“I asked the stars, is it okay to get hurt? Is it okay to feel pain? Is it okay to be cursed? They whispered in my ears, ‘The broken ones shine the brightest.’” -Amisha Das
"Christian! Where the fuck are you? Get home right fucking now!" my dad yelled through the phone. I glanced at Theo and knew he could hear him by the way he clenched his jaw and tightened his grip on my shoulders.
"Okay, I'm on my way now. Sorry, dad!" I apologized guiltily.
"You're alone, right?" he demanded to know. My eyes widened a little and I glanced at Theo.
"Yeah," I lied. I'm such a bad son. I can't believe I just lied to my dad!
"What? I'm not, I swear! I am!" I said, trying to convince him. I knew my house would be coming into sight soon and he would probably be watching for me to see if I was lying.
"Okay. Get home now, fucker," he commanded, hanging up. I sighed and stuffed my phone into my pocket. I turned to Theo.
"Uh, my dad thinks I'm walking home alone, so you can just drop me off right here, okay?" I asked. I could tell Theo wanted to protest, but but his tongue and nodded. I nodded and head butted him in the chest as goodbye. I pulled away and waved as I walked away. He smiled and waved back, watching as I turned a corner. I was right; the curtains of our front window closed after I was in sight. I can't believe I was such a bad son that even my dad couldn't trust me. I loved him though. He stuck by me, even though I was so bad all the time. I really didn't deserve him. I raised my hand to knock on the door when it swung open and a hand roughly grabbed me, dragging me inside.
"Finally! Get to school, dumbass!" my dad yelled, throwing my backpack into my arms. My eyes widened. School! I ran up to my room and quickly got ready before grabbing the twenty dollar bill that was in my pocket from yesterday and running out the door. My backside ached, so I slowed down a little when the familiar coffee shop came into sight. I bought a muffin and my usual drink and started fast limping towards school.
"Hey, kid! What're you doing, you're going to be late for school!" Scott yelled, trying to mimic an old lady. I snickered and climbed into his car.
"Why are you late?" he asked. I raised an eyebrow at him.
"I don't know, why are you late?" I shot back playfully and sighed. "I missed you so much!"
"I was talking to the car," I clarified. Scott hit my arm and took a piece of my muffin.
"I slept a little too long. Why are you late?" Scott asked again. I smiled at him and stuffed some of my muffin into my mouth.
"Dude, best friend telepathy? I forgot we had school today and slept in. My dad had to wake me up!" I said and he grinned. We did a fist bump and he parked the car. I got out, hugged the car, and began to skip to school.
"What are you, a teenage girl?" Scott laughed. I laughed as well and the both of us skipped into school...
... and right into Theo.
"Umpf!" I grunted, my face colliding with his back. Scott's shoulder had come in contact with Theo's arm. Theo turned around, shocked by the sudden push.
"Hey, watch whe- Carson? What the hell are you doing?" he asked, chuckling. My face was smushed into his chest now, my throbbing head refusing to move. Theo grabbed my shoulders and peeled me off of him and I looked up at his face for a second. Black beanie. Beanie boy.
"Huh?" I asked, dazed. Scott snickered and grabbed my arm, pulling me away from beanie boy and towards second period.
"Sorry, Theo. He's a clutz," he apologized. Theo just had this confused look on his face as he watched Scott literally drag me to our class.
"Goddamn, Christian! Can't even walk properly!" Scott laughed. My head still kinda throbbed from colliding with Theo's back, so when I nodded, I groaned and held my head. His back was like a freaking door!
After school, I got a call from my dad telling me that he wanted me home right after school. Funny. I didn't even know he knew when school ended for me.
"Need a ride?" Theo asked me in the hall. Scott had gone to hand out with the twins when I told him my dad needed me home. I nodded, wincing at the headache, and got in his car.
"Thanks," I mumbled. Theo smiled at me and let out a short laugh.
"I forgot how different you act in public. I was surprised to see you laughing and smiling with your buddy Scott," he said. I looked over at him. Was he jealous? Of Scott?
"You're funny beanie boy. Scott has been my best friend since fourth grade. He's basically the only one who can make me genuinely laugh in happiness. He's not gay though, so don't worry," I added. Theo's face fell and he frowned.
"I wanna make you laugh in happiness..." he grumbled. I glanced at him. Did he really? Nobody ephad ever wanted to do that. Silence filled the car for a couple minutes.
"We're here," Theo said. "Bye Carson."
"Bye, Theo. Sorry if I upset you, I didn't want to lie."
"No, it's okay. I'm determined to one day make you laugh in genuine happiness," he declared. I nodded and got out of his car. I didn't wanna tell him, but I don't think that would happen. My dad yanked me inside again, but more subtly when he noticed Theo waiting to see if I got inside safely. He left after a few seconds.
"I called Mark over. I need to make a couple more hundred dollars to afforded something, so go get ready. He's coming over and I'll be leaving for a bit," he explained.
"Dad, please! Tomorrow? Not today! I'm still really sore and my body hurts a lot. Please, dad, please!" I begged. He glared at me.
"You think you can tell me what to do?" he spat. I shook my head vigorously. "Maybe I should punish you, one last time!"
What? One last time? Was he not going to punish me anymore after this? But I needed discipline. He paled a little when the words slipped out, but relief flooded over him when he noticed how confused I was. Did I not get something?
"Stand over by the wall after you shower and change for Mark," he demanded. I nodded and obeyed. I pet Moody when I entered my room and filled his food and water bowls again while I waited for the shower water to heat up, I stepped inside when it was the temperature I desired. I wonder what my dad meant when he said he wasn't punishing me anymore. Was he going to change his way of discipline? I cleaned myself and dried off, changing into sweatpants and a big hoodie. I quietly walked downstairs again and stood against the wall my dad told me to stand against.
"Good," he said. I waited there for about ten minutes until there was a knock on the door and Mark stepped inside, handing some money to my dad who smiled at it and left the house.
"Your dad said I was allowed to punish you because you were being disrespectful, am I correct?" he asked. I noticed he was carrying a black bag. I nodded guiltily and hung my head.
"Good boy..." he smirked, grabbing my arm and pulling me up to my room along with the black bag. What's in the bag? Was it punishment? I whimpered when he slammed me against my bedroom door and began to infiltrate my mouth with his tongue. He hands wandered down to grip my butt. I stiffened. He stopped kissing me and smirked down at me before shrugging the backpack off to show me the content. I watched in terror as he pulled out whips, handcuffs, rope, blindfolds, rings, gags, and red blobby things. He used two fingers to motion me over to him and I hesitated before slowly walking over.
"Do you know what these do?" he asked, gesturing to the items. I blinked and shook my head. Well, I knew what some of them did. He smirked and picked up a roll of rope and the handcuffs.
"These will be used to tie you up and force you to hold still while I pound into you so hard you won't be able to walk for weeks," he whispered and I shuddered, tears building up in my eyes. Please, no...
"These will used to punish you," he whispered, holding up the whips, rings, and red blobby things. I shook my head. Is he going to whip me? Did my dad ask him to?
"And these," he whispered, picking the blindfold and gags up, "will just be used to block some of your senses. Let's get started, yeah?"
"N-no... please don't!" I pleaded. He narrowed his eyes and me and stood up, grabbing my shirt and pulling me close to his face.
"Excuse me?" he growled. I gulped and whimpered.
"S-sorry..." I squeaked. He smiled and released me.
"That's much better. Strip and lay on the bed, face up," he ordered. I shakily pulled my hoodie and pants off. He raised an eyebrow and I awkwardly slid my boxers down while he watched lustfully. Before I even got the chance to, he grabbed me and slammed me down on my bed, face up. My hands were being held above my head and rope bound them to my headboard. I tugged on the knots. They were so tight. He smirked at my attempt to get loose and got to work with my ankles. He quickly wrapped rope around them and when they were tied together, he pulled them up to tie them to my wrist's rope. I squeaked in embarrassment as the position I was in and helplessly struggled against the bonds.
"You can't get out. Stop trying or your punishment will be much worse," Mark snapped. I immediately stopped struggling and laid still. I saw him pour liquid onto his fingers and he rubbed my hole with his wet fingers. I whined at the feeling. No, no, no!
"S-stop! Please, stop!" I begged. He tsked and reached for a gag, fastening it around my mouth. Without warning, he pushed his finger past my rim. I cried out, but it was muffled by the gag.
"You're so tight, damn," he rasped, pumping his finger in and out of me. Soon enough, he added another and another. He grabbed one of the red blobby things and lined it up with my hole, before pushing it in. I moaned involuntarily when it brushed that one spot inside of me. I didn't want to enjoy this! I don't enjoy this! Somebody help me! Somebody... please!
He held up a remote with a dark smirk and pressed a button. The thing inside of me began to vibrate and I moaned again. Stop moaning! Stop it! I couldn't stop myself and I turned into a moaning mess when he upped the speed. I watched as he unbuttoned his pants and pulled his penis out, stroking it as he upped the speed again.
"Look at that. You're being fucking touched against your will, but your moaning like a slut and your hole is twitching for more," he groaned, upping the speed yet again. I screamed through the gag as the vibrator vibrated against my prostate. I began to shake and came hard. Mark didn’t move to turn the toy down or off and I was overstimulating fast. I cried out around the gag, trying to beg him to stop, but he didn’t. I felt a tear slip as I came for the second time. He finally turned it off and slipped it out of me. Is it over? Please, please let it be over! I can’t take it...
Mark grabbed the whip and undid the bondage, just to flip me over and tie me up again, face down this time. He had taken off the gag.
“I want to hear you scream,” he said, throwing it to the side and cracking the whip.
“No! Please, stop! I’ll do anything, stop!” I pleaded. He smirked evilly and smacked the whip down on my back. I cried out in pain, another tear running down my face. He whipped me again and again. After the twelfth whip, the tears stop and I stayed silent; each crack of his whip draining me more and more until I was empty. He stopped soon after he realized I was quiet and shoved himself into me. I laid there and took whatever he gave to me like a rag doll. He pounded mercilessly into me. My whole body shook and one last tear slid down my cheek. He shook the bed and finally let out a husky grunt, filling me.
He untied me and yanked me to my feet. I stumbled and fell to the ground, unable to stand. He got up and threw thirty dollars at me before leaving. When I heard the front door close and his car drive away is when I got up. I limped in pain downstairs to see a piece of paper on the kitchen table. I limped over to it and picked it up, scanning it with my eyes.
I’ve made enough money to buy a ticket to Germany. I’ve left you about $100 to survive off of. Get a job, man up, and call me when you’ve turned 20 years old. Goodbye.
What? He... he left? Germany? He left me to go to Germany? For how long? Why? I had so many questions, but instead of calling him and asking, I grabbed the house keys he left and limped out of the door, locking it behind me. I limped all the way to the hill and sat down on the tree stump. My body shook in pain. My mind tried to grasp the idea of being abandoned again. Suddenly I screamed. I screamed until my voice was gone. I screamed until I couldn’t hear anything; until I couldn’t feel anything. I screamed until tears streamed down my face steadily. When I stopped, I was numb. I couldn’t feel anything. Everything hurt, yet I couldn’t feel the pain. I tilted my head. There were still stars. Looking up, I asked the stars,
“Is it okay to get hurt? Is it okay to feel pain? Is it okay to be cursed?”
They whispered in my ears, “The broken ones shine the brightest.”
“DO THEY? DO THEY REALLY? BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL AIN’T SHINING VERY BRIGHT!” I screamed at the sky. The stars seemed to frown at me as a cloud drifted over to the moon, blocking the light from shining down on me. I let out a pained laugh. I couldn’t stop until I was laughing with tears falling from my eyes.
“TAKE IT ALL!” I shouted and stood up, my voice hoarse, “Take it all from me! See if I care! See if I give two FUCKING fucks!”
I looked up with blurry eyes and peered into her eyes. Her soft brown eyes. Her long brown locks. I reached my hand out and another tear slipped out.
“Estella?” I whispered shakily, falling to my knees. She smiled, her body bruised and beaten. Blood dripped down her legs and chin, but she smiled at me. She always smiled. I blinked and she was gone. I pounded my fist into the tree stump until my knuckles bled.
“Come back! Don’t you DARE leave me! PLEASE!” I screamed out in pain. She left me again. She’ll leave me again. Over and over, she’ll leave me. And she’s never coming back. Nobody is ever coming back.
[December 4, 2020]