Song for the Chapter:
Little Do You Know by Alex and Sierra
(This song really reflects the chapter, I recommend you listen to at least the first 1 minute of it to get the feel of the chapter)
"You don't remember" I repeated, and he only looked at me in more confusion.
"Jamie did something happen that I'm not remembering?" He asked with a pained look on his face. I nodded, since my throat felt constricted.
I really hoped he remembered but was just pretending as if it never happen like what I've been doing. But since he doesn't remember, no doubt I'll have to relive everything just to show him just what I meant.
"Will you tell me please?" He asked in a gentle voice.
His expression contradicted his question. I could see that he was afraid of what I might tell him, so he must have had an idea of what I was about to tell him. I scooted over on the park bench to give us a little space as I prepped myself to tell hm.
"In my Junior year, I didn't have a phone because I smashed my last one when I had a fight with my sister. I had worked so hard at the library to save up just enough to buy a decent one, and when I did, I felt proud of myself"
I looked up from my lap to meet his eyes, and they were pretty much the same. Confused and worried.
"Well, one day I was at my locker and I had a tonne a books in my hands. My phone slipped and fell to the ground and I panicked since I hadn't bought a phone case as yet. Luckily it looked fine, so I put the books away and bent down to retrieve it. But before I could, it was kicked away from my sight. Your buddy, Luke, had made the first kick to another guy. Then to another guy and then to you.
"I shouted and begged for you guys to stop playing soccer with my new phone, and every time I chased after it, one of you would just kick it across the hall again. By the time the bell rang and you guys left, my new phone was completely broken. I cried so hard that day to the point where Alex brought me to the mall and got me another one."
"I did that to you?" He asked in disbelief, and it still stunned me that throughout my talking he still didn't remember.
"That's not the only thing" I whispered, and I saw from the corner of my eye how his head whipped towards me.
"At the beginning of the mid term break last year, I was stranded at school because I had no car, no friends and Alex had this big Exam doing that wouldn't be over until six. So I had to take the bus and the rain was pouring. For some reason the universe hates me, and I was waiting for the bus for over thirty minutes. I was soaked, cold and pretty much frustrated with everything"
Despite the seriousness of the atmosphere, I managed to chuckle at the memory. It was surely a day to remember.
"The bus stop was leaking, so that didn't provide much shelter, and for a while I had contemplated just walking the five miles home. "
I took a deep breath as I readied myself to tell him the hard part. "But then a familiar car pulled up, and at first I was scared because I knew Luke and I didn't have a 'hey you need a ride?' kind of relationship.
"But then I guessed that maybe he had a heart, since it was raining cats and dogs to the point where it was almost dark out and I was all alone. I thought just for a second that-"
I paused and squeezed my eyes shut, as I tried to shake the stupid thought from my mind. Luke hated me, and I should've known better than to think he was being nice to me.
"I remember how he brought his window down only a little to meet my eyes, then he asked if I wanted a ride. I thought he was the only one in the car until he drove the car forward just as I was about to open the door, making me almost fall. That's when I heard the snickering from the back seat even under the loud beating of the rain"
I turned to face him, and he reluctantly met my eyes. From the look on his face I knew that somewhere in my talking he remembered that incident. So I could've stopped talking; but for some reason I still continued.
"You rolled down your window, and there was this girl perched on you leg staring at me in amusement. You had this stupid smirk on your face that I still don't understand. But you stared at me. You didn't say anything, you just stared and smirked and for some reason I cant shake the image from my head. Then the brunette whispered something in you ear that only made your smirk wider, and with one last look you threw a drink umbrella at me while Luke sped off, splashing me in the process"
I sighed deeply as my heart felt heavy. I knew I didn't hold anything against him, but reliving the day was harder than I thought. A stray tear rolled down my left cheek, and luckily I got rid of it before he got the chance to see it.
"Jamie I don't even know where to sta-"
"And another time.." I cut him off with a tremor in my voice. There was definitely more.
"Damn." He muttered, as I readied myself to relive another nightmare.
" When I was a Sophomore and we had our dance, I was forced by my sister to go. I didn't even know why some of the older kids were there, but I guess it didn't matter. Even though I didn't have a date and the only conversations I had were with some of my classmates that I sat with at lunch, I was surprisingly having fun. But then-"
"Shit here it comes" He cursed under his breath, and if I wasn't so torn up about everything I would've laughed.
"But then a cute guy that I didn't recognize asked me to dance, and I was stupid enough to accept even though I had no clue about dancing. But in that moment I wondered, maybe my sister was telling the truth when she said I looked pretty that night. Or else this cute boy wouldn't have asked me to dance. "
I bit my lip so hard that I actually tasted blood. I dared not to look at Cameron, and I didn't know what to take his silence as. I didn't know if he remembered and was stunned into silence, or that he didn't remember and was just waiting for me to continue.
" For the first time in a long time I felt confident. Even if it was for a few minutes, it felt good. The dance was fine at first until he dipped me and dropped me. Instead of looking apologetic, he laughed and flashed a thumbs up to your little squad, and that's when I knew. Shortly after the whole school was watching as you and your friends videoed and snapped pics. And I was told that I shouldn't 'attempt skinny girl things'. I was devastated, embarrassed, a lot more insecure than usual and I- I just felt .."
I didn't even know what I had felt like. But that night I ran to my mom's grave at the cemetery and cried all night to her. It was Alex who had found me since I knew my sister must've called him first when I didn't get home. He knew I would've been there.
The very first time I attempted to stay at her grave at night, I got scared and called the one person I knew was my friend. Since then, whenever I disappeared he knew exactly where I was.
But I should've stayed home that night and chat away with him on skype since he didn't go to dances or proms. But it was already done.
"I'm such a dick" He mumbled lowly to himself, sounding irritated.
"Cam there's more" I whispered as my voice broke.
He quickly whipped his head up and gazed at me with those big blue eyes filled with guilt. "No more please. I remember now. I remember everything I did horrible to you and I hate myself for it. I don't know how I could ever show you how sorry I am."
I shook my head dismissively and mustered up enough courage to put a smile on my face.
"You don't have to be. I've forgiven you a long time ago. I've forgiven everybody who has every did me wrong. I did bad things in the past Cam, and I always saw these things as karma coming back to be the bitch it promised to be.
"Luke and I have history that makes his behaviour towards me very understandable, and so I never held onto what he did and why I never allowed Alex to kick his ass like he always swore he would do. But it still hurt, and it still affected me. And I know you've never hurt me first hand, but I still cant shake the fact that you were involved. "
I made a bold move by holding his hand to calm him down a bit since he looked like he was having a serious internal battle.
"After Alex left high school, I never had anyone to stick up for me. I knew Alyssa had a lot to do with getting some of the bullying off my back, but she could only do so much you know? My point is, it was just too much Cameron.
"And 'us' cant happen because I know for a fact that if I was still fat Jamie, you wouldn't be sitting with me right now. I saw the way you looked at me at school, and I see the way you look at me now. It's really different. I'm comfortable with being friends because as I said, I've let it go. And maybe if we had group work or something together back then, we could've been friends. But I knew it wouldn't have been more"
A sigh escaped my lips as I tucked a blonde curl away from my face. I still didn't look in his eyes, but I could basically feel the sadness radiating from him.
"So I think I owe myself that much to understand that if this couldn't have happened two years ago, then it cant happen now. I'm sorry Cameron, but I can't pretend like everything didn't happen. I'm still picking myself up.
"Especially after the whole Ryan thing. It made me realize how stupid it was to want to be skinny for some dude. If he couldn't like me then, why should he now? And I'm not saying that I'm 'the shit' now, but I know that if I looked back then how I look now, you wouldn't have been apart of Luke's little tricks"
I stood up and pulled my hand from his while I took a step back. He looked hurt by the small movement, so I gave him a sweet smile.
"I've forgiven you Cam, but forgetting is way harder. I hope you understand where I'm coming from and what I mean. But I really think that we should just stay friends" I looked away from his broken expression as I felt my eyes sting.
"I'm sorry Cam" And with that, I left him to his thoughts.
He didn't try to stop me or come after me like the last time. He just sat there looking straight ahead with a thoughtful expression on his face. I knew he was my ride here, but luckily I walked with extra cash so I could catch a bus home if something was to happen.
Maybe if someone had listened to our conversation they would've thought that I was being unreasonable. But all I said was the truth.
Even though I like Cam and he surprisingly likes me, I don't think it's right to be with him. At least not in this lifetime.
I still had so much to work on with myself, and having to worry about Cameron liking what I wear or how my hair looked didn't seem like it would be helping.
I know I still have a lot of insecurities and self issues that are still very haunting to me, and if I was being completely honest, I was scared that being with Cameron would only make them worse.
Maybe when I'm where I want to be as a person, if we still like each other, we could give it a shot. But for now, I think I owe myself this much to better myself with just me.
I'm doing the right thing.
When she said 'If I looked back then how I look now, you wouldn't have been apart of Luke's little tricks', that hit home.
So guys do you understand Jamie's reasoning? I'm not gonna tell you how to view her character, but I think we should all just take a moment and try and view things from her perspective instead of a reader who wants them to be together perspective.
Anyway, I really hope you are enjoying so far, and I'll be back soon! <3