Yakusoku felt numb. He’d been speaking with his parents over dinner, apologizing mostly. And where it made him feel better to apologize he still felt numb from the fact that his parents had questioned his happiness in the family.
They had wondered if they were at all what he’d wanted when they took him into their home from the orphanage. They probably still felt that pang of betrayal and hurt if their fears were to be true. He felt it. He felt hurt, betrayed, and guilty as shit for letting them down. Letting down the few people who actually genuinely loved and cared for him without question.
But much like his friends with Maria, he had gone too far in their eyes, and they had to question him. He gave them their answer, though, didn’t he? He stopped his bullshit, he removed his cover, and now he feels numb. It wasn’t just because of Ludwig telling him to knock off the bull, it was being sent to guidance that got the ball rolling. Ludwig was just the push in the direction that said: don’t fucking make it worse by throwing it at them like they are the one’s who’d screwed up when it was YOU.
But he still feels numb. Numb that he’s even loved from a place where he can go too far in their eyes. Numb because he has nothing more to cover up his pain over what happened. Numb because he’s sitting by his opened window while a freezing cold is blowing snow flurries through the air and into his home, against his pajama covered body. But he had to have the window open, so he could smoke.
Strange as it is the weed seems to be working, as with every puff of the stuff his mental numbness is subsiding. And why should he carry around this heavy cloak of contaminated shame? Maybe he should just take the man’s approach and think of it as one hot time with an insatiable chick. Maybe. Or maybe he should just quit for a while. Take a break from reality.
Look what two years of being a shithead got him- mistrust. Betrayal from people he should never feel such a thing from. A bad reputation at school. Maybe he deserves a little check out time. To be in self-solitude... all alone. His closes his dual colored eyes and dreams. He dreams that he’s up higher in the window, closer to the screen, that with just the right application of pressure he’s falling. That he’d burst right through the screen and plummet to the icy snow covered ground below.
The knock on the door startled him so badly that he dropped his fix to the floor. He didn’t notice that bit at all because he was instead taking in the fact that he’s in the window- literally! Knees on the wooden sill, forehead pressed firmly into the screen hard enough to leave a grated imprint on his forehead; when he moved back, the thin void to his doom vanished. Damn illegal drugs clouding his mind.
“Come in,” he called to whoever was outside of the door as he walked over to the security of his bed.
The door pushed open and Ai walked in, clad in Beyblade pajamas with character Max on the shirt and the Draciel spinning top splashed about the cotton pants. It’s a new show he and his friends have begun watching- though it’s actually really old.
“Can we talk about dinner?” He asked blatantly and climbed onto his brother’s large bed wasting no time in wrapping his arms around the older male’s torso, then laying his head on Yakusoku’s chest like a girlfriend or a child much younger than 12 might have. Ai is like that, it hasn’t changed in two years, though, unlike Yakusoku, Ai really had no reason to change himself too much in the last two years. “What’s that weird smell?”
“Nothing.” ‘Weed.’ “But, you wanted to talk about dinner, right? I think I’m all talked out on the subject.”
"That one sure, but what’s the real reason for all that attitude and make-up? I know it isn’t anything to do with trying something new,” The boy concluded. “and I doubt that missing your friends has changed you that much- if anything- you should have recoiled from people for a bit but you jumped right into Gev like he fed a starved puppy, you, a sirloin steak. And then you adopted all that awful behavior... so what gives?”
Damn. Hit the nail on the head much? Yakusoku was hesitant to respond, but he wanted to drop the bullshit right? At least with his little brother. Poor adults, never get the real story as the young would tell it to young.
“Alright, you psychiatric little beast, I’ll tell you what happened- but, you have to promise not to tell anyone. Not Mom, especially not Dad...nobody.” He went on and added. “And you can’t hypothetically conversate about it with anyone either- got it?”
Ai’s deep brown eyes went wide in an almost offense that he would betray his brother’s love and trust. “I swear. No one.”
“Okay... two years back... during that whole Maria thing,”
He blinked and silenced himself as if he were having second thoughts about telling a 12-year-old boy that he’d been heavily molested by the demented blonde girl. But Ai was, technically, after all, 22 and his second mother, so maybe he would be able to handle something so heavy. Phrase it. Phrase it. He was coaxing himself.
“She and I went off to talk, you remember that?” His little brother nodded. “Ai... Maria molested me when I went away to speak to her. She drugged me in this shed out in the woods and she had me the whole time.” There. He said it.
His little brother was speechless, literally. He lay there, attached to Yakusoku and it seemed that his grip was getting tighter as the reality of it sank in for him. His brother had been gone for hours that afternoon. And the whole time he was some kooks love-slave? He hadn’t even gotten a word out before Yakusoku felt water bleeding through his night shirt from his little brother’s tears.
It came out of his mouth as if he were the reason why, or like he was apologizing for hitting him on the foot with a hammer. His tone was hard, his words hurt with the pain that Yakusoku couldn’t voice and tried damned hard not to feel; and after stabbing that pain with his apology, Ai just cried. And he cried and cried.
It was the most miserable thing Yakusoku had ever heard to the point that he wanted to apologize for even saying it. Brushing his fingers through his brother’s crop of hair, he calmed his sobs with hushes and shushes.
“It’s okay, Ai.” He felt the boy shaking his head against him. “But it is... Maria can’t hurt me anymore. She’s gone, the only thing now is to get passed what happened.”
Ai sniffled hard and shook his head again. “Don’t you go all sensible on me now, Yaku’.” He rubbed his eye with the back of his left hand, finally letting up on his death grip to sit up and stare down at his slightly laid out brother. “You’ve been carrying that around for two years and you’re just gonna tell me to not worry about it.”
“I...” He cut himself off there. He really didn’t know what he wanted to say anyway.
“And nobody knows, not your friends or those new jerks you hang out with?”
Yakusoku slowly shakes his head. “No one. And they’re not my friends anymore, you can’t keep referring to them that way.”
And since when did Enid, Chester, the twins, and Sophie become them in such a dry tone? He’d wanted nothing more than to be back with them half the time, but he knew that it wasn’t going to happen so then why dwell? Much like what happened in that shed, it was time to let it and they go. He’s suffered inside long enough, he’s made his family who has done nothing suffer long enough. He was lucky to get away with puberty as his excuse for being an asswipe for two years when he really should have just told them the truth. But he couldn’t. It’s absurd and ridiculous, and Ai will be the only one who knows from this point on.
“I hate them...”
“Who? Gev and everyone?”
“No. Chester and them.” He almost spat the boy’s name. “They should have stayed with you and helped you with that, but they ditched you.”
“And rightfully so... I was obsessed with her, and why she was how she was. They knew when to get out but I kept pushing it.” He lowered his tone, as his inner demon spoke out loud for the first time since the encounter, to say. “I had it coming.”
If the darkness in the room weren’t covering his brother’s face more than the moonlight, he would have seen the disgust there, the anger. “How can you say that Yakusoku? How can you be so self-destructive? You didn’t do anything to deserve that?”
Yakusoku only took a deep breath of contradiction.
“I’m serious. It’s their fault just as much as it is Maria’s...” He leaned forward wrapping his arms around him again. “So, that’s it... you justforget about it? Put it away like it never happened?”
“Why not? Maria’s vanished, for real; the next day Dad and I with that cop went over to her house and it was deserted.” He squeezed his brother.
He always hated thinking about that part. It was too bizarre. “Like she was never there like it never happened.”
“But she was real... I mean, I saw her- sort of.”
“Yeah, my thoughts exactly.”
The two sat in silence for a hair then Yakusoku closed his eyes feeling sleep take over him.
“They don’t trust me, Ai. They think I’m unhappy here, and they’re wrong.” He blinked sleepily. How do chicks do it? Emotions are draining.
“Is that why you stopped being all... rock music and black clothes?”
“Sort of. The counselor brought it up to me and, I don’t know, it hurt being seen that way by them. Ungrateful for being adopted, a prick for what they assumed was not knowing my real parents.”
“Some kid at school said that if I’m really so unhappy then I should stop being an idiot.”
“Smart kid.” Chided Ai.
“He seems the think so.” When he spoke again he returned to the earlier subject. “It was real Ai... and she spoke to me without moving her lips.”
“What do you mean?” A voice full of pain is now peppered with concern.
“She told me everything that I wanted to know, everything. The story about Kevin, and how she never was able to feel normal at school.” He quieted then.
He didn’t wanna talk any more about it. Not about the molest, not about Maria saying that the two of them were alike, nothing.
Sensing the growing death of the topic, Ai snuggled in. “Mind if I sleep in here?” He asked, getting more comfortable.
“Go nuts,” Yakusoku replied in a sleepy tone.
“Thanks.” Closing his eyes, Ai sighed and said softly. “I’ll keep any bad dreams away for tonight.”
And he meant that. His brother would never know how much, though, he wasn’t aware of himself in the kitchen that night Ai found him. He can still see that weird look on his brother’s face and how he was almost speaking to the knife like it was a real thing that he had to talk into stabbing him. Shivering, he tucked himself into the older male.
With what little lively strength Yakusoku had left, he gave a small snicker at how sweet Ai could be sometimes. He really was like a little mother. He gently stroked the male’s hairline on the side of his ear before gradually falling asleep, unknown to himself that Ai stayed up all night crying against him.