Ch. 8 - Shatter Me
“Stop trying to hold onto something that’s no longer there.” ~ Venus
The next couple of days consisted of me just sitting in the corner of my room and crying, forgetting to eat or drink anything, not that I cared about that anyways.
I stopped taking care of myself and as for sleep? It seemed as if it had left my life.
But you know what really broke my heart? It was the fact that my parents would be laughing together in the living room with their friends, knowing that I was in my room and crying for god knows how long.
Why mom and dad? You broke my heart before any guy could.
I felt incomplete, and the only thing that I could was to desolately stare at the ceiling and pray for God to fix things. But there was nothing that could be done.
When I got my iPad back and logged into my Skype account, Mateo’s account was deleted and blocked, and I couldn’t try to re-add him either because my brother logged into my account on his own phone so he could track every little thing I did or said.
Everything felt so suffocating and it got to the point where I just wanted to die and didn’t even notice when I started falling into depression. I also developed issues with anxiety over time. Every time I saw someone the first thing I would do is involuntarily start panicking and worry about what they’d accuse me of or say I did wrong.
I randomly got a text from someone one day and went to check, even though I could care less because I knew it wasn’t Mateo.
To my surprise, it was from Jules.
J: Awww is the poor little girl sad she can’t talk to Mat anymore? But it’s okay because Mat came back to me and is with me now. I’ll make him happier than you ever did bitch, so back the fuck out. It’s my turn now. I’ll make sure he never goes back to you anymore after this. Bye Kiki xoxo’s :)
“FUCK THIS BULLSHIT!“, I yelled out loud knowing no one was home at the moment, hoping at least God was listening to me. “Why? Just fucking why? Was I that much of a bad person that you took the one important person in my life, away from me just like that? No matter what happened, I kept my faith in you and prayed to you everyday, but this is what I get in return? He’s my fucking world damn it!”
“Ugh who are you even ranting to, Kiki? No one is listening to you, and all you’re getting out of this is managing to sound stupid and desperate.”
It’s been nearly a whole month, and I really couldn’t handle not talking to Mat everyday anymore. I tried secretly texting him one day to see if he’d respond, and he did.
But he didn’t seem as interested as he used to be.
Of course he was happy I talked to him, but he said he was busy talking with Juliana and had to go, and it hadn’t even been two minutes of us talking.
At school, he started talking to me again and I was so happy, even if our conversations weren’t the same as before, but what I will say is that his aura changed a lot.
I don’t know how to exactly describe it, but he seemed much more arrogant and dark. He would even be rude to me sometimes, and whether it was on purpose or unconsciously, I would never know, for I was just happy to have partly him back at all.
I saw Aaron in the hallways one day and went up to him to ask if he saw Mat anywhere, but he didn’t look happy.
“Akira, just stop it already.“, he exasperated, giving me a sad look. “Stop trying to go after him any longer than this. He’s different from what he used to be like and you’ll only end up hurt in the end, so don’t do this to yourself. You have any idea how many girls he has dated and dumped within the last week? You’re being strung along by him and it’s suffocating you without you even realizing. Come one Akira, you deserve better than someone like him.”
“What the hell do you know, Aaron?“, I snapped defensively, but you could tell there was an underlying tone of desperation, and I hated how he saw right through me. “Mat loves me, okay? He really loves me...I know he does. He said he’ll never leave me...”
At this point I felt myself at the edge of going through a mental breakdown, but I held back because I didn’t want Aaron to see that side of me.
“He isn’t the person you fell in love with Kiki. He’s someone else right now and the longer you stay, the more it’ll hurt. Look at me for example, I used to be good friends with him but even I can’t bare to be around him anymore. One day he’s going to straight up hurt you so badly, and I can promise you that you’ll finally realize I was right and come running back to me. And I will always be here waiting for you because that’s what true friends do.“, he said before turning around and walking towards the other direction.
In reality, I knew just as well as he did that I was trying to run and hide from the truth.
It was December 7th and I was home that day thinking about telling Mat about my feelings for him, next month on his birthday. As I was thinking, I got a text from someone, which confused me because it was like 9:37 p.m. and it was rare for most of my friends to be up at this time.
It was one of my best friends, Jaslene. She sent me screenshots of a conversation between her and Mat.
Apparently she asked him why he was being so distant with me, and he told her to tell me that he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. He literally said he’s “really popular now to be friends to someone like me”.
Jaslene said she told Chesa and Alana right away, which explains why Chesa was texting me repeatedly too.
C: I texted him saying that I know you might do something stupid if he actually leaves you, and he responded with “Woah that’s really cool, I don’t care. Bye :)“, before blocking me on Instagram. I didn’t think he’d be so mean to you, don’t let this get to you please. I love you and am here for you <3
I felt my heart shatter all over again. By now, I would usually be breaking down in tears, but this time I wasn’t. I didn’t really have much of a reaction at all, my face sort of remained...blank?
Jaslene called me right away because she knew that I wasn’t okay. I picked up the call after it ringed for a while, but I didn’t say anything to her, and she didn’t ask why.
“Bibi, I’m so sorry he did that. After he said that I cursed him out for hurting you and then blocked him. But that’s not important right now, the only that matters is you.“, she cooed, waiting for me to speak. “Please say something bibi, I know you’re not okay. You know that I love you so much, right?”
“No you don’t.“, I faintly whispered. “No one does.”
As I said I felt a few tears rolling down my eyes, but that was it.
Those are the last tears you’ll ever shed for the next one and a half years, my love.
I hung up on her and sat there for a good long while, until something came into my mind and I got up to lock my door and then go get something from one of my drawers.
I took the blade I had in my room for whatever reason and sat on the floor, leaned up against my bed, breathing heavily. Taking the blade and sliding it against my skin, I finally smiled that night at the sight of the crimson liquid dripping onto the floor in front of me, and the burning sensation that coursed through me.
“I knew I can still feel things.“, I murmured to myself as I watched each little drop of blood trickle down. “Maybe it would be better if I just fell asleep forever, right? Then I wouldn’t have to think about anything at all, and it would probably make Mat happy too.”
Before I could do anything else I got a text from Chesa that I could see from the corner of my eye, and it forced me to stop.
C: Akira I heard from Jaslene that you suddenly hung up on her and I got a bad feeling right away. I swear to god Kiki if you do anything stupid then I’ll hurt myself 10 times worse.
A: too late for that
C: whatever you are doing right now, stop it or else you’ll lose me kiki, I can’t live without you anymore
A: fine I won’t do it. now by I want to sleep
C: you are NOT using that excuse with me right now
She started repeatedly calling me and I knew she wouldn’t stop until I picked up so I sighed in frustration before pressing on the green button, hearing her sobs start echoing throughout my room through the speaker.
“Please...“, she cried, proceeding to say things I couldn’t understand because of how hard she was sobbing. “Don’t do anything Kiki, please please please. I love you so much, don’t leave me.”
“Stop it Chesa...you’re making this so much harder for me.“, I whimpered, giving her a sorrowful look even though I knew she couldn’t see me due to my camera facing somewhere else.
After a while of her crying and me eventually joining her, I knew I couldn’t get myself to do anything more, because I couldn’t handle her tears.
I went to sleep that night, or more like early morning, and the nightmares began.