“One day someone will look at you the same way you look at the stars.”
<><><><><> Christian's POV <><><><><>
I woke up in Heaven. It was white everywhere. It was way too bright. It smelled like... sanitizer? I quickly sat up and looked around. Where was I? Theo? He was laying on the floor next to my bed, on leg on the bed while he sprawled out upside down. Did he die too? I pushed his leg off of my bed and tried to get up, but noticed there was a tube thing in my arm.
"Ah!" I yelled, yanking it out. Was I being poisoned? Theo's head jerked up and he scrambled to stand up.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" he sputtered sleepily. I scooted out of bed and stood next to him.
"No. Somebody is trying to poison me. Am I dead? Are you dead? Is this hell? It's a lot nicer than I expected," I said thoughtfully. I expected fire and lava and boom and bam, not a white, clean room. Theo glared at me playfully before hugging me.
"No, you idiot. I saved you. You better not do that again," he teased, but I could tell there was a serious warning in his tone. I stood in his arms for a while until a doctor came in. Her eyes lit up when she saw me. I thought Jesus was a dude. Oh wait, I'm still alive.
"I'm so glad you're awake. Are you okay with answering some questions for us or do you still need a moment?" she asked. I opened my mouth to talk, but Theo beat me to it.
"We need a moment, thank you."
Is he going to yell at me now? I didn't think he'd care that much. I want water.
"Hm?" Theo asked, turning to me when the doctor left. "You want water?"
"Okay wait here for a bit. Lie down," Theo commanded, helping me back onto the hospital bed. Don't leave. Let me come with you. I frowned when the door closed behind Theo. Don't leave me.
"Can I ask why?" Theo requested after I gulped a cup of water down. I set the empty cup down and thought. I mean, I've already told Scotty. Was there any reason not to tell Theo too?
"There's a lot of reasons," I concluded. It wasn't a lie, just a very vague answer. He nodded.
"Yeah, I figured."
Was he thinking about it? Did he want me to live? Would he cry if I didn't? He wouldn't have saved me if he wanted me to die, right?
"Can I ask why?" I requested. I wanted to know why he saved me. Was there a reason other than he didn't want me to die? He would have gotten over me eventually. He would have found somebody else to like. He would have moved on in life without me.
"Why'd you save me? Was there another reason besides just wanting me alive?" I explained, then mumbled, "it's not like it would have mattered a bunch anyways..."
"Excuse me? How could you ask that?" he said, offended. Why was he offended? Did I say something wrong? What did I do?
"Sorry!" I apologized, scrunching my face up. There was a hand on my shoulder causing me to look up. Theo was tearing up.
"Why?" he asked, "Why did I save you? You don't deserve to die. I'm here for you, always. I really like you. I don't think I'd be okay if you died. You have so much to live for! Scott, me, the twins; we all love you! If you left me, I wouldn't be able to forgive you. And one day someone will look at you the same way you look at the stars. I've seen that look on your face and it's beautiful. I-I need you, ya know."
"But I don't have that much to live for! Sure, Scott, you, the twins; you guys care for me, but what's the point of it all if my own family doesn't! I really appreciate you guys, I do, but I'm not with you all the time! I've lost everybody close to me! It'll be Scott next, or you. I don't wanna be alive when that happens! You can't force me to put myself through that again! I can't take anymore! My dads gone, Estellas gone, the twins and I, we're not that close! Everybody is leaving eventually until I'm shattered into a million pieces. That is torture!" I yelled, "I can't go through that, and I won't! Maybe you stopped me this time, but next time, you won't be so lucky."
I stood up, walking past him, but he grabbed my wrist. I tried yanking it away, but he was stronger. I was pulled back towards the bed and he slammed me down.
"Shut. Up," he growled. "Don't ever say that!"
A tear rolled down his cheek and dropped on my face. My eyes were wide and my mouth was slightly opened. I was so stunned, I couldn't move.
"Who hurt you?" he asked, barely whispering. Tears welled up in my eyes. Did he want a list? I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Estella. Lance. Ben. Killian. Mark. Gaven. Jeremy. Toby. Brian. Molly," I listed off quietly. I had taken the time to search up and memorize all of the names of the people who had broken me down. Estella. My childhood best friend who left me alone in a cruel world. Lance. My father who had abandoned me with no warning. Ben and Killian. The two men who had raped me. Mark. A man who had punished me beyond my limits due to my father's orders. Gaven, Jeremy, and Toby. Friends of Brian who each had they own method of torture and put me through so much pain. Brian. Somebody who had taken me and smashed me to pieces without me realizing it. Molly. My own mother who was slowly chipping at my heart bit by bit without meaning to. But most of all, I had caused the most damage. I neglected myself. I let myself be exposed to love and kindness. That had made me vulnerable to the evils of the world I lived in.
By the time I finished listing names off, tears were steadily dripping down Theo's face. He was no longer pinning me to the bed, but curled up next to me.
"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell anyone?" he sniffled. I stared at him with empty eyes. No one would understand. How could they? It was unrealistic and stupid of me to be crying to somebody over so,etching like this. I hated it. It made me vulnerable and that's what made me break in the first place.
"How could I?"
Theo gazed at me through sad, tears eyes and embraced me tightly.
"Promise me something. Promise me that instead of keeping it all in, you'll come to me with your problems. I want you to cry on me. I want to hear you scream in anger. I want you to get it all out, so you're not going to explode one day. I need you to promise me, okay?" Theo asked. I nodded, too exhausted to put up a fight anymore. There was a knock in the door and a doctor let herself in. Embarrassed, Theo quickly rubbed at his face to try and wipe the tears look away.
"Are you ready now?" she asked and I nodded before Theo could object again. Why did he care so much? The doctor led me to a room where a police officer was waiting. He smiled at me when he saw me.
"I spoke to your friend earlier. Sounds like you two are close, huh?" he said. Huh? Did Theo say that? Not wanting to cause confusion, I just nodded.
"I hope you don't lie like that when we ask you questions," the officer stated and I felt my cheeks grow warm. Hoe did he know it was a lie? Was it a police thing? Was he psychic?
"Don't worry, you're okay!" he assured me. He started asking me questions, skipping the ones I didn't want to answer. I liked him. He was a nice policeman. I tried my best to answer all of his questions honestly.
"Okay. That's all the questions I have. I've called both of your parents, but your father didn't pick up. Do you know where he is?"
"Um," I paused. Should I tell him? Would it get my dad in trouble? I don't wanna risk it. "Yes, I do. He's just on a business trip. He'll be coming home soon."
"Okay, good. Your mother told me that she is divorced with your father and doesn't live with you two anymore. Who are you staying with?"
"M-myself," I stuttered. Oh no. Was that illegal?
"What? You're living all by yourself? Do you have a friend who will let you stay with them? I don't want you staying in an empty house all alone, okay?"
"Okay. I don't have any friends, really."
"What about that Theo boy? He seems nice," he suggested. I nodded, not wanting to argue with the officer. He smiled at me and told me we would go find Theo and ask him.
He was sitting outside the room, waiting. The stood up and greeted the police officer when he saw us.
"Hi," I said quietly. Theo smiled at me sadly.
"I was wondering if you'd be willing to take Christian in until his father gets back from his business trip. Would that be okay?" the police officer asked Theo. He nodded, a bit confused.
"Great. Why don't you take him home now?" he suggested. I wasn't a little kid and Theo wasn't my parent. Why was he acting like he was? Theo just nodded and put his hand around my wrist, tugging me out while I glared at the officer's back.
"Why are you glaring at the policeman?" Theo chuckled. I shook my head and yanked my arm away from him.
"I can walk by myself."
"Okay. So your dads on a business trip, huh?" he asked casually. I looked at my shoes.
"Okay, when's he coming back?"
"Um. I'm not sure. He said he'd text me..." I murmured. I was hoping he didn't ask because now I have to make up more lies. Thankfully Theo didn't ask about anything else. We climbed in his car and he drove us to my house to pack up all of my clothes and things. We stuffed my belongings into bags silently until I couldn't handle my thoughts anymore and spoke.
Theo looked up in surprise.
"What are you sorry for Carson?" he asked. I rolled my eyes at the name. So we're going back to nicknames, I guess.
"Christian," I corrected and he just smirked.
"I think I'll stick to Carson for now," he said, winking. I felt my face heat up a little. I've been blushing a lot more lately. Do I like Theo? This is the same feeling I got when he said my name back at the cave.
"Mhm..." I hummed. I picked up the bag I had finished packing and slung it over my shoulder. "I'm done."
Theo looked up and nodded, zipping up the bag he was packing and also shrugging it onto his shoulders. He followed me downstairs and back into his car. This time, he turned the radio on to fill the silence.
Now why, am I driving you home crying?
Can't you see I'm trying?
You just say it hurts
"And why is it toxic to say I'm dying. Skydiving without flying," I sang along. Theo frowned out of the corner of my eye and flipped the radio off. I frowned now.
"What are you doing? I liked that song!" I whined, flipping the radio back on, only to have it switched off right after by Theo. I rolled my eyes. Just because it said the word 'dying' doesn't mean it's going to affect me. I'm not going to act all depressed now, if that's what he's thinking. I'm still me. I haven't changed. I pouted and crossed my arms as he parked in his driveway, getting out and I trudged up to his front door with my bag. I waited until he unlocked the door before dropping my bag on his floor and stomping to the kitchen. I was hungry.
"Food!" I grumbled and heard a chuckle coming from Theo. He opened a cabinet and pulled out a container of chocolate chip cookies, holding them out to me.
"Here," he said. I grabbed the box and opened it, immediately stuffing my face.
"Man, all that drowning really made me hungry!" I grumbled jokingly. Apparently it was too soon for him though. He gave me the biggest frown and lowered his head.
"Sorry," I apologized but he just shook his head.
"I could have run faster. I would have made it there in time if I was just a little faster," he said, barely above a whisper. I patted his shoulder.
"It's not your fault. It was my decision anyways. But in all honesty, I kinda wish you fell and hurt your foot. I mean, yeah sure, I'm still alive. Woo hoo, right? Yeah, no. Nothings changed. I'm still empty. I'm still lonely. It's not like my prose s disappeared and I was granted a new life. They're still going to come after me. Scott knows everything so yay, more useless pity. You're also pitying me and feeling bad and guilty. It's not like she's coming back to life anytime soon. I still want to die."
"You can't!" he said hurriedly. "You're right, that nothings changed, but there's some good in that. I still like you more than I should. I'm never going to abandon you, okay? You need to trust me when I say that I'm not giving up on you."
I gave him a weak smile.
Like hell I could. He will eventually. Everybody does. Once he sees that I'm completely hopeless, he'll leave. I know he will. Everybody else did, after all. Why would he be any different.
"Do you wanna explain some things now?" he asked quietly. I nodded. Not like it would matter. He won't be able to rescue me every time.
"Okay. I have a few questions. You don't have to answer any of them, just... try for me, okay?"
"Alright. Back at the hospital, you mentioned somebody named Ester? Or..."
"Estella. Yeah. She was my best friend since I was a kid. Even though she was three years older than me, we got along really well and we really loved each other. Don't get me wrong, though. It wasn't romantic. More like a sibling love. Like my love for Scott. She was perfect. At least, until I killed her. She was being raped and I couldn't do anything. Even after when we were alone, I was a useless piece of crap. I still am," I answered. Anger flashed in his eye but he pushed it down. "You know, she liked to wear beanies as well."
"Really?" Theo asked, tugging on the bottom of the beanie he was wearing. It was a dark, navy blue this time. "Hey, how many of my beanies do you have?" he questioned and I felt my face heat up. Every time I had borrowed one of his beanies, I'd keep them because I liked the smell and the fabric.
"F-four... do you want them back? Sorry I kept them? I just-"
"It's fine, Carson!" he chuckled. "I was just wondering. Why did you keep them anyways?"
"I..." I started. I don't wanna tell him, but I know I should because they are his anyways. "I just likedthesmell and the fabric was really soft," I mumbled quickly, my face heating up even more. His eyes widened a little and he went silent for a little bit. Then a grin stretched across his face.
"Really? That's so cute!" he gushed and I hid my face in my arms.
"It's really not a big deal..." I replied, embarrassed by his reaction. "and I'm not cute!"
"Alriiight!" he said, obviously choosing to not believe me. I stuck my bottom lip out in a pout and his expression immediately shifted. He stared at me silently. No, he stared at my lips silently. I bit my lip awkwardly. What's he doing?
"Theo?" I asked quietly, snapping him out of his trance.
"What are you doing?" I asked and he leaned his face closer to mine. I instantly backed up due to instinct, bit he leaned forwards again, and grabbed the side of my face with his hand. He leaned closer before stopping inches away. My face had to be fifty shades of grey- red by now (see what I did?). I could feel his breath on my lips and it sent shivers down my spine. I was paralyzed.
"Can I kiss you?" he barely whispered. I unconsciously nodded, but realized and shook my head rapidly. He laughed quietly and pulled away.
"You'll say 'yes' one day, you know?" he said.
"Maybe I will," I replied. It wasn't a lie. I don't know what had come over me just then, but if I had subconsciously nodded, it meant I would probably do it again, maybe not as unconsciously.
[December 20, 2020]
Sorry for the shitty chapter. I've been on a very long road trip lately and haven't had much free time. My birthday is in two days as well, so thats fun!
December birthdays anybody?