I am bewildered. Shocked. Confused. Stunned. Lost for words.
Name every synonym of the word shocked in the dictionary. That's what I'm feeling right now.
I heard her clearly. She just said she's going to live here with me. I'm beyond words I couldn't even think how to respond to that.
Different scenarios began to play in my mind. She's going to boss me around my room. I would end up cooking for her. She would make me do all the cleaning, washing, mopping and everything else. While she, on the other hand, would sit on my sofa watch animes and cartoons, probably including barbies and mickey mouse. I would be sleeping on the couch while she take my bed and sleep there like a queen just as much as her name means. I shuddered at my thoughts. This can't be happening.
Oh come on! This shouldn't happen! I'm going to get crazy if she does.
You see, when we were younger, I kind of spoiled her rotten. What am I supposed to do? She was scary as hell but she's also the sweetest person I've ever met. I told you before that she's tough right? But when no one's around us, that's when she'd breakdown. She would throw a fit or a tantrum or whatever you call it and she would cry. So whenever that happens, I'll go my way to give her everything that might comforts her. I would do things to make her laugh. Anything that would cheer her up.
As her bestfriend, you can't expect me to just sit there and watch her while she cry her eyes out. I couldn't even bear seeing her get hurt. And I told myself that I would never cause her any pain. Because she's my queen and I'm her King. That's what I promised her when we were young. Yep, way back when we were young. Naive and looking stupid with nose all red and puffed from all the crying. When all we thought was that the world was one block wide.
"Are you kidding?" Finding my voice after collecting my thoughts.
"No, I'm Cassiopeia" She said with a smug. I dead panned. Seriously?
Moments later, she giggled. That's when I knew, she's messing with me. Why did I never learned my lesson from all the trips and pranks she pulled on me?
How many times should she really messed up with me today? This woman!
But wait a second!
I watched her again intently and as if on cue, a voice whispered to me that she just done an impossible.
This morning, I found little Missy here on the ledge of my terrace. Feet dangling dangerously while crouching. A little stumble and she would plunge to her death considering the floor my room was located. The height didn't stopped her from standing up and walked tip toed.
That's it! How come I didn't noticed it before? How did she do it?
As far as my memory can remember, she has a phobia. An acrophobia to be exact. The fear of heights.
I recalled the incident where I first knew this side of her.
It was during the Christmas vacation when we were in third grade. We were on our way to the mall together with our few friends from school and we're accompanied by two adults.
As we were nearing the foot bridge, she suddenly held my hand and requested Ate Mafel to let us ride a jeepney instead. I ignored her little shaking as I thought she was just so excited. Our other friends complained that it was best to cross the bridge on foot since we can get a panoramic view of the city. With that said, we took the latter.
Upon nearing the highest peak, she clenched my hand so tight it hurts. I felt like she could crush my bones any minute. Our friends enjoyed the view until her screams tore the scene.
"Get me out of here! Please get me out of here! I don't want to be here!"
It was alarming to see her screaming not minding if she would tore her vocal chords. She's crying and thrashing. She's having a hard time breathing as if all the air escaped from her lungs.
We immediately run towards the end of the bridge and set her down to calm her. I held her tightly in my little arms and whispered words of comfort. Her body against mine was shaking from fear. I kissed her forehead to let her know that she's safe with me. Her shaking eventually stopped and her cries became sobs.
I was in alert the whole time we played at the mall. I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy since I couldn't take my eyes of her. I watched her every move and ready myself in case she would feel that again. I was so worried that I felt the need to protect her at all cost. Like a knight ready to save his princess from danger.
I shook my head and sighed before I went to the fridge to check for something worth cooking. Maybe she overcame it on her own.
She watched me walk around the kitchen with amusement in her eyes.
Brows creased, I asked her "What?"
She made a face before answering, " I've already cooked you some breakfast. A soup for your hangover and yeah, do drink water and not coffee."
The end of my lips curled upwards a little realizing she did actually cooked for me. She smiled warmly at me before following me here in the kitchen and leaned beside my refrigerator.
I sat on the chair and helped myself with the food. I asked her to have some which she refused saying she already had eaten her share. I happily munch on the bacon amd slurp the mushroom soup. Boy, I didn't know she could cook something so delicious. Alright, I underestimated her cooking skills. One point for her.
"By the way, I've already fed your doggo. You're welcome."
I looked up at her with a toothy grin and said, " Thanks! Really! These taste good."
"So, care to tell me why you called me last night?" She asked while she sat on the chair across mine. Her arms were on top of the table while she rested her chin on her closed knuckles.
"Last night? Uhmm, yeah. Something happened last night" I tried to remember why I called in the first place.
"Spill the beans Mister. I found you lying unconscious on the floor with bottles of beer not far away from you. Surely, you wouldn't call if you're just going to tell me that you're drunk and in need of a baby sitter." I can feel her sarcasm towards the end of her speech.
"I broke up with Venus. And I had drank a little. Then, poof! My head aches and there boom! I collapsed after I dialled your number." I summed up all what I remembered from last night.
"So you felt it, huh?" She looked down, brows knitted and said something under her breath. I couldn't hear it but she looked like she's talking to herself and her mind was off to somewhere.
I cleared my throat to get her attention and she looked up to me.
"Wait, what? You broke up with Venus? The last time we talked about her was you going all so cheesy and crazy in love. What happened?" She inquired.
"Shit happened. First year was good. We're going steady. But the next 3 years? I don't know. She started going paranoid over everything. She blocked all my girl friends. She even told them to never talk with me or even messaged me even if it's important. She never permitted me on hanging out with my friends. She wants to be my priority. She demands all of my time. She forbid me to go to my family's reunion because she wants to have a date with me. And for the three years, I've endured it all and tried to give my best. Because I loved her. But I'm fed up with all our fightings, C. I'm done and I can't continue that anymore. It's too toxic and suffocating." I was panting after I explained to her my side.
"So that's the reason why you stopped talking to me 3 years ago. I'm really sorry to hear that. I thought everything was going well with you two since you lasted for years. It's rare for relationship to last long these days."
Another yes, people. I haven't talked to Cassiopeia for the last three years. Venus cut all my connections to all the girls I'm friends with in exception of my family. And the first time in years that I had a conversation with my best friend was yesterday in the park.
Her sincerity and kindness were always her best traits. She stood up and walked to me caging me with her loving arms. It was the warmest hug I ever received for the last years that passed. Her hugs felt magical. Like it brings cure for every sickness and pain. Like it was a rainbow at the end of the pot. Like the feeling you get when you take your first bite of food when you're too hungry. Like the feeling of having your body laid on the bed after a long tiring day. Like feeling the sun on your skin and inhaling the freshest air the world could offer.
It was pure bliss.
It was so satisfying that I don't want for her to let go of the hug. In her arms, I felt loved. And with the break up and all the shit that's going on, this is what I needed the most.
Not long after, she let go and I almost complained. Almost because I would received a whack in my head if I did. She's not a fan of drama and I bet she's thinking of something crazy just to cheer me up. Man, I'm so lucky to have her as my best friend.
She was singing random songs while she helped me clean up my room. I was so shy when she started taking all my clothes from the closet. She folded it all properly and piling it neatly. She even separated my dirty clothes so that I could do the laundry quick. She cleaned the whole room with a vacuum while I mopped the floor leaving no dust. I never knew she was a wife material.
In case she would have a suitor, that guy would have to pass through me first before I'll give him my blessings. I know, I sounded a bit protective but I don't want people to hurt this lovable woman.
It took us all day to finished cleaning. And soon, we ate our dinner she cooked again for us and leave shortly afterwards.
Taking a look at my freshly cleaned room, my eyes landed on a box above my working table. It was the box where I stored all my memento with Venus. I sighed feeling sad.
These took me on a trip to memory lane. I grabbed the polaroid picture where there was us. Me lifting her up while spinning her around because I can't contain my happiness when she agreed to be my girlfriend. I flip it over and read the writings on it.
February 13, 2016
The day she finally said yes.
I smiled bitterly and took another polaroid. These one was taken during our first date as a couple. We were riding on a Ferris Wheel where our first kiss happened. It felt so good holding her in my arms while we're up high from the ground.
The third picture was when my basketball team won the championship. She was so supportive to my team that she never missed a single game.
And the list goes on. Everything on that box reminded me of her. Every pictures. Every gifts on monthsaries and anniversaries. Every handwritten notes. All the love songs. All the tissue from every dates we had where she would marked it with her red lips. The scrapbook she gave me on my birthday where she compiled all our stolen pictures saying that she would show it to our future kids. It was all here.
A single tear rolled from my left eye. I was crying again. When did loving her became so painful? I thought being with her makes everything better even when faced with hardships. When did it all started to crumble? Who to blame? Was it me? Or was it her?
All the sacrifices I endured and made for her love, was it worth it? I gave her everything to the point that I lost myself in the process. I loved her too much and it killed me in the end.
I wiped my tears away as I returned the mementos in the box. I wrapped it with a packaging tape, never to be open again. I shoved it at the bottom of my closet and buried it with the clothes C, folded for me.
Venus, I won't forget you. For what happened between us was a lesson we need to learn. But for now, let me find and redeem myself for I might do something unfortunate if left unnoticed.
And with that, I walked to my bed, mind wandering on what would happen tomorrow. Sooner, I fell asleep.