Ever since I was a boy, I've been powerless. Weak. I had no voice. Never again.
Roaming the hallways is so boring. So is sitting in class. I kind of want to go home. Could just walk, but I don't feel like it.
By this time I reached the trailers behind the school. I loved this. I loved how I didn't have a care in the world. I was as free as can be.
The air is cooling down now. I should think of other places to hang out.
After school was over, I decided to walk home by myself. I got on the bus with Jason, then got off. Just a little trickery on my part.
While I walked buses passed me. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I reached down and pulled it out. Jason was calling me. I answered.
"What! Are! You! Doing?!" He questioned.
"Not much." I responded flippantly.
"I just saw you run in between two buses! You know mom doesn't want us walking home alone!" He fussed. I rolled my eye.
"See you at home." I hung up on him.
When I got home, Jason tried to scold me, but I just brushed him off and went upstairs to take a shower. Once that was over I went into my room, changed into my pajamas and shrunk under my covers.
An hour passed and I only was able to sleep for about fifteen minutes. Jason woke me up by bursting into the room with Alexandria screaming and crying in his arms.
"Luc!" I growled and kept my back to him.
"Alexandria keeps crying and I don't know what to do or why!" He exclaimed.
Alexandria kept wailing. Jason put her down beside my face.
"What's wrong Alexandria?" I asked. Alexandria tugged on my hair and stopped crying.
"You didn't go see her today did you?" Jason questioned.
"No." I mumbled.
"Guess we know why she was crying now." He stated.
I heard him sigh heavily with relief and walk out. I put my arm around Alexandria's body and placed my hand on the side of her head.
"I'm sorry, Alexandria." I whispered to her. I pulled her closer to me -- Jason had pretty much put her on the edge.
Rather than going back to sleep, I spoke to her softly, groggily. That alone kept her sated. She refused to let go of my hair.
A few hours passed and we all sat down at the table for dinner.
"We have a singer in our midst!" Jason announced practically right after we started eating. Jeanette and Brian looked at Jason. I shook my head.
"What do you mean?" Jeanette asked. Jason grinned and awkwardly pointed to me.
"Don't-" I scoffed and covered my face. Jason snickered mischievously.
"You sing well Luc?" Brian asked.
I hunched my shoulders, "I guess..." Who am I kidding? I knew that I had a "good" voice. But think about it, in my old home being gay and having a good voice was not a good combination. I didn't have to find that out, some things you just know.
After the singing conversation died down, the others talked about other things -- how their day was, etc. I withdrew from them and just barely pecked at my food.
Once I wrapped my plate up and put it in the refrigerator, Jeanette cornered me.
"Hi Jeanette." I said with my head held down. I folded my hands behind my back. Normally she'd correct me and say "mom," but this time she didn't. Must be important.
"Since when do you hide your eye around us?" She asked. I'd been feeling exposed. I hunched my shoulders.
"Are you okay? You've been missing classes left and right." She stated.
I hunched my shoulders again.
"Use your words, Luc. What's going on?" She asked.
"I got nothin' to say." I responded.
There was a pause. I rubbed my thumb against the back of my hand.
"Can I go now?" I asked shakily. Jeanette solemnly nodded. I didn't hesitate to leave.
For some reason I've been feeling a lot more submissive in some areas. And I don't like it.
I banged my head against the floor. Ugh. Why am I here?
All white. Everything. There was only one thing, a path. It stood out. It was the only thing with faint color. Pale green grass, a cement colored walkway.
I stood up and looked around. So loopy... A dark shadow appeared and began to take form.
"Indra?" I called quietly. "Why are you here? ...What are you?" I questioned.
He just stood there, smiling softly. He held out his hand to me. I began to reach up slowly. I jerked when another dark shadow ran past me and took his hand.
"Evie..." I muttered.
The two began to turn and walk away, smiles on their faces.
No... "Wait!" I cried as I reached out for them. I couldn't move, I was dragged down to the floor again.
"No...please...don't leave me behind." I whimpered. My eyes overflowed and tears splattered onto the walkway.
"I didn't choose this." I held my hand out to their backs.
"It wasn't my fault!" I screamed desperately, but they ignored me.
"But you won't even try to forgive me, will you Evie?"
"Please!" I begged. I don't want to be left behind... I don't want to be alone. Just please look at me.
"It wasn't my fault!!"
My neck snapped as I jerked myself awake. I touched my face. Slippery from tears. I pulled my covers to my eyes and dried my face. When I finished I clenched the covers tightly and turned onto my side. That didn't stop tears from falling again. Why is it like this? That dream had me reeling in sorrow. I brought my hand to my eyes and my jaw locked. God damn it.
In the bathroom at school, I stared into the mirror at my tired eye. I leaned against the sink. Technically I was skipping. He appeared again.
My old self in the reflection again.
"You can't get them to listen can you?" He stated.
"You aren't trying hard enough." He scolded.
"They just need time." I whispered fearfully. I was scared someone would walk in and see me talking to myself. And, I was scared of him.
"They're ready to move on." He retorted. I shook my head. He frowned, growing angry with me.
"If they were really your friends, they'd listen." He disappeared.
I turned on the water and cupped my hands together, letting the water fill up. I rubbed my face, hoping the coldness would get my mind in order, then used my sleeve to dry it. Once I moved my hair over my eye I began to exit the bathroom.
"You wanna talk? Let's talk!" I jumped and slammed my back against the wall.
"Don't scare me like that Evie." I exhaled and stepped into the hallway. I turned and faced her. Indra was standing behind her, silently leaning against the wall.
"Ok," I hunched my shoulders. "So what?"
"So what?" Evie repeated as she crossed her arms. "You're the one who has some explaining to do." I wasn't even ready for this.
I looked up at the ceiling, then at Evie. The pressure's on. Indra stepped in and stood at her side.
"Well, I can't tell you where I was, but I will tell you this," I started. I found it impossible to tell the "oh, I was in Seattle in my old foster home." Hell, I don't even think they know I'm a foster kid. Which kind of angers me.
I hunched my shoulders briefly. "Catatonia's a bitch."
"What?" Evie questioned. Indra narrowed his eyes in confusion.
I quickly turned my back to them.
"Uh..." I mumbled. This is awkward. It's so loud yet silent at the same time. Swallow your balls! Let them know how it is now!
"Oh and Indra," I called. "One last thing."
I turned to him. He looked at me with confusion and anticipation. My arm swung and my knuckles connected with his lip. He grunted and shrunk back. Evie jumped a little.
Indra turned to me with a confused and angry expression as he craddled his bleeding lip. I scoffed lightly in triumph.
"What was that?!" Evie shrieked.
I turned away from them and walked away. "A new leaf." It's as I said, I'm never going to be powerless again.