couldn’t help the smile that was on my face as I turned to face him again. He kissed me sending waves and waves of electricity through me. I was so glad that we did this and I wouldn’t change it or take it back for all the money in the world.
“Let’s go eat some tacos. I’m starving!” I said jumping up happily causing him to fall off the bed from laughing so hard. I rolled my eyes as I left and went to the kitchen. Destiny sat there with a knowing smile.
“Wash your hands before you touch anything.” She blurted before bursting into laughter. I rolled my eyes. I hated them. I need new friends. “And you might want to get the cum off your cheek also. I mean unless you like your food a bit saltly that is.” My mouth dropped as I heard Novian laughing again. They were laughing because I had cum on my face.
After we ate Novian left and said that he would be back either tomorrow or the following day because he had somethings to take care of. Not going to lie I did wonder what kind of ‘things’ it was, but it wasn’t my business. Still I didnt want him to leave, but I thought it was best for us to have a moment apart. To see if earlier changed anything between us. Did we truly want to give each other another chance? Or were we just too caught up in our lust to see it clearly? We needed clear head space to think and being away from each other was the best we were going to get. He gave me a kiss goodbye and it took everything I had to keep from taking him back into my room for some more fun. Or simply just laying on top of him so he couldn’t get away. Once he was gone I went back into the kitchen to get some more to eat. I wasn’t even hungry anymore, but I felt this void that needed to be filled. Most times food felt like the best option to fill it with.
“Was it worth it?” Asked Destiny sitting across from me drinking my orange juice from a glass. I narrowed my eyes at her as she simple shrugged me.off and continued drinking.
“I don’t know what your talking about.” I shrugged finishing off yet another taco. “And I don’t remember you asking for that.”
“Because I didn’t and I call bullshit. I heard everything and now your eating your weight in tacos.” She spat narrowing her eyes at me. “So do you regret it Hope?”
“Do you wish it happened under different circumstances?”
“Is this about Ronaldo?”
“Ahh. So this is about Jake? Don’t you dare start crying on me again your face is already swollen to the size of a grapefruit.”
“Geez Destiny. Thanks for that.” I already rolling my eyes at her and getting up. I was pretty sure I had some doritos around here somewhere and nachos seemed befitting for the moment.
“I’m sorry. I thought you already talked to him.”
“He wouldn’t answer.” I mumbled as I finished fixing my food. A mountain of nachos definitely was making me smile as I poured myself a giant cup of orange juice and sat back at the table. Destiny looked like she was going to be sick before shaking it off and going back to her interrogation.
“So what’s the problem then?” She asked.
“I left him a voicemail and now that I think about I don’t believe I meant what I said on them. Well I did when I said it, but I think I only said it out of fear. I really don’t think I ever meant any of it that I said to him and that’s the problem. I realize now that I’ve just been putting a pause on furthering our relationship simply because deep down I always hope that Novian would come back. Until then I didn’t want to be alone so I kept Jake around to keep me warm and now I feel like an asshat for it.”
“Well what did you say?”
“Well I was convinced that Novian and I needed to just stay away from each other. It seemed like endless drama between the two of us and I wanted it to stop. I can’t handle anymore of it and I was going to end things once and for all. I needed to tell him that he had to go and that I never wanted to see him again. He was out on what I thought was a search for Ronaldo, but turns out he was trying to do something nice for me. Can you believe it. I’m thinking the worst of him and he’s trying to make me feel better?While waiting to come back I called Jake several times. When he didn’t answer for the sixth time I took a deep breath and spoke. I told him that Novian was just a thing of the past. That I had moved on and was with him now. That I wanted him and only him and nothing would change that. I told him that I loved him. That I missed him and that I was going crazy without him here. Destiny I practically begged for him to hurry back and come home. Told him that we could live together if that was what he really wanted. I told him we could finally try having sex because I was ready for the next step. Destiny I was talking to Jake, but it was all things that I wanted to say to Novian. It always things that I want to say to Novian that I find myseld saying to someone else.” I pushed my plate away from me no longer having an appetite as I laid my head on the table. “I told him I wanted a future with him Destiny, that I was ready for one. Everything I said was essentially the truth. It just wasn’t meant for him.”
“Wow Hope, you are an asshat.” She shrugged.
“Oh fuck you NeNe! I’m being serious here. Jake is a nice guy. A really great guy and after dating that abusive asshole he was exactly what I needed to get back to who I was. Despite how nice he is, he’s moving entirely to fast for my liking. We’ve only been together a little under seven months and he wants shit to happend that usually take people years to decide and plan for. I don’t know if I want any kids after what happened with Ronaldo, I can’t go through that again and I’ll always feel guilty for not being able to protect that one. At least not right now. Not while that one is still fresh in my brain. I’m not ready for marriage either. Hell, I still work in retail while taking courses online until I figure out what it is that I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m just indecisive about everything right now....especially Novian. Right now is just not a good time for everything Jake wants and I’m not ready for it either.”
“Have you told him this any of this?”
“I’ve tried a thousand time I just can never seem to be able to get the right words out.” I admitted dreading the question I knew she would ask next.
“Why is that?” She asked as I sighed.
“I knew that if I did it was a chance he would leave me. He would find someone else that wanted everything he wanted in the same time frame that he did.”
“And I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted someone to be with me until I could build up the courage within myself to contact Novian. Until I could forgive him for what happened.”
“But he was in jail and I had no clue about it. I don’t even know why and even though I forgave him I never forgave myself for letting him go. For letting him walk away without checking on him even once.”
“What do you mean keep going? There isn’t anymore to keep going about.”
“Keep. Going. Hope.”
“About what?” I spat feeling frustrated.
“Hope....think about it.” She sighed. I could see the pain in her eyes. This was just as hard for her as it was for me, but I didn’t want to think about it yet along speak on it. Not yet. “Hope...think about it.” She repeated.
“THINK ABOUT WHAT DESTINY?!” I cried as my restraint came crumbling down. The guilt beginning to consume me. “THINK ABOUT WHAT? ABOUT HOW I SAT HERE CALLING HIS PHONE OVER AND OVER AND NEVER GOT AN FUCKING ANSWER. ABOUT HOW MY DAD WAS IN THE HOSPITAL DYING FROM A HORRIFIC CAR CRASH AND IF I WAS THERE HE WOULD HAVE FOUGHT A LITTLE HARDER TO LIVE. ABOUT HOW I BLAMED NOVIAN FOR EVERYTHING BECAUSE I HAD NO WAY TO GET THERE AND HE WAS SOMEWHERE GETTING HIMSELF LOCKED UP. I HATED HIM FOR YEARS AND HE WAS SOMEWHERE IN A JAIL CELL. I HATED HIM BECAUSE I WAS SELFISH AND ONLY THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF AND WHAT I WAS LOSING. I NEVER GAVE ONE SINGLE THOUGHT TO HIM AND WHY. WHY COULDN’T I THINK THAT HE HAD A LEGIT REASON FOR NOT ANSWERING THAT ONCE EVEN THOUGH HE ALWAYS DID? WHY COULDN’T I GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT? WHY AM I LIKE THIS? HOW CAN I CLAIM THAT I LOVE SOMEONE AND NOT KNOW THAT HE NEEDED MY HELP? WHY DIDN’T I KNOW THAT HE WAS IN JAIL? AND WHY WAS HE IN THERE?” I yelled tears streaming down my cheeks. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. All this time I hated him and blamed him for my father’s death and he was in trouble and felt like he couldn’t reach out to me.
“Because I was the one driving the car that killed your father.” Came a voice from behind me. I turned around to see a solemn looking Novian as my entire being broke once his words registered in my mind.
I took another sip from the glass of juice in my hand as I tried to calm my nerves. Where the hell was Novian and why wasn’t he answering his phone? We had to get to dinner with my dad in less than an hour and he still wasn’t here. I sighed as I tried calling him again.
You have reached...
“Ugh!” Trying hard not to cry I dailed again. Voicemail again. Sighing I left a message. “Um...Novian it’s me...Hope. Well that was stupid. Of course you already know it’s me. Anyways where in the hell are you? I’m starting to get worried. You were suppose to be here an hour ago.” Another sigh. “Look just call me back. If you do I’ll tell you the big surprise then. I promise you’ll love it. Just call me back ok? I love you.”
*an hour later*
“Okay Novian now I’m really getting scared. You usually answer my calls or immediately call me back if you missed one and you haven’t done either. Where are you? Look we already missed dinner with dad. I’m not mad. Just please....please just call me back and at least me know that you are okay. Alright. I’m worrying myself sick. So just let me know that you’re okay?”
*Another hour later*
I sat on the edge of my bed just staring at my phone. I wanted to call him again, but I knew that I basically filled his inbox with voice messages. I practically drunk my weight in water and orange juice from worrying so much and it was probably for nothing. I already called Dad a few hours back and he was going to meet us here for the surprise. Speak of he should be here by now. I should call Novian again. Maybe he’s listening to all the voicemails and...
I looked at my phone to see an incoming call from an unknown number. Hopefully it was Novian telling me his phone had been stolen or was dying or something and that’s why he wasn’t answering. Or that he ran out of gas practically im the middle of nowhere and had to walk a few miles back for gas and forgot his phone im the car. Whatever the case I just hoped that he was okay.
“Hello?” I answered shakily.
“Hello, this is Nurse Jackson from TradeInks Hospital. Can I please speak with Hope Evans?”
“This is she.”
“Oh. Well Ms.Evans I called because we couldn’t get ahold of your mother-”
“Step-mother.” I interrupted instantly wanting to slap myself. I shouldn’t have interrupted her it just became a habit whenever someone confused that lady.for my mother.
“Right. Well we couldn’t get ahold of her and we don’t have a way of verifying your father’s insurance. We can’t opperate on him until we can verify. We cam try and keep him stable until we can get someone but the sooner someone gets here the better. Would it be possible for you come down?”
“Um...can we do it over the phone I really don’t have the means for transportation right now.”
“I’m sorry Ms.Evans, but this has to be done in person and as soon as possible. The chance that he could die is rising if we don’t hurry.”
“Alright. I’ll find a way.” I hung up the phone and tried calling Novian again. Nothing.
*thirty minutes later*
“Novian where the hell are you?! I need to get to the hospital to help dad. Where are you?! Can you please hurry up and get here. Please?!”
*an hour later*
“Novian I swear hate you. I could’ve saved him if only you had been here. Where the fuck are you. I could’ve been there with him right now. I could’ve at least been able to say goodbye. This is your fault. All of it your fault and I’ll never ever forgive you for this. Goodbye Novian. Forever.”
“N-no it’s not p-possible. T-they said there was n-no driver in the other car.” I stuttered finding it hard to stay on my feet. I couldn’t breathe as images of him bursting through the door covered in his own blood raced through my mind. I could hear him begging for me to just let him explain, but I wouldn’t hear it. I just screaming for him to go.
“I ran from the scene. Hope I didn’t know it was Dad I promise you I didn’t.”
“Did you call the police after the accident? Did you attempt to call for help? Did you even check to see if the other person was alive or needed some help?” I asked my heart pleading for him to say he did, but I already knew the truth. I stared at him watching as all the emotions he was feeling flashed before his eyes and then I seen it. He was actually going to stand here and lie to me. “You didn’t did you? You never called for help. What kind of monster are you to just flea from a crime scene and not even call it in?”
“I was trying to get to you Hope. You were worried sick and you had that doctor’s appointment earlier that day. I assumed the worst from the many phones calls and you were all I could think about.”
“Don’t you dare! Don’t you dare try to make this about me as if somehow this was my fault! I was here! I was here waiting for you so that we could meet him for dinner and I could tell you both the news, but YOU, YOU were the one running late not ME. If you had just been here on time like you were supposed to be MY DAD WOULD FUCKING BE HERE RIGHT NOW!” I could feel hot tears running down my cheeks. I was pissed right now. I was so angry that there just wasn’t enough words in the hundreds of languages to describe by how much. “Despite what you want to say YOU TOOK MY FATHER FROM ME NOVIAN! YOU DID THAT NOBODY ELSE!”
“I spent three years in a jail cell thinking it was fault. Blaming myself for his death and believing I deserved the hate I caused from you. Three years I was in hell before I was finally aquitted of all charges. You want the truth. Your father ran into me Hope. His car hit the one I was in. It wasn’t my fault and no one is going to tell me otherwise.” He spat causing me to narrow my eyes at him.
“If you had just been here when you supposed to have been we’d been eating dinner by the time the crash would’ve happened and it wouldn’t have happened at all. Like I said...if it wasn’t for you I’d still have my father. If it wasn’t for you I’d still have my child. YOU ruin us. YOU ruined everything.” I spat anger and hatred fueling my words with a venemous impact. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. I wanted him to blame himself in the same way that I did for all those years and still do. I wanted him to know all that he had taken away from me and I wanted him to feel what I felt Every. Single. Day.
“Dammit Hope!” He yelled punching the wall causing me to practically jump out of my skin. “Why do you keep doing this? I didn’t come back to continue playing this back and forth game with your ass. Either you want to be with me or you don’t. There’s nothing else to talk about. Legally I was found not guilty off of video evidence. So cut the blame game. Look, I miss him too. He was always more of a father figure to me than my own useless father, but I will not stand here and let you ridicule and blame me. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I’VE BEEN THROUGH THESE PAST THREE YEARS AND FOR SOME REASON THE ONLY THINK I COULD FUCKING THINK ABOUT WHEN I WASN’T BLAMING MYSELF WAS YOU! YOU HOPE AND NOBODY ELSE! THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME?! YOU TREAT ME LIKE I’M SOME KIND OF MONSTER. Let me tell you something; We are the same. THE. EXACT. SAME. The both of us are cut from the same cloth. So whatever picture you try to paint of me make sure you paint a matching one of yourself. Because I’m here baby. I’m here and I’M trying to fight, but YOU, you’re the one continuously making any excuse you can think of to keep pushing me away. Baby if your boyfriend couldn’t stop you from taking my hot load down your throat and between your legs nothing will. You want me. You want me just as bad as I want you. You claim you hate me, but I bet the only thing you’re thinking about is how much of my dick can you fit down your throat.”
I stood there open-mouthed from shock at his outburst and gut punches as I slowly cowered away from him. He had always been quick tempered but never with me. I guess it goes to show you never really know someone.
“You know what Novian?” I asked tears still streaming endlessly from my eyes. “I never been more content with my decision to give my baby boy up for adoption than I am now. You aren’t ready to be a father and you damn sure won’t be anything for me again ever. Now get the hell out my house.” I turned my back towards him as my sobs shook my body. Seconds later I heard the door slam behind me. I broke down to my knees. I didn’t know it was possible for someone to break so many times in one day.