Intro & chapter 1
Acceptance is the answer to all of my questions, problems, and pleading. I’m finding this more and more true the furthur my journey leads me to the darker depths of my soul. The answers are never easy and the answers aren’t always clear. The one thing I know for certain is that the deeper the water, the more I desire companionship. Not out of desperation. More like happiness loves company too!!! Especially when someone had been alone as long as I have been (7-8yrs now)This is my story. My name is Brian Wesley Mcneeley and I am in the family tree.
I just got home from walking my daily exercise route, in the cold of fall chills. As Howard Jones just stated on my music ,we can see each other but we just can’t touch(to get the gist of it) we can wish to be together sweet Kate, but we can never be together...
Growing up with my mom and grandparents was never easy. They were very demanding.I’ve decided to write this book in order to take up my time when I’ve quit vaping on Jan. 1st 2021 so far it’s nov. 28th 2020. My grandfather was an honorable man and I have nothing but fond memories of him. He died when I was in 2nd grade if I’m not mistaken. I know I was at Longfellow elementary school when it happened. I remember bc that’s about the same time that my peers at Longfellow started making fun of my weight. Fatso, blubber butt, tubby, etc. the list is lengthy. I enjoyed my grandparents house and time with my mom, grandmother and grandfather, immensely.I don’t remember much from those days due to a brain injury and lsd consumed as a youth. I no longer use drugs of that sort. I’ve outgrown them. And yes, I just got done watching Gilmore girls: a year in the life. I decided to write about my family.
My dad was a no good cheating, lying and molesting man. I’ll leave his name out of this, to spare him. He cheated on my mom with his professors at his colleges that mom paid for, of course. He used to yell at her nonstop. Verbal abuse was equally rampant in our household. Of course not at my grandparents house. My grandparents would have killed him for the way he treated their daughter and for the molestation of me. If they ever found out!! Although, now that I think about it he did have one of his mistress’s over to grand mommy and granddaddy’s without my dads knowing she showed up unannounced and dad dramatically broke the glass window next to my grandparents front door. Crashed right through it as a matter of a fact. I think I was 4 or 5 yrs old. Mom took me into another room while my dad took his fancy gun and pretended to protect us and the house when in fact it was his lover that showed up. After that everything is foggy. I jump around a lot. I’ve attempted to write this book before and being the nonconformityist I am and was when I started this book 17 yrs ago, I decided to name certain pages 12b 12c and some with no names at all, just to rebel. Unfortunately I was kind of at a loss when I was taking my book on a van and it dropped on the ground. Oh no, wasn’t expecting that. It was about so many things that it was about nothing and I tried to put it back together but without all the unnumbered pages, it was impossible and I decided to just throw it in the dumpster. Never intended to rewrite the book, but, here we are...
I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost...
And I can’t believe that I’m still alive. I thought, when I turned 16 that I’d be dead before my 16th birthday. I’m now 47 believe it or not and I’m somehow miraculously still alive. Not exactly sure how that happened but here I am. God must have a reason for my life. I don’t understand it and I don’t understand God, either. Half the time I think to myself that God and the devil and religion and everything is just not real. I don’t know why I think that way. I guess that makes me a fraud if I really care to look at it, bc my life is based around recovery and God!! How can I base my life around these things and not even wholeheartedly, believe?? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I need something tangible to feel and comfort me, in my doubts. Why won’t you show me a sign god, that you’re real, that I’m real and that this isn’t just some nightmare or dream( I can’t figure out which this seems to be)that I can’t wake up from? I’m going to bed. I’ll pick up where I left off later. I think what we’ll talk about next time is either my dad molesting me at age 5 or high school graduation. Like I said, I jump around when I write. Not bc I like to, it’s just that I forget sooo much with my tbi and remember things at awkward times.I also want to talk about my stepbrother and stepsister, god bless their souls for putting up with me!! Until next time, this is Brian signing off!! My platform names are Clawteare, sunwake, raine, reign, lestat, black widow, rogue, storm, and stardust. You’ll need to know why I’m telling you this later!!
Ok, I’m back.been thinking a lot since last writing session with you and I’d like to tell you about a day when I was in 11th grade at at atholton h.s. My nemesis, at the time lured me into the parking lot of school. I got in my friend juliana’s car and Kevin said roll down the window or get out of the car before I break the glass. I didn’t want Juliana’s car to get messed up bc of this ahole so I got out like the gentleman I am. Kevin was insecure about his height. I think he just wanted to be accepted without people judging him by his 5ft3 size. So I guess that’s why he took on the roll of h.s. Bully.him and the rest of the wrestling team from atholton decided to jump me. Kevin pushed me( I was facing him). Some jerk named John or something got down on all fours behind my back and when Kevin pushed me I fell over the guy who was on all fours. One of the guys was wearing steel toed boots. They were really pummeling me to a pulp. I fell unconscious and woke up to a song that was in my head called whack time by suicidal tendencies off of the album called lights camera revolution.anyhow right when I was down for the count I heard mike muir’s voice scream in the highest pitch say “it’s whack time!!”yours truly started swinging my fists and I fought my way out of a weakly held full Nelson. I think it was so weak their hold while one person put me in a full Nelson while the others all kicked my body into submission, but as I was saying, the reason I think they had such a weak hold on me was bc, I wasn’t struggling anymore before I started swinging. I think they thought I was dead. Surprise, I beat my way out of their circle and naturally, Kevin ran away. The principal several days later told me and Kevin in his office to make up. Kevin agreed but I resisted. I didn’t want to accept his apology. He nearly killed me. But the principal said if I didn’t make up with Kevin I’d be suspended for 2 weeks, so like the pushover I was I gave in. Once again, lucky to be alive. You see, if I didn’t get my hands into something and woulda just known how to get out of my own way, I’d probably been better off. I often have dreams of going back to school and getting involved and focused on purpose and picked up a guitar earlier than 20yrs old me. That’s when I finally picked up and started what I call writing even though I only know how to write music from memory of how the chords make me feel. More on making music later, maybe. ;)
I’m tired guys. My life of being homeless in Baltimore city, being molested by my dad(not your fault mom) my dad had the nerve to take showers with me at age 5 and proceeded to make me suck his penis until completion. WARNING graphic content. I still remember the slimy ness and the sticky ness and the reason I hated Jesus at the time. I COULDN'T GET IT OFF OF ME!!, I screamed. My dad told me he was Jesus as he proceeded to ruin my innocence.that’s probably why I propositioned when I was just a kid, too!! my step bro Michael whom I never touched .Or why I experimented with my step brother Sean. I wish I could have been a positive and more mature influence on my step bro and step sister. Especially Sean. He was such an influenced step bro he wanted to be like me before we experimented things got awkward. I was a few yrs older so i was expected to know more better, I still beat myself up for not being a decent influence, but my first sponsor 2nd trip into in NA told me that all kids experiment. I don’t know why I kissed my stepsister at 30 something yrs old.( I know that it took about 20 yrs to find a good combination of psychiatric meds one that worked for me, anyhow. And I dont think I had found the right combination of meds yet. I think I kissed her bc my meds weren't stabilizing me yet and I was having mania type signs. If it's any consolation I'm deeply sorry for the way I acted and for my actions. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!! I've been beating myself up with a brick for not knowing better every day for years. I keep looking to my inner self to answer me why I did these things. Expecting a logical answer why I did these things.I keep looking at myself to have known better . No answers come bc I just didn't know better. That's just something I'll have to accept). In this book I'm telling you this because I don't have someone else to talk to about it. I am seeking forgiveness because I can see my music surfacing and don't want ppl to believe in me before they know the facts. I don't want this world to hold me up high celebrating my success without knowing and hearing my account firsthand and beforehand. I know ppl will come forward. Alot of them having false accounts. Mom always told me to pick my friends wisely. I did not follow her advice. I'd be friends with anyone. If they showed me love, I was a real sucker for that. I'd fall for ppl whose interests included themselves, their interests and their opinions. That's all they cared about. Point blank. So I know that self seeking ppl are going to sling mad accusations and seeking money. They will not win. My story and confessions have already been posted in this book. Therefore if I didn't write it in this book, chances are, it didn't happen. There's alot more to get to. There's alot more that I haven't said, but don't worry, I've been taking notes on things id also like to mention or go into greater detail about, but you know the drill.. I'm not writing till I get the go ahead from inkitt. The site that you're on reading this extremely controversial account and testament to my life. I'm a methodist/presbyterian that goes to church. I'm a big fan of take what you like and leave the rest. I take things from different religions and incorporate them into my life. More on that later. Basically, I try to be the best person I can be and try to do the next right thing. IDGAF exactly what You think unless you care about me too.you know, she told the whole family that I molested her and did more than kiss her, which was not true. I think she lied for attention. All I did was kiss her. Mom says we remember things differently then they were when we were growing up. So maybe I should just let it be, as it lay. I’m such a tormented soul. The devil likes to point out my insecurities and harp on them. Glad I’m working on step 7. For those who don’t know step 7 is we humbly asked our higher power to remove our defects of character. The first time I was in recovery, I lasted 15 yrs approx. before I dwindled out. When I lapsed I asked my friend at the time, Chris if he’d buy me a 6 pack of moose head and a pack of cigarettes Marlboro 27’s the bronze pack. I’ve been vaping for 13 yrs next year and I can count on one hand how many cigs I’ve had since I quit. When I crossed over into a life w/out cigarettes I was so happy. And still am. I’m going to try and quit and am hesitant to call it quitting. I prefer a lifestyle change rather than new yrs resolution... ppl say they never last.I’m sitting here listening to omd’s album the pacific age. That I got from my ex Laura S. We went out in 7th grade. She was a senior in high school when we dated I was in 7th grade. Not to mention last time we saw each other she said she didn’t remember me. I almost told her I was the 7th grader that you were bangin in 12th grade, but I restrained myself. In 7th grade I ran away from home. I was gettting ready to leave home to go do something and I told my stepdad that I wouldn’t come back if he gave me 20.00 so he said” you promise”? And I said
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