TRACKSIDED

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KILL ME

JANE

My heart is failing me; I can only take little breaths as I wake up. Tae Won is sound asleep; he told me he couldn’t sleep. Nightmares haunt him, making him wake up drenched in sweat, but here he’s sleeping like a newborn nestled close to his mom.

Tae Won doesn’t even move as I get off the mattress. I wonder what he’s dreaming about at this exact moment.

The time has come, and as expected, my heart crumbles.

For once, I anticipated, I would have proceeded with a break up with or without Rebecca’s and Travis’s intervention. It’s just it wasn’t the right moment, and it still isn’t.

However, I no longer have the choice, thanks to the blackmailer involvement, which accelerated everything.

So here’s the plan: I’ll leave a note to Tae Won’s intent. I can’t send Tae Won a message via KTalk; texts are overrated. Besides, I find it disrespectful, not that a letter is better, and it seems to have more nobility than a text message.

Face to face break up with Tae Won will be the death of me, he sees right through me, and he won’t accept it willingly like all the other times I attempted it. I can’t resist him.

And since I know I can’t resist, I’m leaving Seoul and going back to England. With a little luck, Tae Won won’t chase me there.

He can’t love me that much, can he?

I hope not; I pray that I’ll become an old story Tae Won only remembers when he ties one of his hairbands.

Yes, I want to be a hairband memory, tucked away in a pocket or a drawer, reappearing by accident, and forgotten the next.

I walk to the couch, put on my clothes, and try not to think about what happened.

I slept with Tae Won, it was wrong, but it felt right.

It wasn’t meaningless sex; I can’t even say it was sex.

It was something else; it felt like the first time because Tae Won is my first love. Tae Won is the second man who has seen and touched my body. He reached this envelope I’m so ashamed of and graced me with his love, I felt it.

The emotion submerged every part of me, as though the two odd shattered pieces had found their match. Tonight I gave my all to Tae Won. I hope he perceived it and that he’ll keep it in mind because I’ll never forget, though my feelings are unlawful, I know I shall always love Kim Tae Won.

I’m done getting dressed, and I walk to his desk. All the times I came, I’ve never looked around since I’m not the curious type, but here I’m discovering his bureau.

There are a lot of notebooks.

For no reason, I pick one up; it has the date of the accident written on the first page.

Is it a diary?

I flick through the pages, and the contents though he wrote everything in Korean, I understand relates anything but his daily routine.

There are facts; he has noted elements surrounding the accident.

I pick up another notebook; here, I see names.

Almost every name is one of a chaebol child or one of the hexagon’s nightclubbers. Each title is crossed out; I even see Brad’s.

My heart starts to race as I open a folder, it’s full of newspaper clippings, I close it and there just underneath its emplacement I see the envelopes.

There too, my curiosity gets the best of me. I pick them up; I’ve already opened almost everything on the desk. I’m too far gone to back away.

I turn back to look at Tae Won; he’s still sleeping. My heart’s thumping sound adds stress as I open the first envelope and pull out the contents.

I KNOW WHO DID IT.

My blood rushes, and my heartbeat accelerates.

FAKE.

80bpm

BE CAREFUL OF THE DEVIL BESIDE YOU.

90bpm.

CHASE THE RED.

100bpm.

This is the moment where I die.

I look at the tips of my hair, which appear to be bloody red. I know it’s a perception of my mind; the room seems to swirl, all is red.

Tae Won knows.

No, he doesn’t; he would have killed me by now, and there I see it.

A gun.

I step on something humid I look down and realize I’m crying—my hand moves of its own accord. I grasp a piece of paper.

On autopilot, I write. Once I’ve finished, I take the gun.

Walk to the door and leave.

There’s no way out.

I can’t live with Tae Won knowing the truth, and it’s just a matter of time before it happens.

How could I even imagine I would get away scot-free?

How naive I was, that’s not how the laws of nature work.

Everything is paid in full while we’re alive. It’s karma.

Invaded my nausea, I bend, waiting for the food to come up, like a panoramic view of my actions before me.

How pretentious and narcissistic to think someone would accord the right to leave happily. I knew it so well, though.

My situation was simple; I suppressed any feelings of enjoyment and happiness. All contempt was prohibited. Still, I let myself go, drunk and blinded by the love I have for Tae Won.

I bleed internally; it’s a hemorrhage.

All the wrongs I have committed stand above me like the Damocles sword. The desire to die devours me once again; it’s the reality of the messages which alert me.

What a disgusting being I am; Rebecca was right. I am deceitful, shameless filth, and I understand now that there’s only one way to end all of this.

Strangely I don’t have any thoughts for either my family or friends. I go as selfish as I lived, only thinking of me.

Tae Won.

How could I do this? What kind of monster am I?

What got into my head?

How could I seduce the son of someone I killed?

How can I dare love, kiss, and make love to you?

Oh, my God, I howl in the night as all the images come crashing into me.

I must render justice.

Tae Won’s family died unjustifiably because of a stupid teenager seeking thrills. They deserve to be avenged, and my death will do just that.

I stand bleak, on suicide bridge. I tricked death, and people once too many times.

There is no need for the reaper to beckon me; I go with my own free will.

I hear the sirens far off; CCTV is very efficient.

“JANE.”

I turn.

“Tae Won, kill me.”

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