When We Were Wallflowers

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Houston, I have so many problems

As a junior in high school your supposed top priorities are as follows:

1. Get good grades

2. Start looking for colleges

3. Enjoy your life

I do have very good grades and that’s why I want to graduate early. I’m valedictorian of my class and I have been looking at colleges for quite some time, reason being, I do not enjoy my life. That being said I have visited my guidance counselor a number of times with hopes of graduating early. Problem is, you need parents permission for that so let me give you a little background information for a better understanding as to why that will be hard.

My brother and I were taken away from my mother while I was in 3rd grade and he was in 2nd. My mom wasn’t capable of taking care of us so my dad and stepmom got custody of us. You would imagine that living with your dad is a good thing. It’s not. My stepmom is a control freak who talks about how God is so disappointed in me even though she hasn’t been to church in about 3 years. She’s a republican with a drinking problem who married my dad for his money. Me being a bisexual, pro-choice, biden-supporting democrat, you could see how there could be disagreements.

My dad is also a dick a lot of the time but he can be one of the sweetest people alive when he chooses. He always wants what’s best for me and my brother even if it isn’t what he wants. He is always there for me when I need him. He’s a democrat like me so I don’t even know how him and my stepmom get along.

My stepmom doesn’t want me to graduate early because she is a controlling person. She likes to have control so when I asked her about it yesterday her response was not ideal. My dad is out of town so she was the only one I could talk to. Let’s just say it was a screaming match, but only one person was screaming and it wasn’t me. So after she was done yelling at me and telling me no, I went to my room and didn’t come out for the rest of the night. This morning rolls around and she comes into my room to talk about it.

“Have you already talked to your guidance counselor about graduating early,” she questioned.

“Yes and she said she thinks it’s a good idea,” this isn’t a lie. I’ve been visiting my guidance counselor almost once a week for the past 2 years. She’s like a school mom to me.

“I’m going to talk to you dad about it but if you graduate early you aren’t leaving. You aren’t running off to NYU to act like a wild child. You will get a job and go to the community college while living in this house.” This did not sit well with me considering, 1. We have the money for NYU, 2. I’m literally the smartest person in my grade, I am not going to community college and 3. I need to get as far away from this bitch as I can.

“The whole point of graduating early is to get out of this damn apartment and start a life of my own.”

She insulted me a little more then left me crying alone right before school. I go to private school in New York City because my dad ‘will not have his children going to public school’ so now I’m sitting in my first block emailing my guidance counselor crying because today, out of all the days, she’s working from home. To make matters worse I spill my coffee all over my shirt which I already have a stain on.

“Oh my FREAKING GOD!” I exclaimed. I got up to go get paper towels and started crying because I can’t imagine it getting worse than this. We started doing our work for the day which makes me want to die because math sucks.

The day goes by slowly and is as repetitive as always. Growing up the way I did affected me immensely. I have had 2 different therapists in 2 years and have been diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and Panic Disorder which then was all re-diagnosed into Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the perks of BPD is the ability to turn off one’s emotions. Yes, kinda like Vampire Diaries but not exactly. On Vampire Diaries their emotions are turned off completely and it’s very hard to turn them back on. You don’t feel any type of emotion. You don’t care about anything. In real life it’s kinda like that but not. You can turn them off and feel numb. You won’t feel sadness but you also won’t feel happiness. You won’t feel anything. Nothing matters anymore. You don’t care about things you should care about. You start to lose yourself but at least you’re not sad.

I honestly don’t think all of the bad is worth it. I am always sad but I want to be able to feel a small glimmer of happiness once in a while. My emotions were off for a while but then when I found out my mom was dying it was kinda like an emotional trigger. Everything came flooding out. I cried for the first time in months and I let everything in. After that I decided I wanted to graduate early and get back on track.

I went home upset at the world and drained from school and immediately went to my room. I have a good sized room. My penthouse has 2 master bedrooms out of 5 so being daddy’s little girl, I got the second one. I ate a salad at 11 pm then laid in bed while scrolling through dracotok on my phone until 3 am. I fell asleep watching pov tiktoks that I wish were real, hoping for a better life.

~~~

This morning I woke up at 8 am which is 30 minutes later than I usually do and somehow ended up getting dressed and doing my makeup, which I don’t usually do, in 20 minutes. The day went by as slow as it usually does and when it was over I went to my best friend Mari’s house to spend the night because her parents left to go on vacation in Bora Bora or some shit. I don’t have many friends so I spend most of my time with Mari.

Although I have almost no friends there is this guy that I have strong feelings for and you could say he goes to my school. I’ve known him for 3 years but he just gave me his snap recently. We’ve been snapping for months and it’s been good. I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend but some of the things he says to me makes me wonder. I’ve been trying to make a move but it’s so hard even though we have so much in common. We have pretty much the same aesthetic, we listen to the same type of music, we both love english and we both have similar political views. His name is Elijah and he’s driving me insane.

The thing about Elijah is that he’s older than me by a good few years. When I say he goes to my school what I really mean is he’s a teacher at my school. I know right. That’s the tea. He’s not just a teacher at my school though, he’s been my teacher for 3 years. I know it’s wrong but he is so fine. If you could see him you would think he’s fine too. He’s not even that much older than me. His first year teaching was when I had him freshman year, which makes him 23. That’s only like 6 years. See not that bad. The reason he gave me his snapchat was because he’s my advisor for my junior project this year and it was the easiest way to stay in contact. Mari and I got drunk so I maybe accidentally snapped him telling him I’ve had a crush on him since freshman year. He just responded and I’m so scared to open it but I build up the courage.

“Call me,” the message read with his number attached.

“Okay.”

It took me about five minutes to get the nerve to call him. Mari kept giving me jello shots to try and help me with my confidence. Once I was plastered I dialed the number and he picked up immediately.

“What took you so long to call?” He questioned.

“I was do-doing jello shotsss,” shit I’m slurring my words.

“On a scale from 1-10 how drunk are you?”

“Is 10 a big number?” I joked hoping to get a reaction, which I did.

“Shit Ophelia. Where are you? Are you out? Do you need me to come get you?”

“I’m at Marisss. Her parentsss are out of towwwnnn.”

“Give me the address. You don’t need to be shit-faced with Mari being the only person watching after you and knowing her, she’s probably just as drunk as you.” What the fuck is going on. Since when does he care about me like this.

Mari has always said she "knew we were going to end up together eventually" so when he asked to come over of course she got excited.

I gave him the address and he said he would be here in 10 minutes. We all live in Manhattan so we're all close. Mari has the biggest apartment but I come in close second. Mari’s dad is the CEO of some company so they make millions. She lives in a penthouse 2 apartment buildings down from mine where, as I said before, I also have a penthouse. Elijah lives in a studio apartment that has limited AC in the summer but I guess that’s what happens when you’re a teacher. 10 minutes later there was a knock at the door which had me shaking because I was so nervous. Mari went to open the door because I was sprawled on her $10,000 couch drinking vodka in nothing but a t-shirt and booty shorts.

Mari opened the door, and I see him standing there staring at me with wide eyes. His beautiful golden brown, round eyes.

“Heyyy Mr. Sssmithhh.”

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