My prayers are with you.
Why did I ever let you go? Who would do such a dumb thing? Now I sit in this dark corner of our favorite bar and I think about all the moments we wasted here, drinking, talking, laughing.
So I ask you, why did I ever let you go?
As I look at my drink, I remember how you loved to tease me about it. I loved beer, you drank whiskey. We could be more different yet we were the same. I miss you. I can’t describe how much I miss you, your smile, hair, touch. I miss everything about you.
That’s why I’ll start writing again. You loved my writings. You were always a fan.
I’ll write down our future we’ll never get. I guess you wonder why? Because I owe you that much, and you owe me that much. We deserve a closure.
Our story starts where it finished in real life. You’re standing in the kitchen. Instead of throwing the vase at me, you put it back where it belonged. You sighed and collapsed on the floor, crying.
- Why do you always do this to me? Why do you hurt me like this? I forgave you a thousand times and you do the same mistake for the hundred and first time?! Why?!- You yelled at me. You did that often, but you had your reasons. I wasn’t the smartest or best in the world. Nor did I ever deserve you. I always wanted to make you happy, but somehow I ended up hurting you. Over and over again. Why? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. That’s just how I was. I always promised you that I’d change, but I didn’t. I hated myself for that, but I couldn’t help myself. Out of the blue, our song started playing on the radio. “Say something, I’m giving up on you. I’ll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would’ve followed you, Say something, I’m giving up on you!”. It’s that new song from Christina Aguilera. It described us so perfectly.
- I… I’m sorry. I… didn’t mean to hurt you, again. I want to say that I’ll change but we both know that it’s a lie.- I lowered my gaze and sat down on the sofa. I couldn’t look at you, I couldn’t watch you in such a broken state knowing that it’s because of me. But then, you stood up and you came to sit beside me. You hugged me and it was the softest yet strongest hug I’ve ever received in my life. I knew that you forgave me, again. I wondered how many times I can break you before you pack your things and you get rid of me forever, but I shook that thought out of my head, because I didn’t want to lose you, ever. You were holding me like that for an hour when I finally looked at you.
-I’m sorry, I really am. You know that I don’t do this on purpose.- You just nodded. I knew that you’d start crying if you’d try to talk so I didn’t push the subject. I stood up and pulled you with myself. We went to the bedroom where I lay down on the bed. You lay beside me but we didn’t touch. We were both staring at the ceiling. The silence swallowed the whole room along with us. I heard your silent sobs mixed with my even breathing. I remember that I didn’t feel so bad about what I did, I was feeling bad because of the effect it had on you. I didn’t want to hurt you, that was never my intention. I remember listening to your sobs and my breathing, and then I fell into the calming and soothing blackness of sleep.
I look at the clock on my desk. It’s almost midnight, I suddenly realize that I was writing this the whole day. Maybe it would be best to go to sleep before I sink myself in alcohol again. “Come on, it never ends well” I remind myself and find myself walking towards the refrigerator. As I grab my half empty bottle of whiskey I remind myself again “Put it down, it’s not good for you.”, but I don’t listen. I never listen, that’s what got me into this situation in the first place. As I make my way to my bedroom, I take a long sip from the bottle then start coughing because the strong alcohol burns my throat. It seems like I don’t care because I take another long sip from the bottle and I collapse to my bed. I didn’t take a shower, I didn’t brush my teeth. I didn’t feed my gold fish. If I don’t deserve your love, then no one deserves mine. I can’t love when you’re away.
Soon, I sink into the dark abyss of sleep.
I hear a weird knocking sound on my bedroom door. I try to open my eyes but I can’t, it feels like someone glued them together. I feel someone grabbing my shoulders and shaking me nervously.
-Wake up! Come on you idiot, wake up! Don’t do this to me again… Not again!- I recognize the voice… and the scene. I must be dreaming because it’s your voice and you swore not to come back, ever again! And the scene… This is the morning you left me. I can’t! Not again! I can’t live it through again! Someone just wake me up! Please!
My eyes open slowly. And then they close. The next time I open them I’m in the hospital. The white ceiling and the weird beeping noises gave it away almost immediately. As I look around, I see no one. Just like when I woke up that time. But how is this possible? I didn’t OD this time. I just drank myself to sleep! How is this possible? What the hell is happening? I’m dreaming! I must be dreaming! The nurse comes in and offers a warm and comforting smile. I try to smile back but I can’t, I still feel the darkness drag me down. Just like that time. That last time before you left me.
-We’ll let you home in a couple of days, Dear!- says the elderly nurse to me, checks my carton and then leaves the room. I don’t know what should I say or do so I stay in my bed in the hospital. For a couple of days.
They let me out after 5 days and they made me sign a paper that I’ll go to a shrink twice a week. You know, to get rid of my depression. Huh… it’s funny how they think it can go away so simply. They don’t know a thing about it. They don’t know the half of it! They didn’t go through everything that I went through! It’s just not fair!
While I huff and puff, my taxi pulls up in front of my building. I get out, pay the cabby and I start toward the door. My brain is still confused, it can’t process the happenings. They say that I mixed up the days, I overdosed and I lost track of time, that it’s common for people who are depressed and addicts.
As I get to my apartment, I’m surprised that my door is not locked. That means that someone’s in there. Either a friend or a thief. Since I don’t have any friends, I guess it’s a thief. I creek open the door just a bit and step inside. You’re standing in the middle of the room, you look kind of sad, but also infuriated.
-Are you crazy?! You could have died! I don’t want you to leave me here alone in this world full of madness! How could you do this to me? How could you do this to yourself?! You idiot! You utter idiot!- you scream at me while tears flow from your eyes. I close the door behind me and lean against it, my eyes closed, my lips parted because I want to say something, but nothing comes out. You go on. Just like that day.
-Do you know what could have happened if I didn’t find you when I did? Do you?!- I nod, but she gets even angrier with my answer and goes on again.
-No! You don’t! You would have died! For real! It’s not like that crap you pulled on me when I got angry with you, when you cut yourself just so I would forgive you for some stupid thing! You know that I always forgive you because I love you, but now… You’re pushing me towards something I don’t want to do!- a sob escaped your lips –I tried to help you, I tried to get you help, I made you go to those meetings, but nothing helps because you don’t let anyone help you! You’re depressed and you’re a freaking drug addict, and on top of all of that… you drink! Why?! Why do you do this? - You stare at me like you’re waiting for my answer. I have none. But I knew this part very well. It happened once before, just a couple of days ago when you broke up with me. And this is the part where you say that you can’t keep up with this madness anymore, and that you love me more than life but I need to get some help and that if you can’t make me do so the nice way, then you’ll have to force me. You said to let you know when I’m feeling better. That’s when you got your bag and walked out the door. I was waiting for your answer, I was waiting for you to walk out on me again. You sighed and parted your lips, the vase flew to the wall and broke into hundreds of little pieces.
- Why do you always do this to me? Why do you hurt me like this? I forgave you a thousand times and you do the same mistake for the hundred and first time?! Why?!-
I was standing there in shock and awe. I didn’t expect this. Never expected this! What was happening? Was I on pills again? Was I dreaming?
Without thinking, the words flew out my mouth like something that was pre-written.
- I… I’m sorry. I… didn’t mean to hurt you, again. I want to say that I’ll change but we both know that it’s a lie.- I lowered my gaze and sat down on the sofa. Again, it felt like someone pre-programmed me to do so. Like I was following a scenario. It was all so familiar to me. And then it hit me. Everything was so familiar because I saw this before as well. I wrote this scene before I went to sleep! But does this mean that I’m dreaming? Is this real?
I pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming… and I feel real physical pain. I’m not dreaming, I can’t be dreaming. This is really happening, my scenario came to life! First comes joy. Joy comes first all the time, just so you could feel that sinking sensation after it. Which I did feel right after the adrenaline burst. I wanted to say that this isn’t right. That this couldn’t be more wrong! I’m making you do something that you don’t want, at least not now! I was playing with your free will and I didn’t like it one bit. I wanted to tell you all this but again, something else came out.
-I’m sorry, I really am. You know that I don’t do this on purpose. - Well, this one was true in both situations. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I didn’t mean to manipulate you. The one problem was that I didn’t know how to fix this. I didn’t have a second entry, the story would probably replay day by day until I write another entry.
Should I? Or could I? I mean… I could be with you for the rest of my life! I could do whatever I want, and you could get whatever you want! But again, it wouldn’t be you free will, so it wouldn’t be your wish either, it would be mine.
How would this relationship work in the future? Would I get bored? Everything would get predictable, boring, monotone. Once again, it would drive me into either madness or suicide. Either way, I would hurt you again.
Is this even right? Oh, nonsense! This can’t be right! I can’t make her do something! You already broke up with me…
But I want you back so badly.
There is one way I can change this story. And that is my free will. Even though I don’t have it in my story, I can try to bring it back!
But… that way you could bring back your free will as well.
In that moment I heard a harsh sound in the back of my scull “It wouldn’t be your beloved love, you idiot! You made an imaginary world with imaginary characters who act like your marionettes! Get it? You’re the puppet master! Your love wouldn’t have a free will!”
I sighed. Before we went to bed I went into the bathroom and took a couple of strong pills. You didn’t notice because I put them into my PJ’s pocket. It was so hard to do so, it was so hard to distance myself from the pattern of my story. If it was this hard for the “puppet master”, how hard would it be for the puppet itself?
I can’t imagine that I ever felt worse than this. I finally had you back in my life, in my arms and I had to let you go. This was so unfair.
You didn’t see when I took the pills, because I staged a huge yawn. You didn’t notice the drop of my heart rate. You didn’t notice my shallow yet even breathing.
You didn’t notice when my heart stopped beating.
As I woke up, I saw the white ceiling and I heard the familiar beeping noise.
-No… No. No! This can’t be! This isn’t happening! I ended it! This can’t be happening! - I screamed as I jumped out of the bed. A young nurse ran into my room and froze down in shock. She didn’t really know how to call me, or should she even bother with that.
-Where am I?! What happened?! – I demanded some answers.
-Mister… - she started, but she still didn’t know my name.
-Amber. - I whispered.
-Mr. Amber. Please, calm down. – She said in a soothing voice. My heart was beating so heavily and fast that I thought it would jump out my chest.
-Please… Just tell me what happened. – I begged her.
-Well, no one knows exactly. We were hoping that you could shed some light on the happenings for us but… Well, it seems that you don’t remember either. Someone found you in an abandoned alleyway with some heavy drugs in your system. No one knows exactly how you got there. Some doctors think that you were after a dealer, that you wanted to get even more drugs and that you accidentally overdosed. Others think that you wanted to go to eternal sleep in a peaceful place. I don’t see how an abandoned alleyway could be seen as a peaceful place, but hey… imagination and similar things, right? – She laughed lightly. There was something about her that lit up the whole room. Like a ray of sunshine was hidden somewhere deep within her.
While I was in the hospital (this time for a longer period since they made me to go to therapies there) we became really good friends. She helped me through many things. Not once she took away my blades when I wanted to cut myself, other times she checked my pills since she thought that I’m trying to overdose again. Slowly but surely I forgot you. I forgot the story I wrote and everything bad that happened between us. But funnily, I couldn’t remember how I got to that alleyway, I don’t know if that scenario from the book was just a dream or if it was true.
It wasn’t my intention, it just happened. She gave me things you couldn’t, even though you tried. But you weren’t that consistent, considerate or careful. You threw hurtful things at my head, you thought that I tried to commit suicide just so I would get your attention, just so you would look at me the right way.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved you and I appreciate all the time you spent on me and all those times you tried to fix me. But now I realized something. I wasn’t broken, I was just missing some pieces I tried to fill in with pills ad drugs. Now I realize that I didn’t need the drugs because I was depressed. I realized that I was depressed because I didn’t have what I wanted all along.
That something is utter and true love, and I think I found someone who can give me what I need.
Thank you for pushing me in this direction. Thank you for keeping me alive.
Now I have a reason to be alive. Finally.