For, what seemed like a while, I walked around in a daze. Everything just repeated in my head. That whole day.
I choked Jason, could've killed him had Jeanette not walked in.
Why did he have to sit on me like that? It brought up horrid memories. When I- when Chet...
I hit the side of my head.
You can't grab me like that! I've been grabbed enough!
Just like I did this morning, I walked home. I didn't want to be around the others so I walked to school. No different this afternoon.
When I got home I slipped past Jeanette and went straight to my room and locked myself in.
I covered my ears when Alexandria inevitably started crying and sat by my bed. When just covering my ears didn't work I put in my earbuds.
I need to figure things out. How to tell the two. The more I think on it, I don't want to tell it. I just want to put it behind me, in the past. But they won't accept that will they?
"I used to be raped repeatedly. And beaten." I said.
Why would it be so hard to say that? There was a lot of anxiety to deal with.
"Tomorrow." I thought.
In theatre arts our new topic was musicals. Yep. Sweeney Todd. Hairspray. All them. Mainly their differences in genre and impact, or something like that, I wasn't paying attention. I don't particularly mind musicals, but they always seem the same somehow. Well...that's every movie.
Today we're starting with Sweeney Todd. Which I've never seen before. Does this mean I get to hear Johnny Depp singing? Cool beans.
You know what? I don't think I'm going to like this. It's so dark. Well, it is Tim Burton.
I sighed lowly. It's really dark in here.
I tilted my head back and closed my eye. I dozed off for a while. Loud music and Helena Bonham Carter yelling "poor thing" woke me up. I could barely make out what I was looking at, but a guy removed his mask.
"Oh my god! It's Al Sharpton!" I cried. Oops. The small amount of people around me chuckled.
"No..." Jason said.
Whoever he was he grabbed onto a woman and she began to scream in horror as people in masks around them laughed.
Johnny Depp screamed.
"Would no one have mercy on her?" He asked Helena Bonham Carter.
My breathing slowed to a stop. I got up and walked out of the auditorium.
Jeez. She could of told us that was that kind of movie. I leaned over against a wall by the bathroom clenching my heart.
"Shit. Why's my heart hurting? Am I having a heart attack?!" I thought.
This can't be happening. I can't freak out everytime I see a movie or when someone crawls on top of me. Er...why would someone even...?
I couldn't stop the thoughts.
"Why would they want to rape me? Why would anyone want to rape anyone?" I thought. I gasped lightly.
Down at the other end of the hallway I saw the reflection again.
They're all laughing at me. Standing around doing nothing.
"Wait, no! It's over!" I debated with myself.
"Calm down! Calm down!"
"Luc." I shrieked and looked up. I gasped deeply and leaned away.
"I think you're doing that thing where you're mildly insane again." Jason stated.
"No I'm having a heart attack!" I responded.
"No no. They're laughing at me!" I put my hand to my head.
"Who?" Jason asked.
"Them sick bastards who stood around!" No one ever helped me. It was always just me!
Jason stared at me, confused and unimpressed.
"Wait no," I paused to think. "There was someone! A lil' hunny."
Jason's face crinkled.
"Yeah yeah yeah. He was trying to help me. But I pushed him away. It was a mistake. Regret. I regret it. I lost everything!"
"They took my eye!" I clenched my face. "And my face!"
"Luc." Jason called.
"Oh shit," I pressed my back against the wall as I became winded. I inhaled sharply and couldn't get a breath out, I just kept inhaling.
"What?" Jason asked slowly and cautiously.
"Snick snack heart attack!" I blurted out. What the hell am I saying?! I inhaled sharply again. Shit.
"Stop talking. You're having a panic attack."
"You're going to pass out; try to get your breathing under control."
"Ah! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up! Just everybody please shut up." I slid my hands down my face.
"Who's 'everyone' wait. Don't answer that!" Jason said.
"The guy over there!" I gestured with my eye. The reflection waved and smiled at me.
Jason pinched the bridge of his nose slightly. "Luc there's no one there."
"And the other two?" I asked.
Jason's eyes widened.
"Is there something behind me?" Jason asked. I raised an eyebrow. I can't tell.
He slowly turned around. He jumped a little, then turned back to me.
"It's just your friends." He stated. Of course they came.
I opened my mouth to speak.
"Shut up!" Jason stopped me. "Just breathe!"
I began to gasp and hunch over whilst clenching my heart again.
"It hurts..." I moaned.
"I know you want answers," my voice strained. "But I'm a little preoccupied right now."
"Yeah I can see that." Evie nodded.
"Jesus christ! Do you want to pass out?" Jason questioned.
"If it'll get the pain to stop, yes."
"The pain'll stop when you start breathing properly. Your lungs are constricting."
I finally exhaled. I breathed in and out. While I did that the others started talking to each other.
"What brought this on?" Evie asked Jason.
"No idea." He answered.
Well, he was right. The pain in my chest faded away when my breathing returned to normal. I sighed with relief.
I looked down the hallway. The reflection was gone. I stood up straight and looked around. I was feeling somewhat better.
"Okay. I'm better." I spun around. Oh god they're still there.
"Jas..." The floor shot up from under me and I hit it hard.
Guess I really need to say something to someone.
I looked over Luc as he slept. I had dragged him to the nurse's office. She just had me put him on a bed and then we called Mom. Now we're just waiting for her to get here. Guess if a kid passes out they have to go home.
His friends left after I dropped him off.
"I can't help but think this: you're going insane." I spoke to him.
"You're talking to yourself, having panic attacks, not eating."
"Passing out!" I added.
"Jason. Your mother is here." One of the secretaries told me as she came in. "She wants to speak to you first."
"Okay." I got up and walked into the lobby.
"Hey Mom." I said lowly. She had Alexandria with her.
Mom beckoned me to come sit with her.
"What happened?" She asked when we sat down.
"Panic attack, passed out." I stated simply.
"What caused that?" Mom asked.
"Don't know. All I know is we were watching a movie in theatre arts and he got up and bolted out." It was just a movie. Why should it be a big deal?
"What movie?" Mom asked.
"What?" I questioned.
"What movie?" She repeated.
"Sweeney Todd." I answered.
I rubbed my chin in thought, "yeah. I think he left when that rape scene came around."
Mom's face contorted. She looked concerned more than anything. Why? What's that for?
"What's up?" I asked her.
She shook her head, "we'll talk later. Just go get Luc please."
I looked at Alexandria. Seeing her might just calm him down.
I got up and went back into the nurse's office. There were two empty beds.
I backed out of the room. "Luc's gone." I announced to no one in particular.
Why? Why are you here with me? And why am I crying?
I sniffled. "I always came to you when I was upset."
"And now you've come to me." I stated.
I was laying in the grass with my head in Indra's lap. He was sitting up looking down at me. Oh my poor heart.
"How did I get here?" I asked him. I can't remember. I think this is the yard in front of the school...yeah, I can see the road a little.
Indra tilted his head. "You came out here, then you tripped over the bushes."
"Oh." I whispered. I could've gotten up, but I didn't. I liked it right where I was. Indra was staring at me.
I brought my hand to my eye and wiped the tears away, but they came back. I groaned a little. I'm a lot more emotional than normal -- which I hate.
"I'm scared." I raised my hand up. I'm losing my mind.
Indra wrapped his hand around my mine.
"It's okay if you're scared. You're safe now." He said.
"I made a mistake. I lost everything." I shouldn't have left.
I moved hand and flinched. Rigidness. I gasped slightly and widened my eye.
I pressed my hand to my eye. It's out! He sees it! Don't look! I'm hideous.
"Luc, it's okay." Indra said.
I covered my eye and face. I shook my head.
"I'm a freak." I stated. "I didn't want you to see this!" Him or Evie.
"I don't think you're a freak." Indra said.
More tears fell.
"I didn't ask for it." I whimpered.
"What?" Indra asked.
"I didn't ask for any of it. I didn't want it." I said. It hurts. My heart hurts again.
"I didn't deserve people to stand around and laugh, doing nothing."
"You're right. You didn't." Indra muttered.
"I'm sorry. I should've done more. Forced you to stay with me that day." He said.
"I should've stayed with you. It hurt so much."
"I'm sorry, I should've listened to you."
On impulse I touched his face.
"I want to do it again." Indra stated.
"That night you left." He said. I paused.
"I do too."
Right now I felt inside a dream world. I liked it. I like it with just him. The two of us.
His fingers brushed against the back of my hand.
He began to lean down closer to my face. Oh, please...
"Indra!" Evie's voice called.
He froze. She's coming.
I got frantic. No, she can't see it. She can't!
Indra held on to me and kept me still as he moved my hair back in place. Evie came into sight.
"What are you guys doing?" She asked. "I've been looking all over for you!" I quickly turned my head.
"They used to rape and abuse me!"
Evie was taken aback.
"Oh!" She exclaimed. "Uh...I think I should go get your friend." She drawled. She backed up and left.
I looked at Indra. He looked at me.
He made an almost creepy smile. Should I be worried? He soon chuckled awkwardly and spoke. "Iubirea mea."
I tilted my head at him.
Evie walked into the office looking for Jason, but ran into Jeanette as she was heading out.
Jeanette paused. Evie looked around for Jason, who was right behind Jeanette.
"I know you." Jeanette stated.
Evie looked up at her in confusion. "I've never seen you before in my life."
Jason jumped out from behind Jeanette.
"Oh hey." He greeted her.
Jeanette looked at Jason, confused.
"That's the girl from that picture Luc always carries around." He told her.
Evie raised an eyebrow.
"Oh right." Jeanette sighed.
Jason turned to Evie. "Do you know where Luc is?"
She jabbed her thumb to the side, "he's out there."
The three moved outside.
Jeanette and Jason looked around for Luc. He was still with Indra.
"Luc?" Jeanette called.
Luc quickly sat up. Jeanette went over to the bushes and saw the two boys. Luc looked a bit flustered.
"That's the other one." She stated when she looked at Indra. She was surprised to see the three of them all in the same place.
Indra grunted in confusion.
"Hi Jeanette." Luc sobbed.
"Hey baby," Jeanette smiled at him. "Are you okay?"
Luc nodded a little. "Okay. Let's go home, okay?"
"Okay." He said. He stood up and stepped over the bushes. Indra, very slightly agitated, stood up as the two headed towards their car.
"What were you guys doing behind those bushes?" Jeanette asked Luc quietly.
"Talking." He answered.
Jeanette put Alexandria in her carrier and got in the car with Luc.
I laid down in my bed curled up under my covers.
"I told her...she walked away." I thought.
I started to cry again. God, what's wrong with me?
I want to be back in Indra's lap. I don't want to be alone. I should be with them.
Lost in thought, I ran my fingers over my lips and a whisper slipped out.
A few hours later I went to Jeanette in her room.
"Jeanette?" I called.
"Yes?" She called. I sat down on the bench at the foot of her bed.
"Is it okay if I stay home from school for a little bit?" I asked shakily.
Jeanette looked at me, worrying and contemplating.
"Are you sure you're okay?" She asked.
"No I'm not okay." I grabbed the front of my head. "I just need time to get myself in order."
"Luc, you had a panic attack and passed out. I think you might need a little time out." Jeanette stated.
She softly hugged me by the head. I felt a soft kiss.
If only it was like this from the start...